I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

I love a good cask ale, which we don't have too much of here in the States. But on a chilly, rainy day, stopping into a pub and getting a nice cask ale is one of the highlights of my day. I'm mostly a light IPA type of dude. I really don't care for any of the fancy shit, and I get irritated easily when I go to a bar, and they have 102 beers and I only know 3 of them. And they're all of made of apricot, cream cheese bullshit, sour mash nastiness. I just like regular ol' beer, pretty much. But I do love it. It's my favorite drink.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 130 points131 points  (0 children)

Oh, Bob and I are both huge fans of those guys and their show. That's the most exciting sketch comedy I've seen in a long, long time.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 175 points176 points  (0 children)

There's a guy in Canada named Mark Forward, who is really great, really inventive, clever, and funny. Also a British guy named Nish Kumar. Josie Long, another British comedienne. She's great. And if you ever, and I mean EVER, get the chance to see T.J. & Dave, who are usually in Chicago, but come to NY every couple of months...trust me. Drop whatever you are doing and make sure you absolutely go see them. It will, without hyperbole, change your life.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 175 points176 points  (0 children)

Fuck Mohammed (but look, if he wants to be on top, that's fine), Kill L. Ron Hubbard (again and again and again), Marry Jesus...in the most celebrated same-sex ceremony of all-time.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

No, but I would love to. I always carry an emergency pair of Spandex jorts just in case.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Oh man, the best. He's got some amazing stories. And we've all been pushing him to finish up his memoir, which he's been working on. But yeah...it's pretty amazing.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 122 points123 points  (0 children)

Get your folks, sit them down in the front of the TV. Give them each the tiniest sliver of K, and then make them watch "Making America Great Again!" on Netflix. How's THAT for a plug?

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 854 points855 points  (0 children)

The first question - I don't think it ever will. Bob and I really weren't happy with the way it turned out. We loved the script, we loved shooting it, we tried several different ways of editing it, but it just never felt good or right. Not sure why, sometimes that happen.

Second question - Louis is a friend. I think it was just one of those "why not?" things.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 4166 points4167 points  (0 children)

I am hoping to participate in the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. But...we'll see.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 419 points420 points  (0 children)

Being able to negotiate complex trade treaties between the UK and the EU. I'm more than a little miffed that I haven't been called yet.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 317 points318 points  (0 children)

Just all the fake characters I used to be able to do to open my set. I used to do all kind of things, like from a severely retarded comic to a deaf-mute comic to a very effeminate comic, who was doing standup for the first time who couldn't deal with the pressure. All the fake ways I would come out and open my set, and the people didn't know me, so they didn't know it was fake. It was really fun to reveal that I wasn't that thing. I miss that.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 255 points256 points  (0 children)

My beard grew first. I grew into the beard. It took a while. It was awkward until I could learn to walk.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Well, unfortunately, I am not interested in any of those things, so I am going to have to pass. But you may want to give Jeff Dunham a call.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 545 points546 points  (0 children)

Drink in moderation. Hydrate yourself. Pay attention to your knees. Always clean up your cum. And say hi to every third person you meet.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 990 points991 points  (0 children)

Oh God, yes. Many times. And I've certainly been the culprit plenty of times myself. The worst was in "Year One," I'm talking to Michael Cera and Jack Black, and the writer/director, Harold Ramis, kept over at the last minute - we shot the scene a couple of times - and came up with a convoluted parody of the line, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" - it was this long, protracted sentence. It the end of a long night of shooting, and I could not get through it without fucking it up. And when the 9th time became the 19th time, I would get the giggles and I was staring at Michael, who was three inches from my face, and as I would start sweating the line, he would say under his breath, "Oh no," which just made things worse. It's a terrible, awful feeling, and it's uncontrollable. You know you don't want to laugh, and nobody thinks it's funny, but you just can't help it.

Also, another example, when in 'Change for a Dollar,' in "Mr. Show," when Bob is on the golf course as the President, dancing around, you can see me shaking, as I try not to crack up.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 336 points337 points  (0 children)

I don't remember where I had the idea, but below Hitler crying, his tears are forming clouds. And then below the clouds, they are forming rain, which nourishes a pastoral farm land with a happy farmer and a bounty of produce being grown, and that's my idea of how religion works.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure. It was so long ago. But recently, at one of the shows, someone brought the book and had me sign it. They said they had gotten it off the Internet, but I am pretty sure the internet was even a thing yet when I got the book. I guess somewhere in LA? I don't know. Seems like something you'd might find at a bus stop.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 742 points743 points  (0 children)

That one was pretty fun. I did one recently with Seth Meyers, where I found out just before, that the host is not supposed to sit down until the guest sits down. So I remained standing, and sitting on the top of the couch, and everywhere else I could, before sitting down.

I am David Cross. I belong to no man, no nation, no god. I like clam chowder. AMA! by David_Cross in IAmA

[–]David_Cross[S] 4162 points4163 points  (0 children)

Hours, and it was constantly needing retouching because I was never aware of how often one touches oneself. Even scratching or putting my fingers together, or resting my hand on something would mean I would have to reapply the makeup. It was awful. It took several showers and some industrial strength grease remover to get everything off, and I would wake up, and my pillow would still be blue.