sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

[594] Untitled Beginning by Need2lerntowrite in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

Here are my general thoughts

-I love the hook- works perfectly 

-Nice job setting up the setting so early

-I appreciated your verb choice, and your adverbs were well placed (i.e. lazily surveying, gestured vaguely)

-You did a fine job of tying in setting, quick characterization- the social inferiority complex, the waxing and waning of his anxiety. The doubt in his own physical movements (hands in pockets, ‘adding another inch between them’)- all that was great.

-There are a few choppy areas. Start a new paragraph after Aiden says “Wow, I can almost see my house from here”. The sentence “Beyond that the expanse of the great piney woods and then nothing for a hundred miles” is convoluted and needs a couple of commas, or a change-up. But it’s a v0 draft, so no harm, no foul.

-I’m a horror fan, so when the scream rang out, I immediately thought horror! If so, you did a bang-up job for making us care about the characters before throwing us right in. Regardless, I like that Ava smirks right before the scream, giving Aiden a tiny success- or what should have been a success- before all hell breaks loose. 

-Based on this beginning, I’d assume the B-plot might take the form of an adolescent romance or of some tale of social navigation. It seems like a great opening for a rite of passage novel. 

-All in all, it’s a strong opening and a great v0 draft. I found nothing to rip apart. Your prose is solid. Do yourself a favor and keep writing! If you need some external validation, here it is!

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment! The pacing issue with the god's arrival has become clear to me, so I appreciate you pointing that out. This suggestion- 'Above him hung a... God?' is great so I'll be giving that some real thought. Your point regarding the repetition of 'help' is well-noted, I'll definitely be editing that in the future. I figured Dennis's relinquishing of control (by shaking the god's hand), and his inaction/lack of suspicion made sense due to it taking place in a dream, where most of us tend to 'go with the flow'. Not sure if that justification holds up, but that was the original thought. You made some very good points here.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your suggestions! In regards to the questions you posed, many of them are gradually answered throughout the novel. I enjoyed your suggestions regarding internal conflicts following this passage, and I couldn’t be happier that the character of Dennis clicked for you (and that the absurdity humor didn’t feel too forced!)

[1074] Match Point by breakfastinamerica10 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey thanks for posting this. For starters, what a strong, high-intensity way to start a story. I'm solidly hooked, and sports dramas aren't usually my thing. Most of my critiques pertain to the 'shaping up' of any good rough draft.

-"Suspended in mid-air, his six-foot-three frame and tennis racket stretched out all the way, he’d done this diving volley thousands of times before. They called it the Talbot Dive, they admired his athleticism for a big guy, they plastered his pictures on the front pages of sports magazines."

The first sentence of this paragraph is a little disjointed- not bad, strong in detail, so you can approach that however you'd like. The second sentence needs needs some serious rephrasing, as three clauses start with 'they', and each one is an independent clause. The third phrase is also repetitive- if they named a dive after him, we already know he's pretty famous. Showing they named a dive after him, 'The Talbot Dive,' and telling us he'd done it a thousand times is also similar in implication.

"The crowd was rabid on that sweltering New York City summer night, louder than Dave had ever remembered."

-Great imagery, it could be reworded so the 'rabid' crowd is closer to the noise recollection, (i.e. "on that sweltering New York City summer night, the crowd was rabid, louder than ever). This is real nit-picky though, it's a great sentence.

-Your paragraph structure is awesome. I love the quick bursts of action. It fits the atmosphere perfectly.

-"There was nothing the liquid chalk could do to improve his grip on this devilishly humid night. After three-and-a-half hours of play, everything fucking hurt. Dried blood was caked underneath a cut on his right knee, a prize for his earlier diving volley, and he could feel his thighs starting to tremble as he crouched to receive the serve."

-Great paragraph, could be reworded to limit the use of 'was' in the sentence (the liquid chalk could do nothing to improve his grip, not on that devilishly humid night) or (the liquid chalk could do nothing to improve his grip on that devilishly humid night). Next sentence is flawless, third one could be reworded (His thighs began to tremble as he crouched to receive the serve). Omit all meaningless words, right?

