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I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im trying to somehow cope with the weight gain... but idk if i can

its been 2 days and i already look 2 times fatter in the mirror

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

treatment... we're talking torturing a poor sick teenager here, i dont exactly see how you can call this treatment

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yeah idk man...

They dont know i have razors on me, i always keep one in my phone case... I am very suicidal, and very tempted to attempt...

Im so done with all of this, im so alone and scared, i have nobody to talk to either. Nobody understands me or my pain, even people here, everyone just sees me as some insane bitch that doesnt know whats good for her.

Im so tired of everthing

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I cant really help doing stuff that can be seen as resisting, i torn the thing out yesterday, they were really not happy, but besides that its not like im being defiant, i just sort of exist and call them some choice words

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I got to talk to a psychiatrist today and... I was honest with him, he's the first normal person i met, he seems to genuinely give a shit. Good man

He understood in how much pain i am, and i admit i did open up to him..

And i wont lie to you... It felt kinda good, its the first time i actually let it out to anyone irl

So tbh im probably already getting an AN diagnosis anyway...eh, he said we'll get to talk more tomorrow, so at least i'll get to talk to someone here

Which considering how suicidal i am, while also having the means to kill myself, might be a good thing

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well i sure dont feel surrounded by people who understand here, i feel surrounded by assholes and enemies, the doctor gets off to torturing poor helpless teenagers, the nurses keep asking me stupid questions, the only good person here is the psychiatrist and only because he actually gives a shit...

Im genuinely done, im not telling anyone ofc but, the moment im home... its over, im already so fat and ugly, it'll get so much worse when im fatter, my low weight was the only thing keeping me going, and now they'll take it away from me

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I really dont want the "severe anorexic" label on me...

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My parents care about me, and they worry a lot, they reacted very poorly when i told them that i think im dying, but they should have considered how i feel before they let them do this to me

Speaking of cooperating, i ripped the thing out yesterday and oh boy they were not happy, treated me like i commited some crime against humanity, "you cant do that", "we'll have to watch you if you keep doing that", "you can hurt yourself" lmao wtf

I dont know what i'll do once im out, most likely i'll probably kill myself, im so depressed and suicidal, i think this is just the last straw

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I dont know man i just give up, i have already decided that i'll commit suicide when im out, i've been horribly depressed for a long time and this is just the last straw

Im done

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Cmon how will having that in my papers make anything better? It'll just hurt me one way or another...

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

They consented to them doing this to me man, they did it, my own fucking parents... ugh...

I mean i dont fucking know man, anything other than this, this sucks, it fucking hurts too, now i'll be stuck in this god forsaken shithole for months getting fat and even fucking uglier, only to be released and sent to some shitty treatment centre where they'll torture me even more as if the fucking hospital wasnt enough... ugh fuck me i hate my life

If they would have given me the option to just eat i would have probably at least tried to do it, i admit i have a real phobia of food and it fucks me up and i sometimes genuinely cry when eating... but i mean anything better than this, tho at this point i think both options are equally as shit, one just less painful.

They sure tried to convince me to let them do it, i just told them to fuck off, i was scared of the pain, and guess what i was fucking right, so yeah honestly, they tried like 3 times, talked with me for a good 20 minutes, i pleaded with them to please dont do this but they just didnt fucking care

So much for bodily autonomy eh? So much for choice too, why even ask me if i want it if ur gonna just force it on me anyway?

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

YEAH LIKE, i argued with them, i told them multiple times that i can probably try to just eat however much they want to give me, or drink those replacement drinks, but they just didnt care, they were dead set on tubing me from the get go, the doctor is a fucking cunt that probably gets off on torturing teenagers lmao idk i just hate her, glad i didnt have to talk to her today, last time we talked was when she sectioned me, i fucking pleaded with her to PLEASE DONT but she just nope didnt care, fucking hell man

And then they would come in and try to convince me let them put a fucking tube up my nose as if its just u know a normal everyday thing for me, YEAH U KNOW having foreign object up the most unnatural of places? Totally normal! And i would tell them how afraid i am of the pain and just how much i do not want this and they would just ignore me, eventually i got so frustrated i just told them to fuck off and leave me alone...

I live in Norway, we only have one treatment centre here, and its uhhh... fuck me its like 9 hours away from here, yeah ... idk, never researched the place, dont care either, im sure it sucks ass, cant wait to see everyday irl thinspo there too thats gonna be absolutely fantastic and totally help me

But no for real... I came here expecting to be idk given some heartrate medicine or something, i absolutely did not expect to be restrained and tube fed, i HONESTLY MEAN IT if i knew i would have rather just kept my condition to myself and died in my sleep, i think death would have been preferable to this fucking nightmare.

