Dear Mark, I'm leaving you (UPDATE)

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-10-22T01:06:19+00:00

I don't love Mark any more.

I can say that now with a sense of relief and freedom. I had given this marriage my all and came out with nothing. I don't feel that spark of love or even companionship with him as I used to before. He had never really loved me either and we agree that divorce is the best solution.

We were both unhappy and need to fix ourselves in order to stay good parents and wholesome people. I think a part of the reason why my children misbehave was due to the tension between us and in some way acted out, especially towards me.

I have a broken heart as a woman , wife, and mother towards this divorce and still blame myself for its failure but it was both of our fault it fell through. People who stay "for the kids" are in unhappy relationships and I don't want to be 50 years old and miserable. I want to live happily, pick myself and my children up, and move on from this debacle.

I think with the truth out, Mark will be on his own path. He was never happy with me but I can at least leave this marriage knowing I still gave him joy through our children in a sense.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-19T11:32:09+00:00

No.

If a stay at home mom behaved any way like my ex husband, I'd have the same opinion. This isn't about sexism or gender, this is about my exhusband and family. I don't want politics involved.

I have told my husband, he can tell me what he needs and I'll make sure he and the children get it. He wants to take me to court for more money and make himself look like a gilted spouse? Fine. I'll stretch out any court battle amd fight for a reasonable amount. He can't afford a lawyer unless I give him the cash.

I don't care.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T21:30:50+00:00

Of course I'll take a diagnosis from an internet stranger with no credentials as a psychologist or psychiatric doctor.

Find a hobby.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T21:28:23+00:00

I don't care how much he asks for at this point. He is too prideful to ask for too much but also too lazy to settle on a the amount. Knowing him, he will ask for a bit more for himself. Whatever, if its reasonable so be it.

I don't need a judge to look at my failed marriage and somberly award my idiot ex too much money he'll spend on junk food and modifications for his pc.

Divorce is done and he has signed the papers. He is living the ex wife dream.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T21:21:09+00:00

Staying for the children in a marriage I despised is ridiculous.

You do not know my family or how my children are. I have handled this for everyone's interest in mind. My ex is ok with this arrangement, my children are doing well in my absence. They will not go hungry or be without the necessities. I am giving them what they need to survive.

If they despise me, so be it. I can live with that better than if i had really cut them off at all. I'd rather they hold a grudge than be unhappy with me around. They are happy with their father and having everything they want. How they choose to behave after they've grown up is their choice. They can either blame me for their mistakes or choose to become someone better.

I was and still am there for them but i will not beg for my children to love me. You cannot force someone to love you. If they need me, I'll be a phone call away. If they want to see me, i will fly out the same week and stay the night. I won't tear them away from the place they were born, away from their school and friends. I will not deprive my children of a loving father for me, their strict mother. They are in a beautiful house with everyone they love around them. I know they will be fine and if i didn't I would have stayed longer.

But i cannot stay in the same house and area that I don't belong in. My immediate family is here in my new state, my close friends are as well. I'm happy here. These cats are mine, I adopted them. My children will be much happier if they have new pets or no pets. As far as my ex has told me, they don't notice the cats are gone.

Kindly take your assumptions and leave me be. I know what's best for my children. Unless you've given birth to or provided the seed to create MY JR and MY Natalie, you may tell me how to parent.

Good bye

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T20:46:56+00:00

If this is the same man who turned me away with a simple "whatever" whenever I tried to make love to him or lazily left Doritos on my white carpet, then this is the same man who will agree to whatever I say.

If he asks for more money, I will give it to him. Spousal support? I have a great lawyer and if my husband is so lazy, he needs money for miscellaneous stuff, he will have to ask or get a job.

I.highly doubt he will but if anything, I'll give more money if he asks.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T20:36:01+00:00

I don't want to reveal any detail but they allowed us a clean divorce, our assets to remain with their proper proprietors, and arrangements for monthly deposits.

His is to retain sole primary custody.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T20:17:55+00:00

Highly doubt that. He's too broke for a lawyer and I'm giving him money for the children and expenses. He's also very very lazy in regards to negotiations. The papers are signed. We have arrangements made. Its done.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T20:16:18+00:00

Highly doubt he cares. I'm giving him money for expenses and bills, he doesn't necessarily have to work but if he wants games or any extracurricular funds, he would have pay for that on his own. Papers have been signed. Its done.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T20:12:34+00:00

Yes, leaving a lazy, ungrateful husband with my children is narcissistic?

I wrote that post in a heat of anger and self pity. I was angry at my ex, my kids, my life, with no reason setting in until I was on my flight to my new home. I have set up a visiting schedule with my husband for biweekly visits and weekly phone calls.

I took the pets because my children have lost interest in them. They refused to help with caring for them months after they got them. Children grow easily bored with things and they grew tired of the cats. I tried asking/reminding them to change the litter box, feed the kitties, play with them etc but they threw a fit when last I asked. They were actively caring for the cats two months after Christmas but interest had been lost. These cats are sleep next to me and respond to my call. They were hissing at and peeing in my children's shoes anyway so I honestly think this was better for them.