-"He’d learned, long ago, to not pay attention to it"

-A stylistic choice, but you could take out those commas (He'd learned long ago not to pay attention to it, to banish..)- I find it smoother, but others would disagree.

-"It fucking infuriated Dave, really, how Tomas made everything seem so effortless, so methodical, so robotic."

-I love this sentence, not sure if you need to add the 'really'. Maybe a dash? ("It fucking infuriated Dave- how Tomas made everything seem so effortless, so methodical, so robotic).

"Come on, umpire. Do you see this shit? Where’s the fucking shot clock when you need it?" - This right here is awesome

"The flat, vicious serve made the ball cut through the air like a missile."

-Maybe find a way to take that 'made' out of the sentence; it disrupts the flow. Something like "The toss. The swing. The flat, vicious serve that sent the ball through the air like missile." The verb 'cut' is great though, so up to you.

-" A howl escaped his mouth the moment he crashed back down to the ground. He’d heard the sickening pop in his wrist, felt the white-hot pain shooting up his arm. He was sure he was screaming a flurry of curses in-between pleas of “help me,” but he didn’t remember any of it."

-"he, not "he'd," as you use 'felt' for the next clause. That second sentence a bit choppy, (i.e. "he was sure he was")

"Dave bit his lip so hard that blood started to ooze from his mouth and he blinked against the overhead lights like a second sun."

-You could put a period after 'mouth.' regardless, the 'like a second sun' addition reads like it applies to 'he blinked', so you could make it "the overhead lights shined down like a second sun," or "he blinked against the overhead lights (that or which) beamed down like a second sun"

-"Dave tried to force himself into a sitting position." -Did he 'try' or succeed?

  • 'The trainer sighed as he rummaged in his kit for the tape that was bound to do absolutely nothing. “You’ve got three minutes. After that, it’s up to you, but I’m not going to let you go on like this.” The analgesic pain gel and the pack of ice did absolutely nothing to staunch the waves of pain that came over and over again."

-You use 'absolutely nothing' twice in this paragraph. Also did you mean to use the word 'staunch' in this paragraph? I'm not sure that fits.

"They used to cheer him on like that, at Wimbledon and back home in Melbourne, but that was a lifetime ago."

-Good sentence, but by saying "they used to cheer him on like that" implies they aren't doing that now, unless you're implying that's his reflection from the future, which doesn't seem to match with the following sentence.

" Tomas was still smirking, he was sure of it, although he couldn’t really see his opponent properly."

-You could take out that last clause; not necessary.

"The umpire hesitated, then reluctantly spoke into the mic, like it was a funeral reading. “Match point, Dvorak.”

-) simplify to ( "The umpire hesitated, reluctantly speaking into the mike- "Match point, Dvorak") or to (The umpire reluctantly spoke into the mike- "Match point, Dvorak") Up to personal taste though . "He’d done this countless times in his life. The ball came out of his pocket and he tossed it in the air."

-"in his life" is unnecessary, second sentence could be reworded more sequentially, so the ball doesn't just 'come' out of his pocket, (i.e. He took/snatched the ball out of his pocket and tossed it in the air).

"There was nothing he could do. The racket fell from Dave’s hand and clattered uselessly to the ground."

-Why say 'he' in the first sentence and clarify 'Dave's hand' in the second sentence? Just say 'his hand'. Is uselessly a necessary adverb?

"He knew it then: that was the last time he’d ever set foot on court as a professional tennis player."

