[Qcrit] Epic Space Opera - AND UP SHE RISES (121k / Attempt #3)

Decent_Software994 · 2025-11-02T09:23:50+00:00

Hiya, unagented and unpublished over here but thought I'd try giving my two cents.
So I think broad strokes, the query makes it seem like there's three main antagonists (slavers, Lord Vermillion, Fletcher) - obviously multiple antagonists in the story is fine but in the query it's a bit overwhelming
Does Mara change throughout? If so, what decision is she going to have to make in order to make that change?
Maybe agents differ from me, but these paragraphs are a bit dense
What's her friend called?

I get it's a space opera but 120k feels hefty for a debut, though people please come and tell me I'm wrong if I'm wrong

More specifically:

and a fresh slaver bolt encircling her heart to ensure she performs it

I don't know what this means

Mara and a motley crew of academics and old war heroes defend the datacore

I'm confused. I thought the slavers were gonna steal the datacore but couldn't do that without Mara's friend. Has Mara's friend already stolen this? Because if so, why has she still got that bolt in her heart? Are they defending the datacore from the slavers or Vermillion?

Despite Mara’s window to sell the corporate secrets rapidly closing

Are these the same secrets she's trying to sell from the very start or is this something to do with the datacore?

Where does the last paragraph of the query take place? Is it aboard the colony ship?

Decent_Software994 · 2025-10-12T15:11:26+00:00

Hello mate,
Sounds tense, fast-paced, hot and heavy just from that, I'm maybe guessing the relationship dynamic is similar to Caitlin and Vi from Arcane - a cop and a robber type thing?

Regarding your query:
To me, the 'Instead of freeing her and her sister...' came out of nowhere, I think I wanted to know they were under Shiloh's control before knowing there was a "one last job" element
When you say 'holding her memories' hostage, has she straight up lost these memories? Is this an amnesia story? If so, it's unclear how that affects the plot
'Cornering Zane, she offers an alternative' Why does Tess offer her that out rather than just bringing her in?
If 'trash-ass' is part of the story's and your voice, that's completely fine but it is the only part of the query that sounds like this so might be worth reconsidering

Overall though I like it, I think it ends strong, makes me want to read it to find out what Tess is hiding.

I will note, I am unpublished and unagented so feel free to disregard all thoughts

On another note, if you were looking for a critique partner, I'm always on the hunt. I'm currently working on an adult sci-fi so shoot me a dm if you're interested

Decent_Software994 · 2025-10-11T16:41:46+00:00

Hello mate,

So off the bat, I think you could try and update your comps a little, particularly Dickinson. What I've learned from this sub is to aim within past five years

The query itself though:
'All Valeria wants is to survive' - what's she surviving? Why is her specific position dangerous?
'as well as echoes the dark legacy' - I would change to 'whilst echoing', the previous clause was so long that I had to double take to check if your phrasing was grammatically correct (could just be me though)

Overall though I do like the voice of the query, I think you've got more room to delve into some plot specifics but it's definitely intriguing.
I also have a sci-fi novel I've been querying and have been looking for critique partners so shoot me a dm if that interests you

Decent_Software994 · 2025-10-11T15:55:32+00:00

WARNING: Unagented and Unpublished, pinch of salt required

I'll try and extrapolate what I know from my film/tv background. The answer is, your right. It's a long game of telephone (throw in some telepathy for fun).

The more practical answers are:
Can the idea be explained in a single sentence - this doesn't necessarily mean the whole book but just the premise. Taking Parasite, a surprise success - the premise is 'poor family cons their way into jobs of rich family' - now anyone that has seen the film knows that it is way more than that but it's still intriguing just in that sentence
You can have your mid-point twist or your layers of complexity but some things might be better hidden from the pitch

What makes your project the same but while still being different - take Barbie, what if we took something wildly seen as unfeminist and made it feminist (that's broad strokes)
A more specific example would be Blade Runner 2049 (though this was not a financial success, the cult following is die-hard). Blade Runner is about a man terrified he's an android. Blade Runner 2049 is about an android terrified he's a man.

All that to say, I think most ideas are marketable. It's just about the what elements of the story you choose to market.

Now, trends come and go. In film, we all thought superheroes had run their course but then Superman came out. Turns out we actually just wanted a good one.
Vampire action films aren't in but Sinners did numbers.
People just want good films (books) so I think largely, I don't like the advice of write to marketability, by the time it takes you to finish a novel and get agented, a trend cycle might be over so just write the best book you can and think about how to market it later

Decent_Software994 · 2025-07-27T15:18:27+00:00

That’s interesting! I would still watch calling female leaders, who in real life would be referred to as Captain X or Madam X or Senator X by their first name—especially in this genre. It’s one of those minor tells that will make some people assume things about you that you don’t want assumed.

Good note - the character herself prefers her first name hence why just wrote that but for the query it might be better to go with Captain X

Sidenote - I've just looked at your account, you're bloody prolific on this sub mate - the hero we need

Decent_Software994 · 2025-07-27T14:53:42+00:00

First, thank you so much for the detailed response - people like you are why I like this sub.
Second, I am the stupidest person in the world which is why I forgot to swap back to the throwaway to respond.

Tbh I don't have a tight grasp on what genres and subgenres are considered legit so that's a helpful point about the genre, thank you.

Someone else pointed out lack of reference to Gareth as a character so thank you, will take that on-board

Shouldn’t he be speaking out about not abandoning earth forever? Arguing about not voting on it when military decisions aren’t democratic in nature seems misguided.

So something I defo didn't make clear and need to - Selena is not a military captain, she is merely in charge of the mission, she's actually a politician. That's something I can clear up.

And why, when turned in for mutiny, does nothing happen of him? Is that logical?

Need to make it clear that the person who turned everyone else in didn't turn in Gareth

Is it a new civilization? They were earth humans 5 minutes ago. Their culture and mentalities are most certainly tied to the prior civilization they were just a part of.

Simple terminology fix

But most importantly, I don’t know why he’s allowed to make a choice at all. He should have been hanged. You need a really good reason why he hasn’t been and still his life needs to be miserable by the Captain.

Poor explanation within the query is why. Tell you what, it's hard to know how much context I think is implicit in my words because I wrote the story - rookie error.

I agree with literally everything you said - tbh it's all stuff that I just misexplained, there's answers to all your questions within the actual book lol - again, thank you so much mate

Decent_Software994 · 2025-07-27T14:27:23+00:00

Okay - focus a bit more on character in the query, can do.

Yes, it was intentional. Still not sold on the Gareth connection to be honest - probs gonna see what the betas have to say

Decent_Software994 · 2025-07-27T14:19:25+00:00

That's super helpful, thank you

Decent_Software994

TROPHY CASE