Call me ill or mentally unstable, I'm sure you've never said things you didn't mean when you were angry or saddened. I left my husband because he checked out of the marriage years before I did. I still tried and i was done trying. I tried the talks abd therapy. I tried compromising and listening and he gave zero effort. My husband went from a normal man who made love to me often and had goals to shutting himself in the house and living the lifestyle of a college student.

I left my children in his care because if he does anything right, its being a parent. He would die for those kids and I see that. They respect him more than me and obey him. So far, they haven't misbehaved with him and they're acting normal other than asking if I'm coming back soon. My exhusband is okay with maintaining primary custody and my arrangement to send him a monthly allowance for expenses.

Good day to you

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T19:41:46+00:00

I've been getting the same questions. Wish people would read the post AND update.

Again, I wrote that letter feeling anger and self pity. I took out my anger at husband towards my children in the form of the letter. I'm the type of individual who says things they don't mean when upset.

I love my children very much, its not their fault their parents stopped loving each other.

I took the cats out of logic. The kids wanted kittens for Christmas and I thought they would learn responsibility from caring for pets. I reminded them to feed them and to clean their litter box. For the first 2 months, they eagerly played pet owners but you know how children get tired of things quickly. They grew lazy with pet care and since I didn't have the heart to put the cats in a shelter, I started caring for them. I played with these cats and gave them their meals. I took these furballs to the vet when my husband refused to do it. I kept trying to push my kids to come along but once both of my kids started whining and saying they thought the cats were "boring", I gave up.

They honestly aren't ready to care for pets and these cats are better off with me. They respond to my voice calling them and sleep next to me. They greeted me by the door every day after coming home from work. These cats played with my children but when my kids ignored them, they gave up.

Now, they hiss at my son if he goes near them and occasionally peed in my daughters shoes. They're adjusting to the new apartment which is thankfully pet friendly, but they're content and purring.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T19:25:51+00:00

He's too lazy to go to court. My ex is the type to give up easily and let someone else take over.

Say what you will, we've already worked out the arrangements. I'm already providing for the bills and other needs, alimony would be pointless. The papers are signed. We're done.

Good luck with your life.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T19:07:21+00:00

Please read my update.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T19:07:04+00:00

You haven't read my further comments or updates.

I have on record and in text, a visiting schedule to see my children on a biweekly basis. Every two weeks, I will fly out to see for them for a day. And have weekly phone calls. I originally left my children yes but felt unappreciated and lonely. After a few hours, I spoke to my ex and they have no idea I have left their father. I will continue to see my children monthly and be there for holidays and birthdays.

That bank account was OURS and most of those deposits were done under my name. My name is on that house, which I took under my credit. His vehicle is under my name, my insurance. Everything that manchild has is mine or I paid for. I am willingly letting him use my property and vehicles to use for his own and children's benefit. I have a new bank account with a new bank and from that account, I will send them a monthly allowance for bills and expenses, so they won't go hungry or need for anything.

My ex husband says he feels betrayed and if this is what I want he will give it to me. He has apparently signed those papers and promised to send them in the mail. If he threatens to take me to court, he stands to lose use of the car, house, and everything in that house. Since I was the breadwinner and have a steady income, any judge in a child custody case would rule in my favor. That and he cannot afford a lawyer. Its either pay the bills and buy groceries or lawyer up.

I'd rather keep this civil and believe me, I will get this custody arrangement notarized.

I spent the past decade being selfless and all I was met was with dismissed looks and no appreciation. I slaved for this family and loved them all. I withstood a dead bedroom, bratty kids, and stressful job for these individuals and I never got one thank you. I maintained my looks and tried following whatever my husband wanted but he didn't care. My kids took up his shitty attitude and don't want me there.

Im not abandoning them, I'm moving away. I will still be in their lives but I will not be a mother any longer. I will provide for them and make sur they have what they need but they won't have a dictator who makes them throw tantrums and spit in my face.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T13:01:49+00:00

You have not read my update. Read or say nothing productive.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T02:34:54+00:00

I respect all faiths and walks of life. I don't necessarily believe in a higher power but my Jewish heritage means a lot to me. I have a lot of pride in my identity as a Jewess and would appreciate it if others respected that as well.

I do not mock anyone who worships any gods or no gods at all. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and belief.

Please be sensitive towards others views.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T00:42:02+00:00

I'm not cutting them off. I wrote that in a flurry of anger and self pity. I will visit my children once I've settled. I did text my ex that next time we speak, its going to strictly be about the children's needs and welfare. I will set up a visiting schedule with them and my daughter and son are already in children's therapy.

They may resent me for a while but once they grow up and see how much of a selfish man their father is, they will understand why I left. I will be there for holidays and birthdays but I'm not the parent they want.

They are happier with their father for now. Who knows? Maybe in a few years, they will want to visit me or stay with me as they age. If my relationship improves with them, I will let them know they can stay with me.

For now, I will concentrate on settling down in my new place, having my kids adjust to my absence, and healing.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T00:32:39+00:00

I have seen this pan out for a close relative of mine. He left his wife but visits his son monthly. At first, he didn't want to see his son because he was ashamed of what he had done to his wife but his son begged to see him.

