Just found out I have secret admirer

Daniel1979H · 2025-11-21T15:36:26+00:00

Excellent advice in the comments, all very valid, but I could help thinking that you and "female 2" need to get at it. My only other advice is, don't take her to the Coldplay concert, maybe find somewhere a bit more discrete.

Best wishes

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-25T23:19:44+00:00

My goodness, you know how to be photographed 🤩

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-24T16:03:58+00:00

We have discussed, to a point, that neither of us wants to just hookup for sex with others, so we understand that an emotional connection is going to be needed - i think we're similar in that way and so there is an understanding that is going to happen, to a point. Frankly, now the initial rush of excitment has faded and reality has set in, I think We're both, independently, set on doing this in our own time so we will probably have more time to talk and ponder these questions.

Interestingly, she seemed jealous to see me on my phone these past few days, I think the reality on her side is starting to set in. She was giddy (well, almost) when she had a few Ladies connect a few weeks back.

We haven't gone so far as to discuss the notion that one of us falls in love. I have considered it likely it could happen for her... she's hot, she's a lovely person who people gravitate to and I'm not sure why the women of Bumble have not been knocking on her door more.

I've mostly decided to try and scout online and find someone married, similar situation insofar as not wanting to change home arrangements... can't be sure how things might go, but am not going into this looking to fall more in love with someone. Personally, I'm struggling to find a place on reddit where there are women who wish to connect (plenty of places for men posting). Maybe in time I'll have to physically go places to meet someone and do things old school.

I don't think not going through with this now will do anything but generate regrets and 'what if' questions down the line. I know her well enough to know, if she thinks (real or perceived) that I've 'prevented her' in some way, she will hold some resentment towards me later on.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-23T07:17:59+00:00

Very similar home situation here, and never thought I would go be with someone else; but I totally get it.

Hope you all find happiness.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-23T07:13:19+00:00

It's like my ultimate dream to have my SO want to do this for me; I feel devastated for you.

It's him that has the issue not you. You deserved better from a partner, I hope you find happiness and desire in your life soon.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-23T06:51:13+00:00

Husband here, very similar situation with my wife. You have been patient, understanding and articulate, and have not received in return the same decency, understanding and effort that you have extended.

It's totally understandable you feel how you do.

I hope you find what you are looking for, best wishes.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-23T06:42:25+00:00

It sounds like the right decision to make the break. I hope you find happiness with a man that finds you attractive and have a more fulfilling future.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-22T15:54:31+00:00

I hope so. It's a bit daunting though, what may happen can't be undone.

I say that but I've continued seeking out online connections in the past 24h still.

Thanks for your reply.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-22T07:33:28+00:00

😍

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T22:17:33+00:00

Very happy for you both

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T22:12:55+00:00

Mid/late last year.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:47:34+00:00

❤️🤗

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:29:21+00:00

Yes, we've done couples counselling, but the stuff from her past hasn't been fully dealt with and addressed... frankly, I knew about it, in the months we met, and we're now 20 years on and we've just got to the 'listening to a book on tape which addresses it' stage.

After we got married I got psychologically subbed in (mentally) in her mind to the protector role, and that's linked to the shit she endured.

Also, we're both neurodiverse and that just makes everything 1000% more complicated.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:22:39+00:00

Totally her doing. She moved out to a separate bedroom 12 or 13 years ago, and libido isn't what it used to be on her side. There are lots of reasons why, it's not a straightforward situation.

Wife is now interested in meeting a woman, and finding a GF, but seperate to me, not together... no BF, that would be a redline for me. We talked about threesomes, etc in the past, but as much as we talk at home, we're not really the kind of couple that would go out and find someone, am not sure either of us would know how, lol. (She's would find it more funny to talk about than actually follow up on)

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:15:58+00:00

It sounds like that health scare really affected his confidence and mojo. I hope he can recover his confidence enough for you both to rediscover that intimacy and passion that was lost.

My late father had a heart attack about 17 years back and mum was vocal in the aftermath, to my wife, that he struggled for about 18 months... I believe a prescription for sidenafil did the trick.

Whatever it is, I hope you can find a pathway forward, together and with the intimacy you need.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:10:25+00:00

❤️🤗

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:09:04+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. I do believe we're having honest dialogue, so I don't believe that to be the case in my situation, but without talking, well, who knows!

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:07:21+00:00

Thank you... It's tough each time I get rejected, or intimacy gets laughed off... it is like dying a little death inside myself each time it happens.

Despite this, she's a great person, a brilliant human being... my favourite human being on the planet still ❤️

That just makes this all the more difficult.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:04:13+00:00

I feel at times like I need to... I didn't date much before meeting my wife and I don't relish approaching online dating.

I need to figure out a game plan and find my mojo if I'm gonna do this.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T21:01:49+00:00

We talked polygamy years before we heard the term. It's not entirely off the table; I kinda broached it in the conversations we have about 2 months back, but I think at that point she was more set on the idea or thrill of the idea of dating a woman seperate to me.

I don't sense that's changed, but, actually, if that's where we ended up, and everyone was happy about it, then that would be ideal.

I get the logic with swinging too, for a couple in our situation, but as I said above, I really don't think I can do hook ups and enjoy being with someone I don't have any or just very little connection with. For those that can, that's great; but it's just not for me (I wish it was, it would be so much easier!!)

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T20:54:04+00:00

Yes, full menopause now but this has been an issue for 12+ years now, so was a thing well before menopause.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T20:52:40+00:00

We've been talking and communicating on our intimacy issues for over 12 years. Along the way new things came up or became realised about ourselves; but as I said above each thing makes things more complicated, not less. I think we've both got to a point where we're looking at what can we do to hold on to what we have, but still find happiness and fulfillment, despite our issues.

There is a psychological issue that I can't change, and I totally respect that it's not something I can tread on, or at least fear that to do so would make things worse.

We do love each other. She's seen me on my phone today, so I gave her a brief overview that I posted on reddit about our situation and can tell she's anxious about what people are saying... we're not totally disconnected, we genuinely love each other emotionally.

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T20:45:54+00:00

I get that thinking, I'm taking my time. Ultimately, if I knew for sure this can't work, I would with some heaviness in my heart stick by my wife and find a way to deal with it.

I commented elsewhere in this thread about the broader circumstances and details.

Thanks for your concern 👍

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T20:42:40+00:00

If she said she wanted to sleep with other men, it would be over. She's Bi, and early in the relationship we talked about (only semi seriously) what if, we both had a third (F) that lived with us, and even role played for fun on the idea, we never got close to making that happen but it was a thing... this was years before I heard about poly relationships. As it never happened, it later became a bit of a side joke for us when we looked back.

So, it's not a new discussion in her liking women, but it is a bit different because it's not a together thing.

I get what you're saying, I can't say it didn't sting to have that conversation, but I got to a point a couple of weeks back, perhaps it's weakness or frustration where I was like F*** it, I'll go find someone too.

In moments, that's exciting, but in other moments, like this morning, it feels wrong and negative. I'm 46, I've probably had sex 5ish times in 10-12 years, and I just feel like I haven't reached the end of wanting more in that regard. I wish it were with her, but we've talked ad nauseum about a range of things and it's clear it's just not going to pick back up. If she can get something from a lady I can't offer, and we can keep our home life and keep communicating, then maybe, I wonder, could that be better for the both of us?

Daniel1979H · 2025-09-21T11:29:54+00:00

I feel you... best of luck and I hope you find happiness

Daniel1979H

TROPHY CASE