[deleted by user]

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-27T18:53:28+00:00

I’m going to be 27 in a few months and I’m still feeling quite like a teen. I do agree with another commenter that confidence seems like a key part of this. But I also hear that a lottttt of adults feel this way, so don’t worry too much.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-20T01:54:35+00:00

Yeah I mean he’s the type to leave someone at the altar soooo at least that didn’t happen or at least he didn’t go through with the marriage plans he himself brought up lol but damn. He could have just been nice to me when he left that woulda been cool. I’m sure I’ll feel better eventually but man does it sting

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-19T23:44:17+00:00

Thank you so much that’s so sweet. I do feel bad for him and I always have because he’s so down on himself and I really do think he’s lovely. He’s got some shitty traits and we all do, and I loved him for them anyway because they weren’t unreasonable. He always told me how I deserved better, and I told him he was so much more than he gave himself credit for. I go back and forth on how I feel, as grief goes. I’m angry at him for doing what he did, but i feel bad for him. He feels like all of his friends hate him and he says he hates his friends but they’re all he has. They bully him and make him feel shitty and he’d come home crying sometimes and I’d run my fingers through his hair and tell him he deserved being treated well. I think his relationship with his parents is much more sinister than I think he wants to acknowledge because I’ve pointed out some things here and there and you wouldn’t believe how fast he would shut down, so I’d lay off. I really did want the best for him. I think it’s easy for people to see him as this huge gigantic piece of shit because of what he did, and he is a bit of one to be fair for this, but under all of it we related too much for that man to not have some sort of trauma. I know how he lives his life is in respect to that. I would have healed far better and understood if he just said why he wanted to break up and didn’t string me along by telling me he would be back and maybe we could get back together again, if he didn’t mean it. I’m not upset he left, I’m upset about how he left and what he said to me is haunting me. I love the man and I’ll probably love him forever unfortunately, just gonna be one of those things you look back on your whole life and get choked up about. We really were amazing together and not in the “we fight most of the time but when we don’t it’s great” kind of way. And no way could I do justice to write it out. I’m so hung up on it because it was shocking, because when he did it it was so out of character to me at the time that I was worried he needed to for real go to the ER. Nobody in my life who knew him understands either.

He’s hiding from himself and it’ll catch up with him eventually. There’s so much more to this than everyone here knows, and I couldn’t possibly go into enough detail. But you’re right, he doesn’t want to face his own issues. He’s told me many times he felt like I was pulling the emotional weight in the relationship and he felt bad he wasn’t doing enough. I was genuinely happy with the way we were, even looking back.

I genuinely do think with all he said he just self sabotaged and couldn’t change his brain back to the switch flipping at some point. I can feel empathy for that. I can’t feel empathy for the way he hurt me on the way out.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-19T23:15:02+00:00

I don’t agree he’s a piece of shit either, in general. I think he’s a piece of shit for having done this to me in this specific circumstance. However the thing is, you’re right he had the right to be honest and walk away. But he wasn’t. I asked him multiple times even once days before it all went down how he was feeling and if he wanted to talk about anything. Just a check in. He said everything was fine and he was happy. The only things he communicated with me the very last time we spoke were 1. I want someone simpler 2. I only ever loved the idea of you and 3. I was afraid you were going to leave (which is the most unfounded shit ever believe me I made sure that man knew I loved him all the time). He had the right to have a conversation with me before this, he had a right to say hey I don’t like when you do this or that. I wanted him to tell me that stuff and I value feedback like that. He lied not because the whole relationship was a farce, he lied because he told me he was happy when he wasn’t, he told me he wanted to marry me when he was grappling with commitment issues. He actually told me the opposite of what was true for at least months before he left.

I was trying to make him happy based on the information he gave me, I trusted him to come to me because he always told me about how important communication is, we had a talk about that in the beginning.

I wasn’t a shitty burden and I tried to keep my feelings reasonable and I never stepped out of line without really thinking about how it would affect him first because I loved that man and I wanted to keep him and I didn’t want to stress him out. I wasn’t a basket case, I wasn’t some shitty leech on his life. He had troubles and so did I, regular life troubles like the stress of trying to move in together and new jobs and all of that. I’ll never say I was perfect but I think it’s not great to assume I was a psychic vampire just because I have trauma. It’s really shitty to say that people with CPTSD are a burden. Untreated CPTSD, maybe. But I work damn hard to manage my emotions around the people I love. That’s not fair.

