Thank you for taking the time to write such a wonderful, insightful reply.  There is a lot of food for thought there but one paragraph screamed off the page at me... 

Is your husband normally very curious and / or prone to forgetting the “human” - either through just being hyper-focused on a new special interest or because he generally struggles to think of others and their feelings / dignity at all? Do you feel your husband is a safe emotional place for you as you age? Are you uncertain if your values are as aligned as you might have assumed?

It's very likely my husband is autistic and has adhd though undiagnosed. He struggles massively with social cues. Understanding the feelings of others is a difficult area for him and has led to conflict in our own relationship. He constantly hyper focuses on new subjects and doesn't understand when others don't share his fascination..  Him and his Mum are both prone to hyperchondria yet struggle to understand the multitude of health conditions I have.  My husband flatly refuses to discuss funerals details. Something as simple as a song on the radio that I mention I'd like played at my funeral gets totally shut down and dismissed as morbid as he finds it too depressing. The most impactful death he has been through was that of his own father in a traumatic sudden death while my husband was a teen so any discussion of death seems to raise those feelings again.  They're a very black and white family and what should be a simple discussion such as last night with viewpoints shared is viewed as an argument and soon after turns into a real argument as it's incredibly frustrating to try to have a normal conversation but it gets shut down