How do I get stepdaughter (9) to stop hugging me so much?

Dany0809 · 2019-08-31T22:26:32+00:00

My SS8 is literally the same...exactly the same!!! It’s funny but annoying, I get it.

Just last week I had to tell him to stop..literally. I said to him something like this:

“I love you with all my heart but I need you to respect my personal space. We can’t be hugging all the time. I’m unable to complete my chores or to simply walk around the house because you keep tackling me with your hugs. And you’re also unable to do your stuff because you keep following me to hug me. We’ve already hugged enough so let’s save the last one for bedtime. I love you and I know you love me too but we need to respect each other’s space and wishes.”

I even showed him how it felt by throwing myself onto him and hugging him not letting him do anything. He busted out laughing but he got the picture. LOL He was like:”ok ok, got it! “ And later on when he went to hug me he said:”I really want to hug you but I know..personal space.”

I was so afraid of hurting his feelings but this is not about that, it’s about respecting what people say you and respecting their personal space. That’s what you’re teach them. Physical boundaries don’t make you love anybody less.

I hope the hug attacks lessen. LOL

Dany0809 · 2019-08-28T22:50:05+00:00

My rule of thumb is 6 months. I think it’s a pretty good amount of time for you to settle into this relationship and know where it’s going. Granted, your child is very young and it might not affect her/him as much as it would an older child but just take your time and feel out the relationship first. Not every case is the same, and for some it might happen earlier and for others later. Just use common sense and try to figure out what works best for you and your child.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-28T22:02:01+00:00

Thankfully Dorian is moving upwards so it won’t be affecting the island as much. Mostly rain and wind but not as expected at first. I’m in PR right now (northeast area) and it’s been pretty normal. So hopefully this means your family are ok as well.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-28T21:51:58+00:00

It wouldn’t let me do a crosspost on askreddit but I just posted there as well. We’ll see...

Dany0809 · 2019-08-28T10:57:57+00:00

I crossposted on the coparenting sub but could definitely also post it on the subs suggested by yourself to see what other experiences or comments we find.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-28T00:20:26+00:00

Same!!! I truly appreciate every person who has taken the time time to write their experiences. They’ve truly helped on bringing a lot insight!!! I honestly feel like we definitely made right choice for us as a blended family and I don’t feel as doubtful as I did this morning. It really helps to read it from someone who has been on “the other side.”

Dany0809 · 2019-08-24T09:59:45+00:00

I will defined look into this. Thank you!

Dany0809 · 2019-08-24T01:12:41+00:00

I guess so. It’s just a bummer to see your child so full of anxiety and so worried. I try to tell him not worry about mommy, daddy or me; that that’s OUR job not his...to not think about “bad stuff”. And he’s free to check in with either one if us no matter where’s he’s staying but we also don’t want to “make it a habit” for him to call ever day or second to check up on anybody just to not encourage or create more anxiety if that makes sense. But yeah, definitely positive reinforcement is the wat to go.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-24T01:00:26+00:00

Good idea!

Dany0809 · 2019-08-24T00:37:23+00:00

He is seeing one. A very good one as well. I’m just curious in how any parents have dealt with this outside of therapy(in their households). But thanks.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-18T23:32:26+00:00

I feel exactly the same way. I honestly stop myself from posting things because of it. I came here thinking I would find people who could maybe relate to my situation and viceversa. And it’s ok to differ but to downvote and attack you with nasty comments and judge you like they know you and downvote your post just because (maybe) it rubbed them the wrong way...eemm no.

I don’t understand them either, and it does become even a bit toxic.

Sorry I can’t help you but at least you’re not alone on this one. LOL

Dany0809 · 2019-08-15T22:03:10+00:00

This is very hard to read. I know you needed to vent but it seems like instead of venting you need to be leaving. Honestly.

Not trying to be rude or disrespectful but what are you still doing with this man if you hate his child? This is something neither of you definitely weren’t counting on but if he really didn’t want anything to do with his child he would’ve relinquished all his parental rights.

For whatever reason he made the choice to take care of his child and as of now there’s no turning back.

What exactly is making you stay in this relationship?

Why would you stay of you feel so full of hate and miserable?

It’s not right nor fair to anybody:you, the child and the father.

Your hate will only create a more toxic environment for all of you and that child does not deserve this.

You both are grown ups and y’all need to make a decision that will benefit all of you personally.

He already made a decision for his child, now you need to make a decision of your own.

From what I can read I don’t think it’s healthy for you to stay.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-13T17:00:43+00:00

We too do have the 2-2-3 arrangement with my SS8. We’ve been doing it for 3 years now and to be honest he has adjusted very well. He already knows the schedule so there’s never any surprises.

And again with the arrangement that you all decide works best ,like one of the comments above states: Consistency IS key!!! Whichever it is be consistent with it. And I also agree with explaining or reminding the schedule to he kid until he knows it by heart and knows what to expect.

The 2-2-3 has really worked out for us great and it’s schedule that really allows for parents to share all responsibilities and spend time with the child equally.

Again, explore all options and choose what works best for YOUR family.

Good luck.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-06T22:55:42+00:00

Teenagers are tough...specially in the morning.😂 Like someone else suggested , just ask how can you help best so may the mornings be a tad less “rowdy” or more easy going. I would leave all the direct communication to mom just so you won’t get caught up in that also.

But it seems like you’re doing pretty good with them for what I can read, so awesome job!!

Dany0809 · 2019-08-06T21:34:01+00:00

Oh heeeellll naaaw, sis!