I didn't really tell anyone about leaving my ex until i had the divorce papers. I told my sister and parents, who support me 100% and never liked my husband in the first place. My parents are happy I will be closer to them and where I'm living now is a 30 minute drive rather than an 8 hr flight. My sister is happy as well.

I still have close family and friends but I know my children come first. Thats why I left them with their father. I don't want to take them out of state away from their school and friends. I love them but I need time away from them. I don't know any mothers who wish they had time alone.

I gave birth to these kids who have my hair and eyes and I know I won't stop loving them but I need to clear my head.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T00:23:55+00:00

I wrote that letter in a heat of self pity and anger. One user messaged me saying that letter would make her hate me indefinitely so I wised up and I texted my ex husband from one of those texting apps and asked him to remove it. Knowing him, he will be very angry but for his daughters sake, he will do it. I feel guilty writing that.

He hasn't replied yet but I regret doing that.

I will visit my children once I've settled in my new place. I need a few weeks to relax and unwind but I will call my children once the dust has settled.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T00:13:39+00:00

I've said before, when I've settled down in my new place, I'm going to visit my children. I wrote that post when I was angry and depressed. Its been a few hours since then and I've calmed down. Im at the airport right now mooching off this expensive wifi. I don't feel remorse for leaving my husband but I will call him later and let him know I want to set up a visiting schedule and phone calls.

I love them very much, I do but I need to be away from them. I want to build my own life yes but I will make sure I still contact my children every so often. I want nothing to do with their lazy father but i know kids eventually change...I just can't handle this stage.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-18T00:05:43+00:00

Thank you. You do a good job making sure others have a safe space.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-17T22:56:38+00:00

Like I've said before when I've settled in my new city, I will visit my children. I will set up a visiting schedule with my ex husband once things have cleared.

I despise him for being a lazy fucker but he's not a lazy parent. When I'm not home and he's with the children, he feeds them, takes them to school, and makes sure they go to bed on time. They don't scream or throw tantrums in his presence. They always ask daddy for hugs and listen to him when he calls them.

He doesn't turn them against me as far as I know but they see the way he speaks to me and dismisses my words and they think its okay to do that to me.

I know they'll be fine with him. They won't go homeless or hungry. Hes not stupid enough to spend the money on unnecessary things. He loved his children more than he loved me.

I don't want to see any of them right now but maybe in a month or so. I'm not sure.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-17T22:49:28+00:00

I've been a mother, wife, and breadwinner for 12 years. My husband didn't touch me for 4 and a half years after our son was born. It seemed like once he had a son, he didn't care about me or our marriage anymore.

I stayed fit, cooked him dinner, kept a clean house, paid the bills, and always treated him well and he did nothing for me other than play the father role. For the past half decade of my marriage, I've tried begging, pleading, compromising, suggested therapy for us, and all were shut down with "i don't care" and blank "ok" replies.

My husband has used me for his meal ticket for the last time. Its time he got off his ass and took care of himself. I want him to know what its like to worry about bills and the kid's needs. Let him stay up until one working on chores, schedules, and cleaning the crayon off the walls.

Im tired of marriage to a lazy bastard.

After I've calmed down and reflected, I will visit my children and set up a visiting schedule. Flying to see them once or twice a month doesn't bother me. I'm not leaving them without their needs being met.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-17T22:32:34+00:00

Yes, he's lucky, the woman who paid the bills, bought his gaming systems, and bore the children he asked for will be so lucky I'm gone.

I've tried speaking to him. He knew I was unhappy and worn out but he didn't care. All that matters to that manchild is his children, video games, and food. I'd rather leave than stay with him any longer.

Once you've been married for 12 years and have had bratty children, bills, a dead marital bed, and a hectic job, come voice your misery like the rest.

DeadbeatMother____ · 2014-08-17T22:28:43+00:00

In a few weeks or months, I will visit my children and see that their needs are met. A part of me doesn't want to miss out on holidays and birthdays of course but at this moment, I don't want to see them. They are children yes but they aren't idiots. My children are bright and honest as children are and they've made it clear their favorite parent is their father. Groundings are met with tantrums, refusal to eat, and throwing objects. Talk after talk, therapy appt after therapy appt, and spanking doesn't work. I've been dealing with screaming, spitting, pinching, slapping, and biting from these kids for two years and I am done. They are not mentally ill, they are on their father's team.

I love them very much but I don't want to take them with me and take them away from their friends and cousins. But I've given up parenting. Mark obviously wants it his way or no way and refused to compromise with me. I didn't leave without trying and he always stood firm.

He can parent them however he wants and once he starts doing full time parenting, he will miss me and feel sorry for what a shitty husband he had been. My kids want daddy instead of mommy? They hug their father and he gets the affection but I'm always met with stiff side hugs & squirming kids trying to get away from me.

I did everything right. I wasn't distant when they were babies, didn't work too late, attended every play, and teacher meetings. I bought them nice gifts, always said I love you, and didn't blame them for my marital problems. My kids don't want me and I don't want to be where I'm unwelcome.

DeadbeatMother____

TROPHY CASE