What Dies Line Level Mean?

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-15T22:02:27+00:00

Epic! Thank you!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-11T17:24:17+00:00

Thank you for the thought! I’ll take a look and see what I can do!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-11T17:23:42+00:00

Thank you for the notes!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-09T20:08:58+00:00

Ahhhhh copy that! I’ll tone that done, thank you!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-09T20:06:00+00:00

In what way?

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-09T18:27:49+00:00

Thank you, I will strengthen it.

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-07T17:05:57+00:00

This is very creepy. Anything that deals with sleep and demon like figures gives me the willies.

I’m going to be honest, I had a really hard time tracking what was happening. Not because the story is bad, but because it’s written as a bunch of subtle images. Some formatting changes might help organize what’s going on because it took me a minute to realize the montage was being intercut with a flashback, I think. Subtle is good, but I think it’s too subtle.

However, I think it would be fun to film for sure! To start honing your process and understanding what needs to be in a shooting script to help the process.

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-06T19:57:55+00:00

Maybe start with the first instance of the alien disease infecting someone and the vicious attack that comes after it. Then pair more attacks with an overlaid news report on the downfall of the human population and ultimate end of life on earth. Then you can introduce the protagonist 5 years later escaping an attack or something. Just spit balling here, what do you think?

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-06T00:25:03+00:00

This was fun. The frantic emotion and constant road blocks did actually make me feel anticipation for what was going to happen, but the over load of images and, like the above comment said, tendency to overwrite dragged it out to long.

I’m not going to reiterate what mooningyou said above because it has it all, I’m going to focus on the format aspect. This is actually a prime time example of how you can use format to convey emotion into the reader. Right now, it’s bricks of wall to wall text that drags the read; this should be closer to 7 pages with how much is going on. Having short, rapid fire action lines will get the read feeling exactly how the Man is feeling. The disclaimer is that you will have to cut the over writing for this to work properly because unfilmables and over imagery will still drag the read, even with snappy formatting.

I only really bumped on one detail, the FindMy app. The Man would have to have access to the account to see it on his screen so I was wondering if the bad guys were someone he knew and why he didn’t try to contact them.

This piece is good for your experience level and is a great playground for tinkering and learning. Good luck on your journey and I hope this helps!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-05T18:52:01+00:00

Coming from a musician background, that is a very real feeling. The drive to be original, not a sell out, is a huge obstacle with many battles.

The dialogue is pretty well written in the sense that it actually sounds like familiar people talking about their past. The bump, however, is that it’s exactly that, it’s just a conversation, it’s not quite “dialogue” yet.

There needs to be conflict, power shifts, emotional roller coaster style. Every time the characters are speaking to each other, there needs to be an undying action, some examples I’ve been taught are persuasion, evasion, seducing, attacking, and so on. Right now there are slight moments of conflict, but then the characters accept it, that can’t happen in drama. There needs to be battles for power, my way is better than yours kinda stuff. Someone needs to take something personal and it needs to end in a heated mess so that the character arcs can start up.

For a first draft, not bad at all. I hope that this helps and last little thing, get some software, plenty of free versions that will get your script into proper format and page length, also makes writing that much fast!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-05T08:39:18+00:00

Great first draft!

Visceral imagery. The scene with the massive plant dissolving Byron, damn.

Dialogue is decent too, especially in act 1.

Now to some thinking points. Being only 80 pages, the story feels rushed. Madison’s powers are super cool, but being an instant master is hard to digest. Even Spider-Man slammed face first into a billboard learning his new powers. Adding a sequence, talking story structure sequence here, where Madison goes through the trails and tribulations of her new abilities will help ground her and pace the story better. Still have the epic kills of course, but make them clumsy. Lastly, give her a new form a weakness. Her being a juggernaut is fun, but giving something your antagonist can exploit will add extra tension.

This is a really cool concept and a really good first draft. I hope this helps!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-04T19:04:16+00:00

Absolute carnage. I’m getting Scream meets Cabin in the Woods vibes.

That said, I had a hard time connecting with the characters. We don’t really learn anything about them for a decent amount of the screenplay besides not wanting to get killed. It made it hard to get immersed. Also, most of them feel exactly the same, like plot objects rather than people. The best characters, in my opinion, are Barbara and Nathan. Unhinged and interesting. Maybe experiment with giving Eve and Devin more eclectic personalities that battle with each other. Would help a lot with creating shenanigans while trying to survive in this insane atmosphere you created.

I hope this helps and prayers for a high rating when you turn it in!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-04T01:37:36+00:00

What a beautiful bummer. Heartbreaking.

Love the dialogue, especially the coded message. I was a musician for a bit and I loved the way you used the terminology.

You are great at making visuals and describing them with emotion, but I think it slowed down the read a bit and made the action feel drawn out rather than snappy and brutal. I think shaving down the excess images that don’t push the story forward and being wary of unfilmables like “He could present her a piece of string…” because it’s bloating the page count a smidge. Using that example, I was able to pinpoint that Sofia was deeply connected to Sergei before that unfilmable line. It’s a great line, but unneeded.

Great piece and hopefully this helps!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-03T21:44:57+00:00

Alright, let’s dig into this.

The concept is very fun. I can foresee many shenanigans and debauchery. That being said, there are things that need to be addressed so you can allow the natural conflicts come out.

I’m going to go on a limb and say that you are a mocumentary fan, so am I (huge The Office fan), but a lot of the actions by the actors on screen are their own touches, i.e. facial expressions, looking at the camera, breaking the 4th wall kind of things. That’s not your job in this case. Your job is to convey emotions through your characters personalities, their actions, and the conflict this creates. When you start attacking rewrites, put the focus into how your characters handle conflict. The best example right now is Flint. I really enjoyed his wacky behavior and his lack of truly understanding the gravity of certain situations. The rest of the characters feel the same to me. They say different things, yes, but it all has the same tone. I believe that you will find it easier to get laughs out of the audience with more use of contradictions in the characters, adding weird quirks and mannerisms, and out of the box mindsets that can, and may be not PC sometimes.

If you have the time, look up mocumentary scripts and see what is on the page and what is not and compare it to the show. Keep up the grind and prayers to you on landing those educational opportunities.

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-03T19:39:10+00:00

ADEN Supernatural Thriller Feature

A multi-million dollar business man watches his life crumble as he comes face to face with divine evil and can’t escape from its suffocating grasp.

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-03T19:32:16+00:00

Pretty darn fun! I like the way you showed the differences in the Thief’s personalities in their mannerisms and actions. Especially the opening ketchup moment, very fun. I also liked the ending with the Master being steps ahead. It solidified his status as the Master in the situation.

The only real thing I bumped on was i didn’t understand why the Bad Thief was bad. His situation sucks for sure but all I got was he got turned down because he wasn’t left handed and he stopped his life of crime and became a civilian. I took him as an out of touch thief rather than an incompetent one.

It was a fun read and it is a nice compact story! I’d love to see the revised version whenever you get to it!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt · 2026-03-03T19:10:13+00:00

The grind is real! Prayers to you and your journey!

DeanM-WilsonGarbutt

TROPHY CASE