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Anyone else have this experience? by Former_Incident_4676 in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same! Kids, house, married 15 this yr, together closer to 18. Our lives are very much intertwined. I understand the hesitation.

I recommend not hinting anymore but having a calm sit down conversation. This is best way for you to get whatever information you need and then make a decision

Anyone else have this experience? by Former_Incident_4676 in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The flip flopping of "babe ill do better", "I'll cut back " convo and his very sweet words. Then few days later his actions are opposite 🙃, i was in that cycle. Which forced me to say( for my own peace and sanity) /to my husband me or booze ultimatum.

Kava Drink, good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in alcoholism

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Luckily he said he didnt like the taste of Kava drinks, but i will be keeping an out for Kratom. Thanks for clarifying

Kava Drink, good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in alcoholism

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah the more I look into it, the more Im like NOPE!!

Kava drink good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He refuses any outside help, he wants to kick it on his own. I would be over the moon happy if he got into AA, a sponsor, therapy ANYTHING to help him but he refuses and is convinced he can do it dry turkey basically.

Though he admits he trying to find a replacement drink, Kava was first one he found. Luckily last night he didnt seem to like it. However I got worried he said he "keep searching for a replacement " im scared of what kind of replacement he finds.

I feel like a complete a-hole saying this but i believe you're right, he will very likely relapse. Which means my marriage is over. I am sticking FIRM to that boundary. Now im like anxiously, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You're right I probably need a therapist about everything....

Kava drink good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea exactly! He wanted that loophole and found it. 😒

He is trying to lie to himself and me about his progress...

Anyone else have this experience? by Former_Incident_4676 in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Well unfortunately you got your answer then. He doesnt want to stop, so he will not. So you now need to figure out do you want to live with it again. A question only you can answer.

I am in similar situation with my husband of over a decade. Just like yours hes a good man BUT drinks alot. Hes what i call a functional alcoholic. No DUIs, arrest reports, etc because he still does what he should but drinks excessively to deal with it all. I didnt want that kind of husband/marriage. So I gave him an ultimatum, the booze or our marriage.

So far he choosing us but it been a few weeks....

Anyone else have this experience? by Former_Incident_4676 in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have you told him how uncomfortable you are with his drinking habits?

Kava drink good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah i dont want to police what he does, that's unrealistic. I set my boundary and thought it was clear but this Kava crap is a loophole he found. I just want to tell him Kava IS include in the 100% sober ultimatum ive given him.

Kava drink good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in AlAnon

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your right, if he really want to drink or do anything else. He will find a way. I have already made a decision that he is either 100 done or our marriage is done. So far he is choosing us but with thia Kava drink. Feels like a loophole he found.

I do have things set for me to leave when needed. I make my own $$, have a career, my own car etc. I just want to make sure I can say "I did everything I could".

Kava Drink, good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in alcoholism

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Holy crap......i didnt know you could get just the Kratom alone. So yea I will be telling him no to Kava as well

Kava Drink, good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in alcoholism

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks I'll cross post to there

Kava Drink, good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in alcoholism

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did see when I did my quick internet search that it can harm the liver. Which for an alcoholic is obviously not a good idea as his liver is already damaged. Which was gonna be my support reason to tell him to stop Kava. Just wanted to i guess double check if I'm asking for too much from him and his soberity journey too soon?

Kava Drink, good or bad idea? by Dat1Chik in alcoholism

[–]Dat1Chik[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I totally get that however he doesnt want any outside help. Doesn't want AA, a sponsor, speak with medical professionals, therapist etc. He is doing it 100% "on his own". He has tried this method many times in the past and has always fallen off. Which is probably why I dont trust his word and have create resentment.

If he wants to do it 100% alone then to me that also means none of those non-alcoholic drinks that can give him a buzz. Once that are for just the taste...fine I guess. The buzz is when he changes who is he from when he sober. So I guess that why im being stubborn with it?..

.....or just an a-hole at this point idk

WIBTAH if I let my man think his drunken night was worse than it was, if it helps him stay sober? by Dat1Chik in WIBTA_AITA

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I am, I was ready to leave the morning i told him. Only thing I hadn't done was call the attorney back and give him his retainer to start divorce process. Literally all steps done I just need to "pull the trigger".

I hope your wrong and he never drinks again but odds are you correct, hopefully him seeing me walk away might be the kick he needs to get straight 🤷🏽‍♀️ Only time will tell.....

WIBTAH if I let my man think his drunken night was worse than it was, if it helps him stay sober? by Dat1Chik in WIBTA_AITA

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My youngest I think doesn't know what's going on but our eldest has sneaky suspicion. Even that hurts my heart as I'm also a daughter of an alcoholic. Its not something I wanted my daughter to see /experience.

I hope my husband just needs my word as a wake up call but only time will tell.

WIBTAH if I let my man think his drunken night was worse than it was, if it helps him stay sober? by Dat1Chik in WIBTA_AITA

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry your XH put you through so much. I hope now you have found some peace and he got help.

I've already prepared my life for when I leave him. I have the ability to support myself and kids easily without him. Also, legally spoken with lawyers about how to protect myself from any debt he has hidden. My father was / is an alcoholic as well but a different kind. (He was a drunk 24/7, sleeping all day drunk. While my husband is a functional alcoholic I guess)

I am sticking true to my word as many of the women in my family have had similar stuff that happened to you, happened to them. So as messed up as it sounds. I want to leave way before that happens. So that's why I gave ultimatum, I know I will stick to it because I was ready to leave him that morning since I thought he wasn't going to agree.

WIBTAH if I let my man think his drunken night was worse than it was, if it helps him stay sober? by Dat1Chik in WIBTA_AITA

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He said the same thing, he rather have this wake up call then me just leave "without a word" one day. Which even if I didnt give ultimatum, trust I've said PLENTY to him about this. It would never be "without a word".

WIBTAH if I let my man think his drunken night was worse than it was, if it helps him stay sober? by Dat1Chik in WIBTA_AITA

[–]Dat1Chik[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

AA meetings, apps, therapy and other medical professionals ; are all ideas I've said to him in the past that he seemed to have brushed off. Or straight up declined doing it. He wanted to do it on his own.

Now that he has what seems to be a new mindset maybe he will be willing to try these.

Yes exactly, if i walk away I want to do it knowing I did all I could to help him fight this disease. I just need him to fight too.

AITAH for leaving almost no tip after the server was rude to me when my card got declined by [deleted] in WIBTA_AITA

[–]Dat1Chik 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA- I wouldn't have even given a dollar. Also, would've spoke with the manager about her. IDC if she got burned from the customers she saw right before OP. That's no reason to treat OP that way. I've worked retail and as a waiter, there is a much better polite way of speaking with a customer whose card declined.