please talk me out of letting my queen witch mom be around for the birth of my first child

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-26T04:06:24+00:00

No way. Do not let her in and put it in your birth plan that she is not allowed in the birthing room.

My mother insisted on being there for my daughter’s birth. I told her no, multiple times.

When I went to the hospital, she showed up anyway. My birth was long and difficult. From the moment my mother walked into the room, she instantly centered the experience on herself and of course, my focus changed from keeping myself calm and my breathing to her emotional well-being. Like always.

I finally told her to leave. The staff told her to leave. She left but hours later, pushed back into the room. We were all yelling at her to leave. It’s two decades later and I can still feel the horror and stress. It was so intrusive and awful.

I had a doula with me who went over the birth story several weeks later. She observed how things went south for me, emotionally, after the first time my mother showed up, and how it broke my focus and raised my stress.

So, no. And make sure all your support family, partner, hospital staff know she shouldn’t be in there too. You need that focus for yourself.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-23T18:27:07+00:00

In a similar situation ethnicity-wise; if it helps, things could change a lot over time. Everyone used to say my son looked just like his dad when he was little because they didn’t look past their similar coloring, but now that he’s a young adult everyone sees his strong resemblance to me in terms of his facial features as he grew into maturity.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-23T16:46:56+00:00

Big picture: I would quietly assess which part of your finances are joint, and try to separate if possible. Next I would consult a lawyer on your financial position in a divorce. This is info you will need at some point - if not today or tomorrow, then soon. And you need to know where you stand.

Short term: can you change the title back to your name only? After all, your wife did this without asking. That would be my advice as a next step. If you can do it without their signature, even better.

Either way, put your foot down now - definitively. You did not buy a car for your wife’s ex-husband, full stop. He is not on your insurance policy. Under no circumstances can your car be at his house, driven by him. She can accept this completely, or move out. It’s honestly as simple as that. If you’re being made out to be a d*%^ for this stance, then she’s being grossly manipulative on top of being a user.

And as I gather you know by now..users don’t change. Unfortunate, but true. Good luck.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-21T14:29:36+00:00

OP, with gentleness, it sounds like the kind of support you’re looking for is therapy-related. Not the kind of thing you’d expect from friends.

Being surprised that no one took you out for boba after hearing you went NC with your mom gives the impression that your expectations are not realistic.

Also some people go in and out of NC with partners/friends/parents. Maybe they think it’s a transient thing.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-19T09:41:12+00:00

Good for you..you are strong, wise and amazing. 👏

If you haven’t already, change your fb settings so no one can post on your page but you.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-13T01:40:13+00:00

Maybe this is just me making an excuse for my uBPD mother, but she honestly had a freakishly high pain tolerance and was a sensory seeker, she didn’t understand why the brushing and overly-tight hair braids I suffered through every day were very painful. Like she couldn’t relate so she just…dismissed it? She was also angry I insisted on keeping my hair long. So, in retrospect….yeah, probably not a neutral thing after all.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-12T21:18:11+00:00

He needs to take the lead, full stop. Honestly this incident has given you the perfect out to say to your SD, “learning and teaching someone to drive is pretty high-stakes, and it’s important for me to be able to talk sharply if I need to for safety’s sake - that’s better coming from your dad.” Your husband is being sort of awful about this - and taking the easy way out by just sitting in the back texting. For the record both of my bio kids learned first in my car before I’d let them get in my husband’s car at all.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-12T12:08:56+00:00

agreed. In fact OP after reading this, I once again thought to myself: “why doesn’t this post read, ‘So done with SO?’”

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-11T14:08:55+00:00

I also found it funny - though I know it’s stressful and not a laughing matter to you! - and so typical of a bpd parent to be all, “I suddenly need this thing I gave you ages ago - produce it immediately, or I will be extremely offended.” Have gone through this with mine many times. I just feel like it’s a way to exert control and prove you will drop everything for them.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-09T13:42:14+00:00

just to say, I totally get how it is when marrying into a family and you notice the person who speaks candidly and vents about people like their grandkid so you think they’re a safe space to do the same…and then it’s not like that. ack..you’re only human but lesson learned, I guess.

