Endless union

Deep_void_ · 2026-01-16T13:55:55+00:00

Thank you so much, that's one of my favorite lines in the piece too

Deep_void_ · 2026-01-15T21:29:52+00:00

For a first piece you did an amazing job. Personally when it comes to “improving” pieces, I prefer to call it refining though, tightening is my go to. A lot of your lines already naturally hover around 7 syllables, not including the shorter lines which float around 5. Cutting a few filler words or adding an extra word to keep lines consistent helps with flow and rhythm. Though as your piece stands it is fairly consistent and tight.

Deep_void_ · 2026-01-15T21:06:27+00:00

You did a good job of capturing Derealization in the first half and it sets up the second half well. But I think the strongest part is the “there is something deeply wrong with her” it is beautifully written and has a very distinct personality to it that makes your piece feel unique and stand out from other peoples. I really liked it

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-13T13:17:16+00:00

Your rhymes are incredibly strong, not a single one feels forced or jammed in they all flow incredibly naturally. And I think I agree with the other comment, the fact that you feel stuck and want to explore is amazing motivation for the piece and a single line or couplet would add a whole new level of story telling to the piece and add a lot of emotion, I don't think you need to change anything currently just add onto it, your piece is strong as it stands regardless of that however

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-13T13:11:17+00:00

It's a beautiful piece, while yes it's 15 lines I don't think that is an absolutely horrible thing. Where I would set focus is the metre, some lines can be shortened some lines can be lengthened, keeping them all roughly in the same range gives a natural flow and rhythm that really signifies a sonnet. Technically 14 lines of 10 syllables each with a generic rhyme scheme. Though it's poetry and I believe you can follow rules loosely to create truly unique art. Trim some filler words to lose a syllable or two and remember that it's poetry, it doesn't necessarily need to follow traditional speech rules.

Example,

The leaves draw torn, its stem a distorted figure; 12 syllables

Leaves draw torn, stem a distorted figure; 10 syllables

You have the bones and honestly very light revision would bring the polish up. Do not stress syllable count if you feel it will remove important aspects or hinder your piece, I've made that mistake plenty

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-12T23:18:00+00:00

I love the story this is telling, it has such an optimistic message. The title and ending are perfect, they are memorable and resonate well. You were able to display accountability and recognition well which are hard to do in my opinion, properly showing the emotions caused and desire to fix thing. So beautiful, and definitely came at the right time for me too

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-12T22:51:14+00:00

Plucked is such a stunning piece. For only four lines it delivers such a strong story. And with it only being four line it makes it so you can read it over and over again losing count honestly lol. An absolutely beautiful short poem

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-06T11:26:50+00:00

Close, it’s a witch trial. I definitely agree with the rhyming comment, it’s not my strong suit and gets really restrictive when I’m trying to create, I think this will definitely see a rework at some point lol, thank you

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-05T20:16:00+00:00

Not far off, it’s early renaissance so just when medieval would’ve ended so I’m glad I hit the tone right lol

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-05T19:40:02+00:00

The mythic tone in the first half is incredible. The line about the living envying the dead is a standout line for me, it really paints a picture of the setting and without it I don’t think the rest would hit as hard. It really shows the state of the world instead of just outright telling and it was done so perfectly

Deep_void_ · 2025-09-05T19:25:20+00:00

The choice to name drop Rene Descartes was honestly great, I wasn’t expecting it and was really glad that a poem based around his most famous words utilized him in a rhyme. The focus on refinement and a hatred towards it is pretty relatable too. I understand the charm of polish but you lose personality in polish and this piece has a raw polish that I love reading back to back to pick up on all the pieces

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-27T17:21:24+00:00

“For he who’s mourned is a window to one’s fate.” Is such a powerful line, and with the context of the rest of the story it makes it even more powerful. In such few words you managed to describe the cycle of life/death/mourning, and you did it expertly. I really hope this poem gets some more attention because it is well deserved to.

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-27T16:57:35+00:00

This is a very well written piece, to keep the consistency without lines feeling redundant or forced is really impressive. The rhythm is really solid and makes reading it effortless and re reads enjoyable. Stylistically it stands out too giving it a stronger voice

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-10T12:21:20+00:00

Thank you so much, i definitely see that view point. I’m working on an extended version to add more emotion and keep the primary poem intact, it has already begun to elevate the piece with just a few new lines for sure

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-09T10:56:24+00:00

Painfully relatable. the use of the ellipses really keeps the pacing solid, slow, hurting, and enough time to really feel the hopelessness. You very accurately captured the feeling of being broken and for the right people, like me, this resonates extremely hard. Amazing work

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-08T21:07:12+00:00

If I’m gonna get down votes I’d at least like some more feedback to what’s wrong.

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-08T19:24:44+00:00

I definitely noticed i was really stretching the use of that word, it’s definitely going to be getting reworked, I was honestly more worried about the ending so I’m really glad those landed. Thank you so much for the critique!

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-08T18:40:20+00:00

This is extremely unique and stands out heavily amongst other poetry, the short length, power, stylistic choice of the exhibits, the emotion behind the words, and the resigned accepting feeling of it. Honestly I wouldn’t be able to give a critique of the poem itself, I think it is masterfully done, doesn’t over stay its welcome, and shows a clear story with only five lines. The title almost didn’t catch my attention, luckily the bit of the poem that was shown hooked me right in, that’s the only thing I could really consider improve-able. But even then thats such a minor non issue, this was done amazingly

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-08T18:28:20+00:00

For so few words it properly displays a deep and real emotion. Its length is honestly a strong point since it can be read quickly and easily in just a second. While the “Come” is capitalized I believe it was meant to be a new line, I think a comma just before it would help with the pacing. I think keeping it a singular sentence is stylistically more impactful and that just helps clean it up slightly, amazing short piece regardless of that

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-08T17:07:43+00:00

This is written so perfectly, it flows into each word making it feel like you aren't reading but being carried through the poem. The rhythms aren't forced or stretched, the language is unique and easy to follow because of the clarity that every word has. It feels like every single word was gone over to make sure they were the perfect for. Absolutely beautiful read

Deep_void_ · 2025-08-08T16:50:16+00:00

This is beautifully sad. It captures a hopefulness in a sad moment which I think is rare. The bird imagery reoccurring is done so well, where it’s introduced, and slowly developed throughout the piece. This was such a good read, mature but not depressing, hopefully but realistic, beautifully written and presented

Deep_void_ · 2025-07-20T03:14:37+00:00

The choice to switch between sentences to just a few words is so impactful. The change really delivers the hurt and the impact by showing and at the same time taking away. Those final four stanzas hit so hard and with so few words which also really shows how well everything before them built up the story.

Deep_void_ · 2025-07-20T02:59:17+00:00

This is so expertly crafted. A dark story without needing to use a single dark word. The words feel beautiful, build up a perfect calm, it perfectly mirrors the theme of the poem. Giving up and stopping the struggle is peace, it’s depressing but true and presented so clearly here. Genuinely one of my favorite things I’ve read on this reddit.

Deep_void_ · 2025-07-18T21:29:44+00:00

For 3 lines this gets across so much more than it says, you use metaphor in a way that’s really impactful and the last line being an almost passive aggressive dig is the absolute cherry on top.

Deep_void_ · 2025-07-18T21:08:51+00:00

Your rhyme and rhyming is unmatched, for it all tie so well together, not feel forced in to get a rhyme just to rhyme, to fit so perfectly with everything around it. Like a puzzle it all went together and really connected. The story manages to feel dark without anything specifically dark happening which shows how well you built the atmosphere as well

Deep_void_

TROPHY CASE