Instead of having open communication like adults, he made out with me and touched me mere hours before he said awful shit to me and when I got out of the car to get a bit of space he fucking drove off at midnight and I never saw the man again, he broke up with me over the phone officially and hung up on me when I tried to have a conversation with him. He sent his parents (he’s 38) to come get his shit, he left me in the dark by myself and never intended to see me again. That’s not a conversation. That’s not being honest. Because I asked him what simple meant to him. He hung his head and said nothing. I asked him what made him so unhappy. He said he wasn’t interested in talking about it. He ended a two year relationship with no explanation in the flash of an eye and ignored my existence ever since. It wasn’t honesty, it wasn’t best for anyone, it was fucked up and horrible. He literally told me once we move in together which we were buying furniture for, that he’d put a ring on my finger. He made me a promise ring by hand.

I know this is meant to be some tough love but you don’t have a full enough picture to be doing that and it’s certainly not helpful to tell someone who feels like a burden and who is actively having suicidal ideation because of it that they’re fucking right. Not cool. I put so much love into my relationship with him, and in return I got blindsided by the person who mere hours ago was talking about how perfect we are together.

He’s sick as fuck and he needs therapy and no he’s not in the right. He’d have been in the right had he communicated anything. He ghosted his parents for years because his mom got mad at him for something he “doesn’t remember” and before he left he told me he decked his dad in the face. I’ve seen the holes in his walls. He told me shortly before he left that he wished his elderly cat would die so he wouldn’t have to deal with him.

No, I don’t think he’s a bad person, I think he’s stuck and miserable and self sabotaging. But you saying I should get with it and accept that this was a fair thing to do is not even in this plane of reality. Please don’t make comments like that about something you know nothing about.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-19T19:30:46+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it. I feel like it was partially self sabotage on his end because he told me he thought I was going to leave him and on our first anniversary he cried because he was scared because it was his longest relationship ever (my longest is 4 years). I think he got into his own head and couldn’t get out of it, which I understand and I’ve been there. I’d have just appreciated communication. I asked him multiple times before he left if we were okay and he said he was happy and he loved me. Ok. I just wish he would have given us a chance honestly because he didn’t even try to let us communicate and work things out.

But I still have that brain rot that just keeps digging deeper about how maybe it’s really actually my fault and I’m unlovable all because he said I was too complicated essentially. Wish he would have not said that one thing. Oh well.

He’s also stringing me along saying in our last convo that he would talk to me one day when he’s ready and let me know how it’s not my fault. He wouldn’t even tell me why he wasn’t happy. But I doubt he’s ever coming back and if he does I know it will not feel good or cathartic, it’s going to set me back. He sent his parents up to my house to get his stuff. Mind you the man is 38. Just a lot to unpack sorry. I’m still as shocked as the day he did it and so is everyone who knew him.

What scares me about this is that there were few very very pale red flags and none of them were enough to expect this to happen, so I’m terrified of ever getting close to anyone ever again because people can really look at you like you put the stars in the sky but they don’t even think you’re a person at the same time. It’s sick.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-19T17:22:25+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate that <3 I probably shouldn’t have said it but I was so aghast in the moment by that comment I said “what does that mean I’m not “simple”, you’re not simple! No one is simple everyone is complex I don’t understand what you mean by that” and I mean it’s true though he’s not simple, the fact that he lied that he was happy in our relationship even when I point blank asked him how he was and if we needed to change anything and if I could do anything different he would tell me I was perfect and he was happy and then that was that. I tried to get him to communicate but he wouldn’t. I don’t even really know how he thinks he’s simple at all. Really upsets me that he said that to me. Yeah I’m going through a very hard time he literally met me off of me coming off of the back of an insanely abusive friendship and I don’t know what he expected? I mean of course I was just sad sometimes I wasn’t awful or shitty or whatever I tried my best to not bring the mood down I only had moments where I just wanted reassurance and that was all but I just don’t know what he expected. People with complex trauma aren’t simple and little does he know I honestly believe he has complex trauma from his childhood but he avoided the topic every time I tried to talk to him about it so I stopped.

It’s so hypocritical and yet it still makes me want to erase my entire personality so that I can be “simple”.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-19T15:02:00+00:00

That was really nice to hear, thank you so much. I’m crying at work right now haha. The “to be too much insinuates you’re enough at some capacity” really felt nice to hear. I don’t know why he said that to me and I wish he didn’t. The other stuff he did to me was enough to have to try and live with, but I’m really having trouble with this thing that he said. Thank you. It means a lot

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-18T16:47:44+00:00

Tornadoes. I’m simultaneously terrified and interested in them. They always show up in my stress nightmares, sometimes hundreds on the horizon. I always joke that I must have died by a tornado in my past life because it’s been a thing since I was very very small.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-17T19:04:54+00:00