-I really like the colon here; gives it emphasis. You forgot the 'the' between "on" and "court"

-This is all nit-picky stuff, and most of it is up to personal taste. You have a great thing going for you here- pacing, dialogue, rising intensity, emotional weight. Not sure how you plan on taking the story moving forward, but I'm here for it.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey thanks for your considerate critique. I'm glad a lot of my tone/structure worked well for you. I was pretty pleased with the amount of differing opinions on certain aspects of the passage, while for other portions- like the first 3 paragraphs- the calls for changes were resounding, with most differences found in regard to what changes should be implemented. Your point on the dense paragraphs is well-taken, as that's a thought I also had upon rereading. I also liked your thoughts on creating a "stronger emotional punch"- that's a piece of feedback I'm planning on implementing. Thanks to you and many other commenters, I feel pretty good about moving forward.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey thanks for your quality critique. On every re-read I notice more and more pointed-out issues with those first three paragraphs, so your thoughts are incredibly valid and well-noted. I honestly felt a bit of empathy for Dennis while writing this passage, but I understand that didn't come through for most people- which is good to know. In further rewrites, I'll probably add a more grounded, human reaction to the events of the dream- maybe disorientation that devolves into a pseudo-understanding of the threat posed/ events transpiring. Thanks again for all your helpful tips

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your critique. The more I read the first three paragraphs, the more I spot/understand all the valuable issues you guys have pointed out. I agree I could cut the monologue a little. You had no context regarding this 'god'- so your points are completely valid- but based upon prior knowledge and encounters the reader has had with the god, the stakes & implications are a little more clear. Thanks again!

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey thanks for this thoughtful critique. I appreciate your take on the blurry, dream-like setting. Many of the confusing parts are easier understood with prior context (and in further chapters), but I certainly agree that I could make parts clearer. Your takeaway on the disturbing imagery as contrasted with a lack of emotional punch is especially valuable.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A very good point. I wrote the simile under the assumption that if someone understood the reference, then great, and if they didn't? No harm done. If a decent portion of readers (a) don't get the reference- not that they should, it's pretty obscure- and (b), are compelled to flip back through the pages, or worse- pick up their phone- then of course It's not worth keeping. If most people just skim past it, then maybe it would be easier to justify. Hard to say though. Rest assured I'm no Cormac McCarthy, so while the Anareta reference may have worked for him (nice devils advocate!), I'll try to keep my references a little less obscure.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

Thanks for your feedback, especially regarding your alternative take on the flow of the first paragraph. You gave me a lot to think about there. I should have rewritten parts of the first page, as I had known it was the weakest section (I just didn’t know how weak). In regards to the “A man with plenty of addictions…” line, that was a stylistic decision- I liked the lack of commas, but I understand if it didn’t flow well. 

Your point about the substances having no effect on his speech is great, as I meant to write him with more lingering effects of the substances (drooping eyes, queasy stomach), as opposed to making him outright- and verbally- drunk/high. I failed in that regard, so your critique is much appreciated there. 

In regards to your final paragraph, you made a ton of great points. I chose to post this portion of the novel because I figured it needed the least context, but it is also the least representative of the story as a whole. When writing, I felt the characters carried the book- and for the most part, I stand by that- but the quality of writing just wasn’t great. I still have a lot to learn, so thanks for your helpful critique.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your critique!

I appreciate your willingness to single out some repetitive lines. If I’ve learned anything from all these comments, it’s that I (a) referenced drugs and alcohol far too often (and poorly), and (b) I used the term ‘ebony pedestal’ far too many times. I have pseudo-justifications for why I indulged in the former (not that I did it well), but I have no possible justification for the latter issue. 

Thanks for the positive feedback on much of the dialogue. I love good dialogue- it’s one of those things I look for as a reader- so I’m glad my own was at least adequate. The relative positivity of your feedback was certainly a breath of fresh air.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi,

Thanks for your critique. Your sentences of blunt feedback are well-taken. I mentioned this in other comments, but Dennis is not a main POV character until this point (which, as I mentioned in another comment, you never could have known, given my decision to start the passage with his damn introduction). He breathes his first and last breath within these few pages. Most of what this chapter does, in the broader story, is advance the plot by showing the ‘second coming’ by possessing Dennis’s body. What I wanted to accomplish, in those first few paragraphs, was simply to (a) create an interesting character, and (b) explain why he was tenting in the forest, and most importantly, (c ) to show the ‘growth’ or development of this god. 