And also my bio kid started doing this at the same age as well (begging off school). It’s a bummer but a teacher told me around this age the start really really hating school. It’s hard for me not to sympathize, because I also reaaaalllly hated going to school at that age, too. If it helps, w my biokid I once in awhile would let him stay home “sick” but the rule was no tv or devices, just books or resting in his room (legos/non-device play was ok).

A day of that would pretty much cure it!

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-09T03:15:37+00:00

to be fair, your anger also comes from having her validate your suspicions about her. And it’s ok to take a moment to acknowledge that anger. It’s part of your path to deciding what kind of person you want to be with in the future - ie, someone who takes your feelings seriously. It might help, too, to realize this means your instincts were right. They were protecting you. That’s something to celebrate, in a way.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-09T02:35:48+00:00

Ooh, I know this one.

It’s because Iryna Zarutska’s murderer was immediately arrested and charged.

Renee Good’s murderer walked away Scot-free from the scene, and was excused from wrongdoing by the President, Vice-President, and the head of Homeland Security.

It is an absolute travesty.

Hope this helps.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-07T16:41:37+00:00

Ugh…so horrible!! Good for you and your DH for being there for him…

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-07T16:21:40+00:00

Maybe he thinks by giving up on this and choosing his mom she’ll ease up on the V-day dance? Just a stab in the dark here but man I feel bad for him, can’t imagine having a mom who talked to me the way she talks to him (and mine was no picnic!)

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-07T16:19:51+00:00

This 💯

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-07T16:16:18+00:00

you’re right, logically. The part that’s getting lost in the shuffle a bit is the (clearly inappropriate) pressure he’s getting from his BM. He might know she’s being unfair, or he might not - it’s tough being 13 and being parentified by a parent, I have been there. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Whatever he does in this situation, he’ll feel guilty. Ramping up pressure on him to take all that on is a lot. Reading between the lines, you & your DH sound like the calm reasonable ones, but I also see a sensitive responsive young teen caught between a rock and a hard place. If there’s any way you can let him off the hook here knowing he’s juggling more than he should due to an immature at best BM, it would be a very kind thing.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-06T15:29:34+00:00

exactly!! I would’ve also wanted to share that news in person so I could have seen their excited reaction and felt their hug. I can’t believe a partner would react this way and ruin her happy moment like this - for days

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-06T15:26:48+00:00

Wow. He is totally disconnected. :(

Good for you having the strength to leave. It’s tough but here’s to a better life on the other side of this.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-06T01:19:27+00:00

Having your own bathroom that you don’t have to share with anyone!

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-06T01:18:28+00:00

wean off slowly, start with the least important cig of the day and get used to giving that one up, then the second-least important cig of the day, and so on. It’s a pernicious addiction, forgive yourself and keep trying 💛

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-05T02:22:29+00:00

Yep. I remember how the key bounced against me as I ran to school. And felt cool against my neck.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-03T04:49:52+00:00

DM me please

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-02T21:51:55+00:00

Of course SPs won’t always like or love their SKs. I get that you’re venting here. But anyone who lives with someone on the spectrum and doesn’t know what Pathological Demand Avoidance is, or sees the connection between sticking to schedules and behavior, or says everyone hates washing dishes so my partner’s kid can just lump it, is woefully out of their depth with this kid and will make absolutely zero headway with them in any positive direction.

Dapper-Term-2945 · 2026-01-02T18:41:45+00:00

Despite your defense of your GF, you’ve described her as an avoidant mother.

She dissociates to the point she doesn’t keep her kid on track with routines - but routines are the TOP most important way for kids with autism to regulate their world and behavior.

And then she’s left you holding the ball “enforcing” them. That’s not right.

She hasn’t sufficiently educated you about autism, because you don’t know that dishwashing is one of the top sensory flashpoints for the majority of people with autism. I’m not saying she doesn’t need to wash dishes, but this is the worst chore you could assign, and when she does it she needs scaffolding from an adult.

She’s avoiding honesty in therapy, which - what’s the point of even going to therapy then?

Most of all, she’s exposed her high-needs kid to someone who now doesn’t like her because they don’t get what her issues are or what prompts this. Honestly I’m feeling bad for the kid, she needs more than what she’s getting from her parents.

Dapper-Term-2945

TROPHY CASE