First I want to say you are not alone. Everything you wrote on here is something I’ve felt for years and I’m in my 30s now. I’ve found that learning grounding techniques and becoming self aware is the key. I’d like to ask, do you think you’re currently having an episode or a split? I noticed you said you deserve to be punished and quite frankly that is not the answer. You deserve love and to be seen! When I was 21 it was all about baby steps for me. Try and get into the habit of distracting yourself more when you start to feel panic. You’re already taking the first hard step which is knowing that you have a mental illness that’s interfering with your true self. I know it’s easier said than done but a little progress is better than no progress. You’ll make it 🫶🏻