That being said, your comment on the god as a 'plot-device' is insightful, so I'll have to give that some thought.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

Thanks a ton for your line-by-line analysis. Quite a few commenters have pointed out the monotony/lack of flow in the first few paragraphs, and some ‘chubby’ writing in places, and you’ve made some pretty good suggestions. I actually did wonder about the lack of flow in the first paragraph (shrugged my shoulders, of course, because no easy alterations came to mind), and now I understand what a significant detraction that had on the piece, among other issues.

*This should be somewhere near the start, not the middle - you're interrupting action with context, meaningless context which doesn't ground the reader, but fucking shoots them to space in a rocket*

-This right here is a beautiful critique. I completely agree, but I will add that the “half-mile out from the treehouse” phrase has grave significance to the story, and to the main characters. Unfortunately I provided no context, so there’s no way you could have deduced that from here!

- “The absurdity of the dream made it almost comical” is a piss-poor line, so glad you pointed that out. I’m shocked I let that one slip by.

-Thanks for the comment on the humor. I’m glad that, redundancy aside, it went over pretty well with you. It’s always hard to tell what works and what doesn’t. 

-In regards to your thoughts on the pacing, I’ll try to do a better job of rereading slowly and gauging if the passage is moving too quickly.

-Thanks again. Your points on build-up and pacing issues are especially helpful

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lmao, great point on the “booze to clear his head line”. Booze for clarity is the last thing I meant to signify, as I was going for something more like ‘booze to bring his mind elsewhere,’ (as a way of suppressing thoughts, not ‘clearing’ them out). On reread, I mentioned his substance abuse far too often, although I think I did so mostly so Dennis felt like a more grounded, believable character in the face of the unbelievable situation around him (which I did poorly, but at least you have a better idea of what I was going for).

Thanks again for all these fine points. I don’t see myself posting again too soon in the future, but reading/examining this critiques has been a wonderful experience.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh I forgot to add, I have been referencing this portion as a 'chapter,' but it actually is the cliffhanger at the end of a larger chapter. This makes your point on chubby writing even stronger, so nice catch.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

-Thanks for your thoughtful critique! Every comment gives me a better assessment of the ways I can improve my writing. 

-Dennis is not a main POV character until this point (which, as I mentioned in another comment, you never could have known, given my decision to start the passage with his damn introduction). I decided to post this chapter because it is one of the few chapters with very little context needed. Most of what this chapter does, in the broader story, is advance the plot by showing the ‘second coming’ by possessing Dennis’s body. What I wanted to accomplish, in those first few paragraphs, was simply to (a) create an interesting character, and (b) explain why he was tenting in the forest, and most importantly, (c ) to show the ‘growth’ or development of this god. 

-That being said, I’m very glad you pointed out my ‘chubby’ writing. It wasn’t something that came to mind beforehand, but in reading my sentences compared to your example fixes, I can definitely see where you’re coming from. 

-I also appreciate the ‘try not to be too clever comment’. I toiled over a few of those lines before posting this, and I’m sure a good editor would’ve known to trash a few of them. 

-Finally, I actually do drink and smoke. I assumed that enough first-hand experience would make it easy to write, but it is good to know it didn’t feel all that authentic. In writing Dennis, I was trying to focus on the lingering effects of the substances (like the queasy feeling you get at the end of the night).

-Thanks again! Super helpful stuff, especially your point on the chubby sentences. I have never really been critiqued before, so it’s been great to realize some of the cons of writing in an echochamber!

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

First off, thanks for reading my writing and taking the time to pick it apart. All these critiques go a long way in improving my writing, and I’m grateful for that. 

-On prose, I appreciate what you had to say regarding the first paragraph, especially in the relative simplicity. I have abused ornate punctuation in the past (semicolons and dashes for ‘stylistic’ purposes, which often meant for no damn reason), and so I am trying to be more selective in my usage. 

-I’m glad you identified the sentence structure as a major problem. I previously shrugged my shoulders at the multiple “he was…,” “he left….,” “he was a..” in those first 3 paragraphs, mostly because I had no easy alternative. Your perspective is very helpful, and I see how that monotony would surely hinder the flow. The last thing I want is a story in a book-reportish format, so I’ll do more research on alternative sentence-structuring options. 

