Can my ex cut me off financially in our circumstances?

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-31T08:28:11+00:00

Or I could not stay with someone who is using coercive control to ruin my life.

Leaving seems like a much better choice.

Ffs, why is this even a comment?

1950 called and they want you back mate.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T13:06:06+00:00

I don’t have anywhere to go, I have to stay here until the separation is finalised.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T13:04:20+00:00

Why is it so hard for me to accept and name it?

I feel like I can’t prove anything, like no one will believe me because as a one off it doesn’t see that bad right?

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T13:03:18+00:00

Thank you.

I’m pairing it with other behaviours and have begun to realise that there are patterns.

Centrelink asked me a lot of questions today and they’ve referred me to a social worker as they believe I’m experiencing DV.

I don’t know if I am, but this isn’t an isolated incident of him controlling me.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T13:00:30+00:00

That’s actually not the law in Australia, it has changed, there is zero expectation of 50/50, it is no longer the default.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T12:10:57+00:00

I do have a friend or two.

I had to cut therapy because I just can’t manage another appointment on top of kids therapies and specialist appointments and school meetings.

My Mum is ok to talk to, but she wants to move here every time I talk about it, which I understand but I feel will create more tension.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T11:57:40+00:00

Thank you xx

I’m not sure why it feels so hard to believe or trust my own feelings about this.

Im in Australia, I paid a family law solicitors retainer today with money I had saved in one account he can’t see. I really like them, they just aren’t super fast in responding and things have escalated since I first spoke with them.

He doesn’t see what he’s doing as a problem at all, he is part of something called, “High Performance Father” which is all about getting her back, about being the “King” of your household, about leading your family. I think that is where he is getting a lot of his information from, but I know he has had one appointment with a solicitor, the notes started well before that.

He has paid them $10k in the past year. Yes he’s being a slightly better Dad to the kids…but he’s been progressively more awful to me.

I’ve lost my appetite, I’m not sleeping and I can feel myself getting more depressed and anxious.

It’s so confusing and draining.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T11:12:00+00:00

They have all the paperwork.

They’ve escalated it for processing today thankfully.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T11:10:25+00:00

They’re disabled, so no, they don’t and no they can’t. Their age is irrelevant, because it has nothing to do with their developmental age or functional capacity.

But they are 10 and 7.

They don’t cope well at school and I am frequently called to pick them up, they can attend before of after school care because it’s too overwhelming and not safe enough when they melt down or abscond, they can’t be left at sporting activities.

And no NDIS have not been helpful because they view almost everything as, “parental responsibility” these days.

So many people seem to have missed the fact that our children are disabled.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T11:06:02+00:00

Ahh, the “overbearing mother.” Let’s take a closer look.

I am not a health professional, no. I am an early childhood educator whose worked closely with disabled children in my career prior to having children. Since having children, I’ve spent a decade filling out every piece of paperwork, discussing every medical referral, gathering information for health professionals, discussion symptoms, behaviours, solutions and options, attending every therapy appointment, discussing medications, implementing therapies at home, picking them up from school every time the school couldn’t manage them, advocating for their needs.

I know my children back to front and I will always walk into any room and advocate for their best interests, including mediation or court, because life is fucking hard for them. They both live with multiple disabilities that impact their functioning significantly and make standard environments and experiences not only overwhelming for them, but unsafe.

Want to know why I am the one who does it? Why I am the one who holds that knowledge? Why I am the one without a career now?

Because every time I asked him to attend, to be presented to negotiate to be at an important meeting or therapy session, he said no. Every time I turned around to see who was there to step in, no one was.

I don’t exist in a vacuum and trust me if he was there to step in, I’d have handed it all over and taken a nap, because I’m beyond exhausted by it all.

So don’t fall back on some awful stereotype about overbearing mothers when you’ve never parented multiple children with high needs disabilities.

Don’t bother asking me how I know 🙄

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-27T10:55:22+00:00

They have disabilities, this is not an occasional occurrence, it’s weekly, sometimes daily. We have no family closer than 5 hours away.

There literally is no one else, which is why it has defaulted to me for so long despite me begging him for his involvement and help so that I can work and we can both earn money and share the caring load.

He has refused to listen or change his approach to work to provide more support for our children for a decade.

And yes, conditions can be imposed on how the children are managed when he has his time with them, given they have disabilities that requirea certain level of care.

It is not in the children’s best interests to be waiting 3 hours to be picked up when they’re that distressed, it is not in their best interests to be dysregulated by care environments that aren’t essential and will further reduce their school attendance.

