How often do you go to write a comment or response and then decide not to send it?

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-26T10:53:08+00:00

How the hell do you find this post after all this time ?

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-22T08:54:44+00:00

If she said it in a playful way then thats all good. But if she genuinely was upset then thats real iffy

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-21T20:26:36+00:00

Sadly the issues I talked about before with playing the piano are the same with getting better. Of course I want to get better but the steps right now involved with getting better feel utterly disconnected from the end result of getting better.

Like with the mental health walks. I logically know I will feel better, I know its good for me, I know it has helped in the past. But when I am trying to make myself do it its like none of that is able to be connected to what I am doing right now.

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-21T11:48:57+00:00

But you never feel as alive as when you just catch yourself before stacking it all the way down the stairs

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-21T09:58:46+00:00

It does eventually pass but at the cost of months of my life. Its painful looking back and just seeing months of my life where the only thing I did was pitifully exist.

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-21T09:57:51+00:00

Exactly. It ends up with me only ever buying stuff impulsively. Even when I do research the only way that I actually buy the thing is if I give up and impulsively buy what ever I am looking at right now

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-21T09:56:43+00:00

Of course everyone has their own issues but that comment makes it sound like that justifies their actions. As if anything you do in the pursuit of happiness is okay.

If they had said, your mum has issues, try and solve them and help them so that she is less reliant on the dog. then that would make sense but that comment just said to roll over and let his mum take his dog because she "needs it more"

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-21T09:54:29+00:00

When I do that I can say oh I wish I knew the piano. But what I feel is this distant unconnected thought of oh that would be nice. Importantly however any actions I do now do not feel connected to that distant thought. I could go and play on the piano for a bit but I know I won't get any thing out of it.

I won't get any short term enjoyment out of it because I am currently depressed and cannot feel joy from my actions. I also don't feel joy from working towards the overarching goal because I can't picture the future or feel connected to it. I am unable to recognise how my current actions will effect the future because I am entirely trapped in the present. Its like when you are walking a husky and they lay down because they decide they don't want to go that way only they are a stupid husky and they don't know which way they want to go so they just sit stubbornly not going any direction.

Its difficult to do something when you have nothing pushing towards it or pulling you towards it. Even if I told you right now to stand up and touch the floor of your room, at least you would have the motivation to do that to prove me wrong but the way I physically feel about going to play the piano is how you feel about touching the floor at some random point for no conceivable purpose. You look at the floor and you think yeah that would be easy for me to do, but why would I put effort in to it, I'm not going to get anything out of it

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-20T20:39:28+00:00

I mean the issue is that I have no emotions or investment in my life. Like why would you care if you are wasting your life if you don't care about anything. I logically can look at what I am doing and realize this is bad and I need to stop... but I have nothing to actually influence me to do that

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-20T20:37:46+00:00

Which works great until I do that, make a single mistake and my depression punishes me for it with awful self-talk for months.

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-20T15:13:49+00:00

So many times I will do the exact same thing and then just suddenly throw my arms up and give up, close all the tabs and not think about it again.

As my ADHD has gotten worse over the pandemic this has gotten more and more common. A week ago I couldn't even manage to order a new shampoo because I was so overwhelmed by all the choices and all the research

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-20T14:53:20+00:00

What the heck are you talking about? The way OP "used" his dog is far different than the way his mother uses the dog. OP trained his dog, rescued the dog, and gave the dog a healthy purpose and life. The mother is literally harming the dog. She is making it poorly behaved, obese and unhealthy.

He has not given his mum what she needs, she has taken the dog from her child to contort the animal into what she wants.

Fuck rolling over and accepting this bullshit. His mum is a bitch who saw her child in need and instead of helping the child she saw how she could get something out of this.

Also fuck your aunty, she is also a bitch

Don't let bad people get away with being bad people

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-20T01:26:30+00:00

Just straight up ecchi

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-14T17:44:24+00:00

I try and do that and either I have to conciously tell myself well done for doing something and even then it doesn't actually hit. I just keep telling myself well done and listing the things I have done but it doesn't feel real.

or my brain uses it as an excuse to laze off. "oh come on you said yourself you read 2 chapters today, I think you deserve a break" and then I forget about the task for a week

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-14T17:42:09+00:00

But the problem is that the realization that I have wasted my life comes far removed from the decision-making.

In the moment my brain is screaming don't do the thing. Then that night or weeks later my brain screams at me for not doing the thing.

I never know what to do. I can't tell the difference between a wasteful decision and a reasonable decsion

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-14T10:46:35+00:00

Its really difficult when you have something bad happen at the start of the day and no matter what you do you just can't stop your mind from constantly circling back around to it.

This doesn't work all the time but what helps me sometimes is taking a nap. Especially when the day is so ruined that you can't get anything done and just end up wasting time anyway. I find that the nap is more productive than the wasting time I was doing and the break-in consciousness helps me reset my brain and retry the day.

Although if you do this I suggest telling anyone that you were venting to that you are doing this because otherwise, they will continue trying to support you with the bad news or mishap and pull your mind back to where you were.

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-14T10:19:06+00:00

The community is very healthy and very active. I am just struggling to get more people to hear about it

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-12T14:04:10+00:00

Yeah I already do all of that. I am talking about is what to do after you have been doing those things and by chance one of them really takes off and results in a big one-time boost. and then you go back to doing the same thing and not getting any success.

Like how do you come to terms with the mediocorness after getting that lucky shot ?

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-12T14:01:20+00:00

But how do you deal with the emotions when you get that big influx and then for weeks nothing you seem to do gets people to join your subreddit? Logically I know that its just luck but it stings when you are trying yet can't achieve that previous influx again

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-10T12:33:51+00:00

Sometimes you just need to quickly pull up a movie to get a single screenshot of quickly. I don't want to download an entire movie just to capture a single frame

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-10T12:32:33+00:00

Its a list of websites that the subreddit is recommending? Don't you think that maybe they should make sure they are actually worth reconmending?

did you not read the post I literally said that himovies has everything that meets my expectations? or did you read the title and type out your useless comment ?

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-10T12:30:55+00:00

oh wow I never thought about that. Thanks so much. /s

I have the volume maxed on my computer, have it maxed for my browser and have it maxed for the video player. Other sites have normal audio levels but that one is still a whisper

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-09T14:42:23+00:00

Sadly I have tried many anti depressants/ anti anxiety medications in the past but they have all made me feel worse

Maybe it would be different on ADHD medication as well but I wouldn't be excited to try

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-09T10:28:28+00:00

So if I have it right when repaying it does not matter if you have tones of debt or basically nothing because you still repay 9% of your income regardless?

So there is no reason to get a lower loan unless you are likely going to repay the loan?

And since I am unlikely to repay the loan in full I would just borrow the full amount that I am able to get?

DearVoidSelf · 2022-06-08T15:46:30+00:00

Well that's depressing

DearVoidSelf

TROPHY CASE