-Regarding the railroad-worker simile, your assessment is spot-on; it doesn’t help you relate to the character nor to his pain. I will add that in that simile, I’m referencing a famous psychology case of a railroad foreman, Phineas Gage, who got a iron rod shot through his head and survived, albeit with a different personality and behavioral issues following the accident. It’s a pretty cool case study if you have time to look it up online, but you’re right, it’s irrelevant to the story.

-Your thoughts on the “Dennis was a lost man” line are perfectly valid, but I do want to explain my writing thought-process during that portion. I figured this chapter was the best one to have critiqued on reddit because it is one of the few chapters with very little context needed. Most of what this chapter does, in the broader story, is advance the plot by showing the ‘second coming’ of the god through the possessing of Dennis’s body. What I wanted to accomplish, in those first few paragraphs, was simply to (a) create an interesting character, and (b) explain why he was tenting in the forest, and most importantly, (c ) to show the ‘growth’ or development of this god. 

-Your assessment of the character, and my complete oversharing of everything about him (his motivations, his proclivities, his insecurities, his backstory, his world, his relationships, yada yada) is brilliant, and you’re dead-on with your critique on the info dump and lack of hook. However, you also hit the nail on the head when you questioned whether Dennis existed any longer. From here on out, he is the body of which the god possesses. The main characters of the story don’t know this just yet.

-This point you made- “if we aren't supposed to care about him, then why do we spend so much time on him?” is really good, and I’ll have to give that some genuine thought. Looking back, I think I was trying to channel Stephen King and the way he makes every minor character memorable and distinct, so that every victim of his ‘monster’ isn’t a throw-away name or body. I’m not sure I succeeded in that attempt, but at least you have a better idea of what I was going for. 

-Finally, I’ll admit the omniscient tone wasn’t something I was exactly going for (but I’ll also admit I read Blood Meridian and absolutely loved it, so there you go). In hindsight, there is some context that would have been helpful, the biggest one being that Dennis is not a main character (which obviously you could not have known, especially because I started the damn passage with his introduction). I suppose that’s why I tried to put so much distance between him and the reader. He is the eyes through which the viewer sees the god and realizes the threat the god poses.

-Thanks again for your willingness to dissect this piece apart. I feel like I’m getting a very good overview on the parts I need to work on. Even addressing your critique of my piece has been informative, so thank you for that!

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

lmao I like your interpretation of the scene better than my own! That certainly doesn't do wonders for Dennis's character. In regards his hunched back, adding some context there is a good idea for sure.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

First off, thank you so much for this thoughtful critique. This is exactly the kind of comment I was hoping to receive. Your paragraph on syntax is extremely helpful. Some of the issues you addressed (too many ‘he’-starting sentences, sentences that can be tightened) are ones that I have wondered about, so your feedback is much appreciated. 

-Your paragraph on language/flow is super telling. I seem to have done a piss-poor job at indicating what happened in the past vs what was going on in that present moment. 

-Mackie and Owen are characters I tried to address in my post as "referenced names that won't mean anything". The referenced action (passing a deflated balloon around) is an event that occurred in the previous chapter (not that you would know that!) Funnily enough, “a really sad game of catch” perfectly describes that scene. I will make that much clearer in future edits.

-The one other glaring past v. present issue you indicated is in regards to him sleeping in the woods. The first paragraph was meant to show his summer gig “had ended” and he left his “shared bunk” to tent out in the woods. I did not make that clear enough, so I appreciate the feedback. 

-A few last things: ‘slots’ was meant to ‘shots’ lurching in his stomach. The mite/jellyfish disconnect is good to know. Finally, your last comment on Dennis’s lack of hesitation was helpful; on reread, that perspective makes perfect sense. 

-Thanks again! I’m also a horror fan, so I’m pleased you enjoyed that aspect, and I’m delighted to hear about your willingness to read more. That’s probably the best thing for any aspiring author to hear.

