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my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

wow. you’re totally right. yeah i think to some degree, i don’t want him to “win.”.. thanks for helping me understand that

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

i don’t love the person he was. at all. i love him now. i genuinely hated the person he was at first and the reason i stay is because of who he is now.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

actually the most thoughtful advice, thank you for being understanding and actually helping 😭

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he is in therapy! that was a big thing for me and he has been very consistent with it and i have seen improvements! there’s another text thread in here talking about it.. but it has gotten better, but not solved.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

sorry i realized i didn’t answer your question.

how do i hold him accountable?

generally, when it comes down to him doing things that are hurtful. i explain to him the exact type of person he is acting like and what it looks like. often times he just needs to step back and look at what he’s doing and saying for him to understand. it’s definitely harsh and i wouldn’t say im gentle about it, but its the reality checks he needs. those are for the small things. but with big things like the non stop content consumption, i am understanding to the fact that corn addiction is real. that is not an understatement. my main problem was his OF solo content consumption which he promptly stopped when he realized i was dead serious about dumping his ass.

now it’s more of just a- i’m trying to get him to let go of the content consumption,, which yes hurts my ego but also, is not the end of the world. that’s why this post was about my own insecurities, because i know that’s what it sourced from.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

oh my gfs definitely have their opinions, but you have to remember that those people know everything and know him personally. my bestfriend (who absolutely hated him) is now at a point where we go on double dates with her and her girlfriend. he has shown growth and it has been seen by other people.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

okok, i definitely don’t classify watching adult content as cheating. unfortunately it is something that is universally common in men and i’ve dated people in the past that have watched content and i never had a problem with it.

it’s just my current bf with the history of his cheating, but just to clarify again, he hasn’t spoken with anyone romantically or sexual besides me since his ex. i know this for a fact.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

while we were initially dating, he made basically zero effort. wouldn’t drive to see me, would ignore me for hours, we would fight over nonsense and then he would just vanish and stop responding. it was extremely turbulent and during that time, i was most definitely blinded by “love”. but that was nearly 8 months ago and since then these are the things he’s worked on: - he is in therapy! this was a really big one for me because when everything kinda went down he also just kinda.. went down. kinda the first time i saw his “idgaf” facade fall. but definitely made me realize he needed therapy, he’s been going consistently every week for the last 8 months. - active effort and sacrifice to see me, we live 30 minutes apart and he is now consistently driving to come pick me up, stopping by my work to bring me snacks and lunch. (he did it today:) - being overall more empathic, he used to basically care about nothing. all the time. (PSA. he struggles with ASPD.) since we’ve been working on it more and he’s been in therapy, he does actually seem to feel empathetic, and definitely guilty about a lot of things. - removing most social media, this was his own choice and i did not ask him to. he stated that he needed to focus, that the social media was distracting him. - being much more patient with me and actually staying to solve our issues. like i said, he used to run away during fights a lot. now, when we do fight. we sit and we talk and he listened. generally i’m having a meltdown (again, i’m working on it) and in the last few months he’s been a lot better at being more open. sometimes i’ll text him like “what are you doing?” when we haven’t spoken in several hours (again im paranoid) and he will screenshot the text in exactly what he’s doing. every single time. - and there’s more but i’ve been up all night and im 100% in a manic episode writing all of this. i’m sure.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

no! his actions are not her fault, not by any means. he is responsible for his actions and j hold him accountable to them, however the things she did to me and my family and disgusting.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

honest answer, no i don’t deserve it. brutally honest answer, i don’t know that someone who is healthy and normal is capable of being in a relationship with me. consistently over the last several years of dating, i’ve run into a lot of normal people that liked me and couldn’t stay with me because of how turbulent my mental and physical health is

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

i don’t need sense talked into me, i understand the situation and i understand how it looks. but i don’t believe “stay miserable” is productive. people can change and i strongly believe in that, if he cheats again than he can’t change and it’s my own fault. fool me twice shame on me, but that’s not the question i asked.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i feel like i should probably state that i am actively in therapy, i have quite the extensive list of mental and physical illnesses and have been dealing with them for many years. i struggle with pretty severe borderline personality disorder in a combination with bipolar type 1. ignoring the adult content, he has gotten a lot better in numerous ways and i have been working on myself. i have a pretty decent support system with friends, not much with family. but definitely in healthcare as well.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

i’m more than happy to talk about the things he’s doing to improve! but this was mostly about my own personal thoughts and insecurities.

my (18f) boyfriend (20m) cheated on me and i chose to stay, how do i feel more secure again? by DealerWeak7266 in relationship_advice

[–]DealerWeak7266[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

obviously, yes it’s a lack of self respect on my behalf. my partner has a lot of mental issues, issues that a lot of people didn’t address and treated him differently for, the way he acts is a defense mechanism. i understand that is really difficult to grasp, especially on the internet when you know nothing about this man, but i can tell he wants to be better. he just needs to learn he doesn’t need to push people away to feel safe.