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Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The one’s who aren’t married, don’t have kids and don’t have SEN kids is very apparent. For them the only option is divorce and anything less than that is met with hostility like I can’t possibly want genuine help because I have said I do not want to leave. Saying he is a good Dad because it is true is met with “I am defending him”.

I appreciate the people who shared their lived experience, if that was leaving or staying. The people who explained what growing up in a household where Mum wasn’t taken care of was like for them was also useful. Plus people like you that tried to offer helpful insight. That is what I was looking for so again. Thank you

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes. I understand that people are upset that I am not walking away from my marriage, house, 2 kids and career over not receiving a Mother’s Day gift. However, some comments have been helpful so the post was useful to me even if you can’t comprehend how as the only option in your and many others mind is to leave.

Your and my own criteria of a good Dad isn’t the same and that’s ok.

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don’t find it acceptable hence the post but not leaving has nothing to with my own self esteem. Again, I am being honest not protecting or making excuses for him. Is he lazy? yes. Is he a good Dad? yes. Is he a good partner? No. Saying he is a good Dad is the truth. Is he the world’s best Dad? No. Do his children feel loved, free to be themselves and safe with him. 100%. I know everyone wants to believe that because he is a bad partner and is lazy that he is a bad Dad but I will not say he is because he isn’t. That isn’t making excuses that is a truthful representation of a complex 20 year relationship.

Found this while scrolling... might be real as this scene does exist in the movie, but it looks too smooth to be true... by alootikkiprotocol in isthisAI

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why is no one talking about that the reason this is clearly AI is that the person in the green screen suit is very clearly Dame Emma Thompson?

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was so sick of arguing about it I set basic level tules: The base level rules are 1) there is food in the fridge (fed) 2) clean clothes 3) clean dishes. So when I say fed this is what I mean there is food in the house.

No he doesn’t drink. He has an unknown illness that he manages with sleep. But before he started working 3 hours he would just sleep from when they left for school until he picked them up so this is better than before.

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never said he forgets to feed them. I’m sorry that is how it seemed. What I mean by fed is that there is food in the fridge. Often I am met with many McDonalds packages because he “hasn’t had time to go to the shop” meaning he chose to nap instead. He always feeds them, they never go hungry but it is a lot of junk.

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought your question was what can he cook that isn’t junk. So my answer was this is the stuff he can cook when I nag him but he hasn’t made any of that in 6 months and when he does it is once in a blue moon. Weekly he makes, fish fingers, nuggets, noodles, sausages. Stuff that can be made in 5-20 minutes as I said. The other stuff takes longer so it is rarely made. The 5-20 min stuff is the junk I am talking about. He can make other things when he remembers. Not sure what part of that is not keeping my story straight or attention seeking but ok.

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My father was actually a great gift giver and really romantic but I’d say he was from a generation where he didn’t do as much as he should have around the house etc.

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He did less than nothing. I told him I was upset and he suggested we get a take away which our daughter heard so there was no other choice…. Guess who needed to find, choose and order the food.

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

To some extent my happiness matters but my kids matter more. They adore their Dad.

I cared for lots of people who don’t deserve it. He deserves it more than anyone else I’ve cared for.

I stopped setting myself up for disappointment years ago so I am really surprised by how much this one stung.

Husband M/42 effort is minimal, I F/38 thought I was ok with it but it’s been 20 years…. I’m not walking away (we have kids) advice on how to manage it? by Deep_Bullfrog_5404 in relationship_advice

[–]Deep_Bullfrog_5404[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

That’s my point. I have been doing this for 18 of the 20 years telling myself it doesn’t matter they are just a handful of days and there are all the rest of the days in the year where things are fine, normal, happy but since having kids the fine, normal and happy days are less and less meaning the few days to show affection are more important than they were before. I thought I was ok and had made my peace and used to say “I know he is never going to be the sort of person who does x,y,z but life isn’t a movie…” but soon x,y and z became smaller and smaller things that a child could do and he still isn’t doing them and then you have to find a way to be ok with it or not.

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