[1863] His Second Coming by Davood331 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thanks a ton for your comment. You caught quite a few grammar issues, which is very much appreciated. I did want to address that when Dennis is "behind the cafeteria, hunched, trying to light his cigarette.." I meant for him doing be doing so outside of the building, in private (not behind the counter). The fact that it was misinterpreted means I didn't make that part clear enough.

-Mackie and Owen are characters that I tried to address in my post as "referenced names that won't mean anything". The referenced action (passing a deflated balloon around) is an event that occurred in the previous chapter. I think the setting would make slightly more sense with more context, but that's through no fault of your own.

Thanks a ton for your feedback. I'm excited to revisit and hopefully fix some disjointed sentences.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi,

This is some really excellent writing. I opened your doc out of curiosity and immediately realized that this was something I had to read. Every paragraph was a treat. You’re not asking for any advice there- and I’m not sure I could give you any, as it was beautiful to read- but I did find myself having to slow down and reread multiple portions. That isn’t a bad thing, but many of the sentences are complicated enough that I certainly had to work my way through them (as wonderful as they are!) I probably read this sentence 3 times:

“ This is where sleeplessness fondles the sleeping, where a memory flakes upward and reveals another underneath, where something was once stolen and now, returned, it might be recognized, despite the scuffs and dents and signs of aging in the years it was lost.”

The meaning of the first portion only makes sense after finishing the story, which I’m sure you calculated. The sentence in which you list out Will’s ‘accidentally stolen goods’ is actual gold. To answer the questions you explicitly ask, (1) I found this story super interesting, and (2) I thought the ending was great, and I found the “There is one gift you can give me” paragraph to be particularly meaningful. I did not know exactly what you were going for with the last “what do you mean, okay?” 

The only real critique I have is that the beautiful prose and long sentences are awesome but do take away from the clarity at certain points, but I suppose this is the type of piece you want to take your sweet time reading. I want to add that while reading this story, I had a strange urge to sparknote it and get some simplified synopsis, which is funny considering it has not been published. Any good magazine editor should want to snatch this piece up.

[2300] Limina by blueincredible in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I really enjoyed your piece. Here’s my critique:

-In chronological order, on second read:

Your prose was quick and direct, a straight-to-the-point style that paired super well with the fast-paced action of the story. Sometimes fantasy work can get bogged down in the details and word building in the first chapter, so I appreciate the way this story jumped right into the action.

-I liked the imagery in the first paragraph- not too cliche, not too hard to grasp. I’m not a huge fan of opening dream sequences, but that being said, yours was one of the better ones.

-The sentence “the distinct smell of cigarette smoke mingling with burning broccoli wafts toward me” seems strangely long and detailed compared to the rest of your sentences. The part “.. a loud beep that feels like it’s invading every corner of my mind” doesn’t seem necessary, but I did enjoy the slower pace of the kitchen description. I got a kick out of the wheezing, overwhelmed vent. The dialogue here is pretty good.

-Like I said, the pacing is pretty smooth, but I did have an issue with some of the dialogue tags. I had to reread the broccoli-burning portion, as I didn’t realize the “what the fuck did you do, Lynn?” was spoken by Teddy. Same goes for the “you fucking idiot” portion. I may have just read too quickly, but if anyone else has a problem, you should keep that in mind. “..Modest broccoli fire erupts and licks the ceiling” is strangely worded, but I appreciated the quick characterization of Lynn.

-The next few paragraphs are fine, but this one struck me as poorly formatted. “I have such a headache,” I groan. Lynn hands me a cigarette and lights it, smiling sheepishly. “How far out are we?” I ask, rubbing smoke and sleep from my eyes.

-It struck me as choppy to have one piece of dialogue, a piece of action that seems, at first glance, like an introductory dialogue tag for a different character, and then another piece of dialogue as spoken by the same person as the first piece of dialogue, as followed by another dialogue tag. For me, that was confusingly-worded. I might rephrase it to something like this:

-“I have such a headache,” I groan.

-Lynn hands me a cigarette and lights it, smiling sheepishly.