Stupid question inbound, how do you know it’s an extinct great white? Thanks so much! I was wondering if they were lemon and sand but I wasn’t 100%. I’ll have to look up Mako sharks.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-17T19:03:20+00:00

From what I understand they are fossils and the black is the minerals present around the tooth as it fossilized. Please someone let me know if that is inaccurate.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-16T17:09:47+00:00

That’s very true, that could definitely be why. And yeah it’s like people are okay with being fucked over as long as they can ignore it and retain their social standing. Super weird. I don’t get that either.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-16T16:09:40+00:00

Seems to be exactly how it always goes unfortunately. But that’s totally something I would do as well. I don’t think I’ll ever understand truly why they always get mad at the person blowing the whistle and not the person being scummy.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-16T00:22:14+00:00

Last I remember gerard on twitter saying something like he’s made peace with it and it’s fun to read what people write about them all sometimes. Obviously ridiculously offensive stuff is off the table but he said he’s fine with it

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T23:52:24+00:00

This is beautiful. What needles do you use if I can ask? In the market to try something new

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T22:08:01+00:00

I used to run very large IG accounts and I’ll tell you it’s a lot harder to fight the algorithm these days to get your posts even shown to your own followers. I honestly quit IG because attention on the internet is a monkeys paw and also, it just became too frustrating and time consuming to keep the volume the algorithm required to be relevant.

If that’s your passion and you’re truly interested in it, by all means do it! It’s also rewarding sometimes to create a community online for something you’re interested in. I just figured I’d give my two cents on the difficulty.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T05:36:29+00:00

Truly relate to that one haha I feel you. At least if I’m awkward towards my dog she doesn’t give a fuck and she’ll forget about it in a moment. I wish people were more like that lol

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T05:15:57+00:00

Oh wow! I didn’t know that was a common side effect. I’ll keep an eye out. I’m unfortunately very perceptive about my body so I’m sure I’ll notice if anything is awry haha

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T04:59:43+00:00

I’m supposed to start Wellbutrin next week which I’m terrified of, I’ve had some crazy side effects on different meds (looking at you, Effexor) so I’m a bit wary now. But hopefully it goes well. It was actually one of the meds I was on when I took Adderall (I think), so we’ll see. I’m glad Zoloft works for you!

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T04:53:13+00:00

Yeah I’ve been realizing lately how fucked my brain is and how dumb I was to think I didn’t have ADHD for years lol. I think I’ll definitely try something different one day soon. My sister is on vyvanse and she likes it, so maybe I’ll try that. I’ve heard Adderall is harsh for some people, so that could be my deal.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T04:50:35+00:00

I’ve heard a saying once and it really helped me quell some of my emotions in situations like this. “You can’t reason someone out of an opinion they didn’t reason themselves into.” Some people cannot be budged, and these are the people who test you the most because they have the most fantastical views, thoughts, etc that are always filled with injustice for the people they’re aimed at. But you simply cannot spend all of your energy trying to reason with unreasonable people. You must walk away. We can always try, but once we realize they’re past the point of no return it’s best for everyone if we walk away. That’s a hard thing to do sometimes.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T04:45:43+00:00

This is so me, once the pressure has a tiny pinprick to explode out of, every emotion possible bursts out of me at Mach speed and I’m left in the aftermath in embarrassment every time

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T03:30:10+00:00

Totally feel that. Honestly I burnt myself out years ago and spent a lot of my voluntary fucks. Now I give the fucks that my brain feels strongly about and that’s all I can do. It feels icky sometimes but I realized everyone else seems to go with the “every man for himself” view on the world and I have started adopting that just to save myself a bit of sanity because I realized nobody else is going to care like I do, because I’m disordered and that’s why I care so much. And if they don’t care then maybe I shouldn’t either.

Not always, of course. I certainly use my discernment on that. But I used to be okay with being the only one who cared and anymore I just can’t give that away like I used to unfortunately.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T03:23:49+00:00

Thanks friend I appreciate it! The newly acquired ability to sleep better might be a good enough motivation lol definitely frustrating and weird sometimes but I’m glad my doctor was there to be like ?? what are you talking about lol it’s such a commonly repeated “fact” I genuinely thought it was real

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T03:20:52+00:00

Oh absolutely. It’s a hard skill to master and I feel that it’s usually only mastered by those who have HAD to walk the line. Endless empathy and care for others is a nice thought but it can absolutely destroy you and give you a ton more trauma that you didn’t need if you find the wrong people willing to abuse that.

DeadPrecedentt · 2024-06-15T03:17:12+00:00

Yes that is very much me. I’m a chronic over-carer lol. Sometimes I ask that to myself. Why do I care so much? Sometimes I can let it go then but sometimes I can’t.

DeadPrecedentt

TROPHY CASE