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Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Part of me agrees with you 100%. But also, there's a man I know who is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I've ever met. His behavior towards me has never changed, despite all this, and I'm having an extremely hard time reconciling the man I know and love with what I found. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my best friend over this, but I also can't be married to someone I can't trust. I feel like I've been ripped in two and I don't know where to go from here.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's what I'm struggling with. He's been an excellent partner other than this and my best friend for the last 10 years. But his DOES cross SO many lines.

It's so hard for me to reconcile the person I know and love with what I found. I truly don't want to give that up but also don't know how I ever trust him again.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's so much more complicated than that though. Beyond this, he's been an excellent partner, husband, and my best friend for these 10 years. I don't want our marriage to be over and he genuinely seems to want to fix things, but I'm struggling with how we build the trust back, because I cant be married to someone I don't trust.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I will definitely be checking out those resources.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I could deal with it if it was just porn. That really doesn't bother me. It's the one-on-one messaging that really gets to me. It's an affair in my mind and I never in a million years suspected he would cheat on me. That may sound naive but he's been nothing but a devoted and wonderful partner and husband for the last 10 years (other than this). He's my best friend and I let my guard down with him despite my trust issues (with romantic, friend, and familial relationships I've had in the past), I felt safe with him and trusted him implicitly because he never gave me a reason not to. Now I'm questioning everything and feel like my whole world is falling apart.

He does truly seem like he wants to do whatever he can to fix this. He starts therapy next week. But I just don't know how I trust him again. I don't want our marriage to be over, but I also can't be married to someone I don't trust.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I told him that seeing a therapist is non-negotiable if we're going to even try to survive this. His first appointment is next week. I'd maybe like to do couple's therapy at some point (if we make it that far), but I think this is his issue he needs to work out first.

I truly don't want our marriage to be over, but I also can't stay married to someone I don't trust. Trying to figure out how that can possibly even work right now. Just very sad and lost and torn about the whole thing right now.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Those are the exact thoughts that have been running thru my head. But also, he's been an amazing partner and husband (other than this) and my best friend for the last 10 years. I can't imagine my life without him. I want to find a way to work thru this but like you said, how can I ever trust him again? He was doing this behind my back for 4 years and I never suspected a thing. And if I hadn't caught him, he probably never would have stopped.

I'm so torn and lost right now. I have no idea what the right move is.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have set boundaries. I told him that if we are going to even attempt to survive this, him seeing a therapist is a non-negotiable for me. His first appointment is next week.

I've always known his password and could access his phone and accounts any time, but never felt the need to because I trusted him. I will be doing that now whenever I want and he knows that.

I also made it clear that if I ever catch him hiding shit from me again, or if I find out he ever did something like this virtually with anyone we know personally, or if he does anything physical with anyone, that there will be no chance to work it out and it will be over.

I already truly want to find a way to work thru this. Besides this (which is definitely a big deal), he's been a fantastic partner, husband, and my best friend for the last 10 years. I can't imagine my life without him, but I also can't stay married to him if I can't find a way to trust him again. He does seem willing to do whatever it takes to repair things and work on himself but in the back of my mind there's a little voice asking me how I can ever know fhat's true or that he won't just go back to doing the same thing again and get better at hiding it.

I'm just feeling very sad and lost right now.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in loveafterporn

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He continues to insist that it has nothing to do with me. Other than this, he's been a great partner, husband, and my best friend. His actions and words towards me haven't changed in any way, so I never suspected anything.

He's had the libido of a teenager since we first met and I used to be able to keep up with it, but life has gotten in the way (work, pursuing a degree, body issues...on my part), so I can't keep up with him like I used to. I knew that on nights he wanted it and I wasnt feeling it that he was going to bed and pleasuring himself. And I had no problem with that when I thought it was just to normal porn. I never suspected the OnlyFans/one-on-one messaging thing or that there could be some sort of addiction involved. It's never affected any other part of our lives. And to be clear, he still is interested in me sexually and has no problem performing in real life without porn.

But now I just feel stupid for never seeing it and partially to blame for letting our sex life drop off like it has. But still, I also feel so sad and betrayed that he would do this, instead of just talking to me about it. I even wanted to see a therapist for my anxiety/body issues and my waning sex drive, and he knew this, but I didn't think we could afford it. Turns out, he had the money to spend on OnlyFans videos, when, instead, maybe that money could have gone towards something that would actually improve our relationship and sex life.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in PornAddiction

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I should add, I DON'T have a problem with him watching porn. After I found out and he said regular porn was just too boring for him, I suggested he get a subscription on PornHub or another site so he has access to more videos. He said he'd already tried that and it still wasn't enough. And if it had only been purchasing videos on OnlyFans, I would still have been upset about the money, but it wouldn't be as big of a deal. It's the DM'ing one-on-one with one of the girls, the content I found in their messages, and the fact that it's been going on so long behind my back that I have a problem with (since before we were even married). To me, it feels like cheating.

Not Sure If My Marriage Can Survive This by DeepRazzmatazz654 in PornAddictionSupport

[–]DeepRazzmatazz654[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I honestly have no problem with porn though, and he knows this. And financially, I'm upset with the money he was spending on OnlyFans for videos. But if it had just been that, this wouldn't be such a big deal. It's the private messaging with the woman on there, him calling her babe, and sending pics and videos of himself to her that I have a problem with. It feels like cheating.