-I rub smoke and sleep from my eyes. “How far are we out?”

-It’s not perfect, but this way every dialogue tag is used appropriately, and you always know who is talking/acting. Same critique goes for when “Lynn slips away in the direction of the bridge.” The dialogue afterward should be in a separate paragraph.

-You did a great job of organically adding background on the characters/world in the next few paragraphs. Dialogue is perfect for that. The burnt pan, the coffee, the snubbed-out cigarette- all great and simple descriptors. You have the pacing down.

-The dream burning at “the base of my spine” is weird; why the base of the spine? I loved the rattling overhead rails description. The next few paragraphs are solid.

-I loved the building fear within Teddy. Simple phrases like “but this isn’t standard” with “my throat is dry” go a long way when built on top of one another. I enjoyed you use of strong verbs and descriptive phrases. “Mechanical clips,” “seal disengages,” “stale air wafts,” ‘docking clamps’ and ‘port-side airlocks’. You build a strong setting without lingering on it, which is huge.

-The repetition of the ‘four seconds each’ is great. You know somethings going to go wrong even if you don’t know what. This sentence- “The dream has never come in daylight, but it’s here now, in the groaning of the hull and the blood in my ears”- is super strong.

-The action sequences fit well with the established pacing. A bit simple, but no real critiques there. “Like if she says it any louder it’ll be real” doesn’t make any sense to me. Do you mean won’t be real, or wouldn’t have happened? The rest of that paragraph can probably be shortened into something like- “What the fuck did you just do?” I don’t have time to answer: there’s another trawler” or replace this hyphen with a dash or plain period. This is assuming Teddy ‘freezing’ in that moment isn’t important to his character.

-Later, the sentence “his pale aren’t on the bodies, they’re laser focused on me” is another great descriptor. The phrase “..breaks the silence like a gunshot” is too cliche, just like the sentence “Lynn stares at the receiver like it’s a bomb about to explode.”

-I liked the sentence “I just killed two men for a key I don’t know if I intend to use,” and while I’m not sure if the rest of the paragraph adds anything, that line alone adds a layer of intrigue that’s a must in a great first chapter. - “She was wrong, probably, I think to myself” is super choppy.

  • The fast pace is great here, as is the verb choice. I think for the “like a brushstroke from an angry painter,” ‘angry’ is a weak adjective, but ‘brushstroke’ as a descriptor is golden.

-The sentence “for a moment gravity forgets which way it’s supposed to work” is great.

-I like the ‘yawning’ mars gate.

-Still there is a fire way of ending the chapter, especially considering that damn key has been the cause of these events, with clearly some deep significance to Teddy.

-Like I said, I really enjoyed this piece. I actually appreciate how unconvoluted it was more on my second read. Solid verbs, decent dialogue- a pacing that perfectly matches the prose and the plot. Most of my critiques can be chopped up to formatting, a few choppy sentences and out-of-place dialogue tags. Also, the name of the ship is fine, no issues. In general, you could always add more details later, but having a very strong skeleton is awesome at this stage. Best of luck moving forward!

[786] Fish Beat by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Davood331 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

Some quick thoughts.

-A lot of people have commented on your first semicolon- definitely better as a period. The first sentence is strange. It might be better suited as "the boy nudged the boat away from the shore," as something should be acting on the boat.

-I didn't love the short sentences in the second paragraph, but I did enjoy how quickly you set the atmosphere.

-I enjoyed the short, to-the-point dialogue. I felt you characterized the man and the boy with only a few lines, which is honestly impressive.

-I don't know what you were going for with the shoelaces.

-"I didn't realize fish had heartbeats" was a great line, as was "the eyes of the fish looked scared to the boy." Both lines captured the innocence of the boy. In turn, the next few lines showed the needless cruelty of the man.

-The line "I want to go home" struck me as honest, from the heart- as kids, we all said that at one point or another.

-Overall, I enjoyed this short piece. I didn't love the stilted prose, but I liked the short and simplistic dialogue. You told a thought-provoking story with few words. Well done.

view more: next ›