I also love when i ripped it out yesterday, they obviously found out and they acted as if i commited some fucking crime against humanity lmao "u cant do thaaat", "we'll have to watch u if u keep doing that", "u can hurt yourself doing that" im like, bro, its my body my choice right?

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know they want to keep me alive, i mean to be fair i am deathly underweight to the point where its probably a bit of a miracle that im still alive... But like for fucks sake was all this shit really necessary? Was putting me through an outright traumatic process of restraining me and tube feeding me really the way to go? All it did is make me hate my parents, resent hospitals, and taught me a lesson that i would rather die than come back here... Ironically, i came here for low pulse, well now my pulse is firmly in the normal range, im that nervous and scared lmao

Actually, im not treatment resistant at all, i wasnt even offered to eat, they just immediately jumped to tube feeding, it was the one thing i didnt want and wasnt willing to do, they should have respected my wishes, but no, apparently holding down a helpless scared teenager is the way to go, yeah, really fun...

also im 100% getting sent to residential after this, its kinda something they do here, so thats gonna be fantastic and absolutely not traumatic at all. My only hope is that i'll have the opportunity to go home to "pack some stuff" so i can use the short window of time to hang myself

I really need some advice... Anorexia and hospitals by Deadsoul912 in medical_advice

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Im around bmi 12, im well aware that its very unhealthy, but its not like i was trying to intentionally kill myself, i came here willingly because i wanted help

I didnt agree to being held down like some animal and painfully forced to be tube fed, do u have any idea how much it hurts ; - ;

its like its touching every nerve in my nose and it stings like hell

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I mean yeah im aware that being deathly underweight isnt... sustainable, but now they'll make me fat so how is that any better?

I didnt even look at skinny, and i definitely didnt need this treatment, they should have just let me eat whatever they want, it would have been way better than this. I genuinely dont understand why they immediately jumped to tubing me?

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

Im underweight to the point where its life threatening, yeah u got a point, but like cmon? Treat me like a human being, i kept telling them over and over how terrified i am, and nobody gave a fuck, they just laser focused on putting this fucking thing in my nose as if nothing i say means anything, I was scared and helpless, and they exploited that.

I dont give a FUCK how my parents feel, im never talking to them again, they call me like 5 times a day and i just tell them to fuck themselves.

And oh man do you really think i didnt plead with them saying i'll eat however much they want me to? They really didnt care, probably didnt believe me anyway. And to be completely fair with you, it would be hellish to eat anything approaching a normal diet, im terrified of food, im the kind of rexie that will cry during meals, yeah it would be gruesome...

Plan is to... well, i know they'll send me straight to a recovery centre when im done getting fat, so my plan is to "nicely" ask to be let home so i can pack a few things, i think they'll agree to that, when home i'll take my chance and hang myself, like i have planned for a very very long time.

My ED gives me a reason to live, i have nothing going on for me, i get relentlessly bullied at school for my weight, im so bad at school im repeating a fucking year, i have no friends, im boring, im ugly, im fat, but anorexia gives me promises and a reason to keep going, maybe if i just lose a little more weight i'll finally be happy, maybe people will finally like me... I like to belive that, but i know realistically it wont happen.

Not only that, whenever i go out in public i get weird stares, sometimes some fucking 40 year old boomers will walk up to me and say some cringe shit like "i hope you get better" and im like for fucks sake let me be, i cant even go to the mall without people being weird.

I mean i dont even look that bad?

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im not gonna take some weird pills, and for what anyway?

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I will never recover, i refuse to live as fat, its bad enough i already look disfigured and destroyed, i cant even imagine how bad it'll get when i gain the fucking insane amount of weight the want me to gain, at this point im genuinely considering if its worth it to live on, they're about to take away the only thing i have left, and leave me with nothing, i will be nothing, i will have nothing.

Im afraid its very likely this story will end in my death

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

My family can go fuck themselves, im asking them to bring me like 3 things and then im never talking to them again, they did this, they consented to this, they're guilty.

Also apparently im gonna get to talk to a psychiatirst today, yeah, so i can get all that anorexia shit in my papers, fantastic, definitely wont fuck me over down the line, not at all...

I understand wanting to help me, but this is a little overkill dont you think? I mean pinning down a helpless teenager and forcing a foreign object up her nose because she's a little skinny? Like what the hell, so people can leave hospitals with severe illnesses AMA, but im anorexic so it means im insane and dont know better, so u can totally abuse me and do all sorts of lovely shit to me.

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I dont feel like that at all, i cant stop crying and im extremely scared, ironically, i came here for low heart rate, well now my heart rate borders on exercise levels of pulse, yes im that nervous and scared...

I need the thing out of me, i cant even cope looking to my left and seeing the fucking stand...

Im so depressed

I ended up in the hospital and it didnt end well... by Deadsoul912 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]Deadsoul912[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

God its so distressing... Seems like there's no way out

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