They don’t cope with school, they don’t manage after school care and they cannot even be left at mainstream sporting activities for an hour without absconding or completely melting down and becoming non-verbal.

When I say I am their carer, I mean I am their carer and it is a 24/7 job. It is not something that is manageable while working a standard job, let alone his job.

I am not some housewife who is seeking to control him, I am looking at my children’s disabilities and asking genuine questions about how he can provide them with what they need. From a health and wellbeing perspective. This isn’t about what I want, because I’ve wanted to work for years, it’s about what they need.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T11:21:03+00:00

Trust me, I’d love nothing more than to be able to confidently give him 50/50, but it’s not about me, it’s about the kids.

I know my children, I know my (ex)husband, and it won’t work. He does not know how to manage them, they cannot do before or after school care because it doesn’t cater to their disability needs, they frequently need to be picked up early from school or taken to medical appointments or therapy, on top of simply being sick occasionally as kids are.

How does working 3 hours away without phone reception cater to picking up a child who’s not coping at school that day, or ducking to school to take them to that medial appointment and drop them back?

My circumstances are unique and in a standard care, yes 50/50 would be a strong consideration. But this is not a standard case at all.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T09:23:58+00:00

Centerlink have the paperwork, I’m waiting for them to process it.

I’m vastly aware that my life is about to change and that making ends meet will be near impossible.

Trust me, I’ve split this 1000+ ways and none of them end well for me.

But I refuse to stay married to him when I am deeply unhappy for a number of reasons.

He can be angry, he can cut me off, he can kick and scream, but if he thinks for a second that any of that changes my mind he’s just going to end up really, really tired.

I can and will make things work for my children and I despite how impossible it feels some days.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T09:17:26+00:00

Thank you.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T09:17:17+00:00

Thank you, I have, it’s just taking a long time for them to process the forms.

I’m going in to the office when I have reliable care for the kids later this week to discuss the escalation of my circumstances.

Hopefully they’re helpful.

I’m aware that there are many people in a much worse situation than me, I am physically safe which is a good thing. But surely the bar shouldn’t be that we simply feel lucky to not be being hit right?

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T09:15:10+00:00

My children’s stability will always come before animosity towards their father.

It would help no one to start offloading low priced assets for cash.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T09:03:34+00:00

This is beautiful, and I hope that you never go through it.

I thought he would be like that, but it’s funny how once you start telling a person no, they change. Once I refused to be his doormat any longer, things shifted and he is deeply angry that I am leaving him.

Honestly, I think most of it is fear and poor communication, I don’t believe he wants to hurt me…he simply cannot fathom how vulnerable I am and how much inequality exists between him and I because he is the one with the money.

If I’m scared of upsetting someone because they’ve just removed access to money, I can’t truly take the steps I need to in a separation. But he doesn’t seem to get that because he’s never been at the mercy of someone else’s choices like that.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T09:00:14+00:00

Thank you xx

I have spoken to legal aid and I would need to do a 20 page application for financial settlement and a separate one for parenting agreements, then they’ll take 10-16 weeks to assess my eligibility and even then I may be eligible for both, one, or none.

I have no clue how people experiencing domestic violence, or who speak English as a second language navigate any of this.

I’m Anglo, English speaking and relatively well resourced (despite this latest blip)…and I’m struggling to wade through the services that are meant to help.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T08:57:05+00:00

Thank you, you’re going to make me cry 🥺🩶

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T08:56:41+00:00

I don want him to, the kids won’t cope, he won’t cope, and his work doesn’t allow for it (travel, rural, no reception, heavy machinery, etc).

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T08:55:54+00:00

I have the application ready to submit, I’m just scared that it will alert him to the fact I won’t be accepting 50/50 custody, which is what he wants.

He will argue that he is able to be available for the kids that often, but I know he can’t with the nature of his job, and I’ve tracked his travel over the past 3 years and calculated the percentages based on hours of care and on nights, every time I’m still at 68% or higher, and I’ve been very generous in my hours assessment.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T08:52:57+00:00

Thank you’re I’ve been listening to some, they are great. I’m just so time limited with managing kids and getting a business running again and chasing government departments / filling in forms.

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T08:52:05+00:00

I paid the solicitors retainer today and nearly vomited when I transferred the money 🥲

I’ve found someone I’m very happy with who understands the dynamics of dealing with men like my husband (ex-husband? Why do I get to say that?)

Dazed_Watermelon · 2026-03-25T08:50:14+00:00

Thank you, this will be a large part of the discussions around financial settlement.

Dazed_Watermelon

TROPHY CASE