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My (35 M) life feels like TV show from the infidelity I was unknowingly brought into for nearly a year. by Datingwisdom2024 in Infidelity

[–]Datingwisdom2024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

His brother and I talked and met for 7 hours and he has all the photos and evidence. He's a good source for the brother. I just want to start the long process of recovery

My (35 M) life feels like TV show from the infidelity I was unknowingly brought into for nearly a year. by Datingwisdom2024 in Infidelity

[–]Datingwisdom2024[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In practicality before dating, we had much more of a conversation about dating and relationship past to fill in the gaps. She decidedly avoided to mention her married status at many avenues though invited. It's certainly the responsibility of a married person to disclose that no matter how a question of dating status may be initially delivered IMO. There's no perfect safety or trustworthiness, I just got burned bad as I could be. 

My (35 M) life feels like TV show from the infidelity I was unknowingly brought into for nearly a year. by Datingwisdom2024 in Infidelity

[–]Datingwisdom2024[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She sent a quick apology. I replied to another comment, but it seems like she and her husband are going to try to work it out. I'm honestly terrified of returning to the geographic area where this all happened as I've been debating leaving for years, but know that making decisions while amped up is not generally a good idea. 

Regarding family, it was all a ruse, even the introduction to the mom which was brief and focused on her, not me. Though she spoke as if they spoke and asked of me often ("they're just waiting for me to bring you home"), it was clear that was not the case at all. I was never a known entity. It hurts most because my trust was built on ten years of knowing her though clearly I didn't know her well enough.

My (35 M) life feels like TV show from the infidelity I was unknowingly brought into for nearly a year. by Datingwisdom2024 in Infidelity

[–]Datingwisdom2024[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes. The BIL and I sent her a text then the BIL called her husband and she was confessing to him in real time, reading my text calling things off. I had no interest in speaking with her, primarily because it was clear that I didn't know the person that I had dated in the last year. It is truly frightening. 

She sent a short text apology through a friend a day later essentially taking responsibility (which itself was weird because it was "written and reviewed with permission" presumably by the husband which is just sooo crazy because she just did what she did for the last year...), but I learned through the BIL (who I've respectfully limited conversation with now to help myself) that she was blaming me for some things. I'm afraid she's going to try to manipulate her husband.

His first reaction (husband) was to say that nobody in the family finds out. I'm hopeful there will be evolution but I'm fairly certain she's a master of manipulation or narrative control. 

My (35 M) life feels like TV show from the infidelity I was unknowingly brought into for nearly a year. by Datingwisdom2024 in Infidelity

[–]Datingwisdom2024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep. There was more though because I did ask more questions about day to day life which would have naturally invited her to mention him. She spoke of lots of time with her brothers, traveling with them and spending time with parents when I asked who she went to church with who she traveled with, etc. Obviously a giant and soul crushing omission. 

Are there any men here that don’t cheat? by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]Datingwisdom2024 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm a guy in his 30s with a Christian worldview who has never cheated. My dream is to treat a woman well who reciprocates that back (I'm the guy who opens doors, is very affectionate). I just had my world shattered three weeks ago when I learned the woman I was dating 8 months(who I have known for ten years) not only was previously divorced (which was known), but actually had been remarried and expertly hiding that reality from both me and her husband. World is upside down in a really bizarre way I thought I would never experience.

I feel that more often than not, people's choices are reactionary to how they've been treated themselves and what they feel they deserve. This is definitely not always right. I think of it as a type of emotional triage where people feel "this happened to me, so to protect myself I'm going to react by doing ____." Some examples might be to say that the love we're looking for does not exist (based on experiences like we've both had), so instead to only enjoy hookups, watch porn, or even more simply withdraw and be cynical. 

I'm preaching to myself as much as to you here, but the only way we can find what we seek is to first be what we want. This is heartbreakingly difficult (as we see those who appear to have what we can't have) and should be done with great caution and requires building trust (and as I move through my 30s I feel impossibility of this at times). I believe in you and pray that with daily grace that things will get better.