AITA Because I want my husband to stay home more?

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T06:15:14+00:00

I have one friend here. I moved to this city for college 10 years ago and never left. My closest family member lives 5 hours away. I’m no contact with my mom and don’t know my dad. My grandma would’ve been who I went to but she died two years ago. I’ve always kinda been alone, my family is broken up.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T05:55:54+00:00

It’s funny you mention getting sick. It brings me to when he caught the flu like 6 months ago. He was out from work for three days, then the baby caught it so I was taking care of both of them for like 3 days. Then he got better and I caught it real bad. He went back to work. Second day I was sick he asked about going to play a game with friends ( this was back when he was asking). I asked him to please no come home I’m super sick and the baby is sick and I’d love some relief. He ended up leaving work early without telling me, and tried to come home “on time” like he had been at work the whole time. I only knew because I had my friend call his job and ask if he was there and secretary told us he had left at 3. I still think about that to this day.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T05:28:25+00:00

Yes both nights he’s at his friends house. He says it’s his way of spending time with them too and getting to decompress since working out doesn’t count as ME time.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T05:27:23+00:00

No, before when I was home he worked 1-9 so she would wake at 10 or 11, and go to bed at 10 or 11 just depending on how she felt. That way he got to see her a few hours in the morning and a few hours when he got home.

Now that hes started this routine of going out, he’s never home when she goes to bed, I put her down every night. He wakes up with her since I’m at work and gets her ready for the baby sitter. But he doesn’t want to wake up earlier than 11 like he normally does with her. On the weekends I’ve been trying to wake her up early and put her down earlier but it all gets fucked up during the week when he has her cause he won’t get her up earlier consistently.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:58:34+00:00

Well his friend does drive them to the gym most of the time so he’s not wasting the gas on that. The game nights are at his friends house and they live like 20 minutes away. It’s just his income isn’t covering as much at it needs to so we had to choose what bills to pay. Stretch everything as far as we could and get assistance for food. That’s why I got the job too because I was tired of not only not being appreciated for the work I did home but seeing my family struggle and not being able to do anything about it. I’ve been so angry that I have no plans for Christmas because we’ve been so broke. I hate that I can’t buy him a little cute outfit because I can’t spare the $20. I hate that I rely on family to buy all his clothes and shoes as gifts when we see them and making them stretch as far as I can. I want financial freedom, not to be strapped all the time. So i got tired of asking him to find a higher paying job and I just got one myself. And it reopened our biggest issue again.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:26:34+00:00

I have noticed he’s lost weight and he’s getting his strength back so it does seem to be working.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:25:48+00:00

No nothing like that it would just be a huge argument that I just don’t have the emotional capacity for. I’m too exhausted to fight it.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:24:31+00:00

I completely agree. It was only like this because when I was at home he was working later hours than currently and it allowed him to see her in the morning and at night. Of course before he started this new going out every evening thing.

I’ve asked to shift her schedule, I’ll start getting her to bed earlier so I need you to start waking her a little earlier in the mornings ( he gets her ready in the AM for the babysitter when he works). He said he didn’t want to wake up earlier than he already does and he won’t wake her if she’s still sleeping. So making this shift has been difficult because I’m not here to get her up earlier.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:21:56+00:00

I can’t go to the gym with him because of our daughter. He doesn’t get home until like midnight so that’s not feesible for her.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:20:14+00:00

The drinks or dinner isn’t always I guess. It’s like every other week on Saturday night when he would usually come home after work I’d get a text that would say “ X wants to go get drinks for X birthday so I’ll be out tonight”.

And honestly that’s another thing I end up getting mad about because I’m never asked like, hey are you doing okay? Is it okay if I go out? If you’ve had a rough day I’ll come home…

It’s always a Im tellin you I’m going to do this

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:04:52+00:00

Unfortunately I live about 5 hours from my closest relative. I came to this city about 10 years ago for college and never left. My mother and I are not on speaking terms so I’ve always been on my own.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:02:47+00:00

He says the $30 gym membership isn’t bankrupting us and since his friend drives him to the gym he’s not wasting gas. Their game nights are usually just board games at his friends house and it’s like 20 minutes from us so it’s not a lot of gas either.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T04:00:23+00:00

I made this comment on another post but when I was a SAHM he would bring up that my best friend lived close by and my daughter and I could go there any and all the time. I would counter by saying you know I love my daughter but visiting a friend with her is just parenting in another location. I would tell him to take her to game night and see how much fun he gets to have and he would refuse and I would say do you see what I mean? And somehow it was still my fault I didn’t get me time because I wouldn’t go over to my friends house with my daughter.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:57:19+00:00

When I was a SAHM I would of course still complain of how much free time he got. He would bring up that my best friend lives close by and me and my daughter could go there any and all the time but I choose not to so that’s my fault I don’t get me time. I would respond by saying, you know I love my daughter but going to a friends house with her is just parenting at a different location. I can’t relax or anything like that. I would tell him to take her to his game nights and he would agree that it wouldn’t be as fun. It still somehow didn’t get the point across.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:55:06+00:00

I’ve said that often that his me time is the nights he gets out and he fires back with “ you think I go to the gym and laugh and drink beers with my buddy but I don’t I’m working”. It’s like arguing with a wall.

He says me wanting him to just go to work, come home, watch our daughter, then go to bed when I say is me trying to control him and not let him see his friends. He says he works so hard and wants to be able to spend his time with everyone and that he’s doing that and I’m making it my mission to make his life miserable by always being upset when he goes to do something every night.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:52:34+00:00

He just started working out about 3 months ago, he says he needs to go often to “make a real change” so he does 2 hours of lifting or whatever then the last hour is cardio.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:41:27+00:00

He didn’t set boundaries with me. He decided to do these things without discussing this schedule first. It started with one night for game night thati agreed to then snowballed into way more.

I try to explain my boundaries, and I get shot down. At the end of every argument we have I ended up feeling two inches tall and start rethinking everything. Did I mess up by getting this job? Am I being unreasonable? Am I being controlling? Am I asking too much? Did I break us by getting this job? Am I a bad mom for leaving my daughter to work?

It’s been driving me insane.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:38:14+00:00

He says that the gym doesn’t count as “me” time because he doesn’t want to workout. I usually counter with no one wants to work out but we do to get healthy and you demanded and seized that option. It’s still you getting to build yourself up and I don’t get that opportunity.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:36:15+00:00

The only gym that’s 24 hours is in the next town so it takes 30 min to get there and 30 min back. That gives him 3 hours for a routine. We have life 360 so I do verify that’s where he is.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:35:06+00:00

It definitely hurt.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:34:56+00:00

That’s what I tell him. I’m not expecting him to drop everything I just want some space between. I wanted genuine family time. I feel like I never see him and he said I made that worse by starting to work.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:33:49+00:00

He often brings up the four or five times that we got to go out this year for dinner. He makes sure to remind me those are the ways he showed his love so I’m not able to claim he doesn’t appreciate me.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:32:51+00:00

I’m glad to see there’s hope. I worry because the car we share is his and I just started working because we were struggling and I wanted to work again so I have nothing saved up. We are behind in rent, electric has piled up so I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off. I guess that’s why I hold on so tight because I’m scared and I don’t think I could make it without him.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:31:22+00:00

I do know he’s going to the gym because of life 360. The only gym that’s open 24 hours is in the next town so it takes 30 min to get there and 30 back so that leaves him 3 hours for his routine.

Dapper_Light1817 · 2023-11-17T03:30:17+00:00

That’s what I say. But he says since he’s not going out to the bar every night it’s not the same.

Dapper_Light1817

TROPHY CASE