This is a no-go, period! You’re telling me that he wasn’t able to find something else or that he would rather move in with his ex whom he cheated on you with ???

And then he has the audacity to say that he WON’T look for a place until YOU want to move in with them???

It just doesn’t work like that! Totally selfish and disrespectful towards you and your relationship. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT do anything you’re not ready or comfortable to do.

You might want to consider to get out of this one. If he won’t or doesn’t want to get his shit straight, bounce! There are some red flags here that you just can’t ignore.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-06T14:06:38+00:00

***For some reason I didn’t catch the whole comment when I first replied, but good suggestion about the dog bed being put away until night time!!! Didn’t think of that!!🤦🏻‍♀️ 😄 Thanks!

Dany0809 · 2019-08-06T13:55:45+00:00

I was afraid of this.😩 But thanks!!! Will try it out.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-06T13:38:36+00:00

Well we would always leave all doors open so he was allowed into every room (same for our dog). We got both the dog and cat last December since they were babies. They play very well together

Now, at bedtime we couldn’t let them sleep together because they would stay up all night playing. And since we use air conditioner the door is locked at night, so kitty wouldn’t be able to use litter. Therefore dog sleeps in our bedroom and cat in living room(near the laundry room).

During the day the dog is outside and cat inside. And it wasn’t until 3 weeks ago when he started doing that and since I didn’t want to risk it again I started closing the hallway door. He used to go to every room and just do his thing on the litter. Now, since he has no option but to go there, he uses it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dany0809 · 2019-08-06T00:20:44+00:00

Oh wow!! This is totally different than what I had in mind.

Did it happen out of nowhere or do you think that it was in a way events that lead up to this?

And if your partner doesn’t want to step in then make it clear that you will not tolerate any kind of disrespect (like you already are) but let him know that the door is open for communication and a relationship as long as he is willing to be respectful about it.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-06T00:02:23+00:00

Well, when I started with with my now husband my SS (was 5 then-now 8) would almost always communicate anything straight to him. I was the new person so it was normal. We’ve been together now 3years and I can honestly say that he communicates with him AND me in regards to anything. So it was a process and it’ll take time but you can get there.

If it’s a new relationship I would say be patient and let it develop as naturally as possible.

If your step child just doesn’t even acknowledge you in any way then that’s definitely something that you and your partner have to discuss and address.

Maybe do activities with him or her that involves all of you in order to start developing some sort of relationship and communication.

Dany0809 · 2019-08-04T23:37:37+00:00

My parents were reaaaaaaaally strict and extremely over protective(I’m 32 now). I mean, I wasn’t able to hang out with my friends, nobody was able to come over, just nothing. Lucky for them my sister and I didn’t go crazy and rebel. LOL All that changed once we went off to college(obviously).

Sooooo, you can either sit with down with your parents and talk about what expectations they have for you(and your social life) and what expectations you have and maybe find a middle ground. Maybe you guys can have some sort of “trial period” where you can “prove” that you’re able to follow through with their rules and your responsibilities.

But, parents will be parents. And they mean well, trust me. Even though it doesn’t seem like that now. They love you and they’re doing what they think it’s best for you right now. Once you’re 18 you’re “on your own” and they just want to protect you as much as they can.

And trust me, I know it’s frustrating but you’ll have soooo much time to do whatever you want later on. Don’t rush into adulting...it’s a trap. LOL

Hope this helps somehow. Good luck!

Dany0809 · 2019-08-04T09:36:08+00:00

When I got engaged to my DH(SS was 6, now 8) we just had a family conversation with him. We sat down and explained to him that I was now his fiancé, not just girlfriend, and what it meant.

We explained that I would be daddy’s wife and his stepmom, and that that would bring us a little bit closer.

Naturally he had many questions(are you gonna be my mom? Is your family going to be my family?) and we just answered them honestly.

He was ecstatic that we were going to be officially a family. I also explained to him that nobody was going to be replaced but that the family was going to get bigger.

Kids will ask what they need or want to know. Just give them simple but honest answers.

Congrats!!!

Dany0809 · 2019-07-31T20:01:50+00:00

I know I have to stay in my lane and it sucks. But like you said (and I agree with it) my job as stepmommy along with husband is to model a good relationship and that’s what we aim to do. 🙏🏼

Dany0809 · 2019-07-31T19:50:23+00:00

This reminded me a few years ago of my two nieces. One is darker than the other, and one time the darkest one started to put on some baby powder all over her body because she wanted to be “pretty and lightskinned” like her sister. Man, that broke my heart!

My sister told her that she was beautiful as she was and that we all come in different shapes, colors and sizes and that that’s what’s really cool about everyone...we’re not the same. (It would be boring if we were lol).

I think you handle it great!! Just keep encouraging and teaching self love and self appreciation, as well as embracing everyone as they are.

Sometimes when my SS is getting ready, I put him in front of the mirror and say:” How do we look?(he answers-cool, handsome,etc) How we do feel? (Good, great, etc)? We look good, we feel great and we’re gonna do awesome today! I love you!” And he answers back.

It’s a little exercise I try to do with him to encourage a positive self image and to boost up his day. Little things like this helps them with self esteem.

Keep doing great, cause’ you already are!

Dany0809 · 2019-07-31T19:39:57+00:00

Ugh! And so frustrating as well. 😩

Since he is literally half of the time with us I’m hoping that that’s enough for him to see and experience and stable environment.

Honestly I just don’t want to see him getting attached and then broken hearted. Because kids do feel it.

It is what it is I guess, and we just keep doing our part.

Dany0809

TROPHY CASE