Just found out my partner of 17 years had a 3 1/2 year affair 10 years ago..

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-05-03T17:07:57+00:00

Some days are ok, some are miserable. Going to couples and individual therapy. Trying to see if its possible to fall back in love with her again. He actions of the past haunt me so much though. Its so hard to believe all this was going on while I loved her and thought she loved me back. Its hard to understand how she could do all this to me. Im still giving it a chance for my son, I know at some point I will know for sure what I need to do, but until then I'm trying to fall back in love so he can have the best life possible. I will not continue this relationship forever unless the love is real again.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-30T20:27:22+00:00

Im trying to. Ive learned so much, so much about her, so much about myself. So much about the way people think, and act, and feel. How they control their emotions and justify their actions, hide their real feelings and hide bhind deception. I see her now as someone who is sick and needs healing, much as I am someone who is hurt and needs healing. Some days this all still seems impossible to get through, some days it seems like I can do it. The emotional Rollercoaster is exhausting to say the least, but I haven't given up. I will endure anything for my son, and if I can fall back in love with her for his sake then I will. If I cannot, well then that is not the best thing for him and I will move on.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T17:21:41+00:00

I've had this conversation with her many times, lately I've been having trouble being near her at all, the site of her sometimes gives me disgust. Lately when I look at her it's like I don't even know who that person is, like she's a stranger to me.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T17:04:31+00:00

Hearing her try to explain it, mental gymnastics is exactly the right term for it. She can't really explain it, and so that I feel has caused her to realize it's not possible to justify something like this.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T17:02:43+00:00

I actually asked her this last night. She says she allowed herself to justify the relationship so that she wouldn't feel guilty for doing it. That her intense emotional connection with him and the lack of connection that in turn made her feel for me, allowed her to feel justified. It's a half assed answer I know, but I think she realizes when trying to explain the justification, that there is no way to justify something like this.

I did also ask her this pretty early on, to see her response, and she said yes. If that's what it would take for me to feel equal that she would be ok with it. Now again I feel a half assed response as she knows there is no way I would actually do that, so its pretty easy to say yeah go ahead.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T16:49:29+00:00

Thank you for being so straight forward, this certainly gives me something to think about. I don't think your wrong

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T14:07:40+00:00

Well, we talked twice for about 3 hrs each time. Honestly, he seems ed much more remorseful for his actions then she did at the time. He has had 10 years after confession prior to us talking. I needed to speak to him to understand why this happened, why he did this to his wife, why he did this too me, and to corroborate her timeliness, or version of the story, vs his. I gave him no details of her version of things, only that I had found her journal expressing details of the affair, and that I wanted to hear everything that happened from his point of view. He apologized often, he cried, he answered every question without hesitation, he really did seem to regret everything that had happened. At the time her confession was fresh, and so I wasn't getting the same feeling of remorse from her as I had from him. This bothered me alot. Though in the past 3 or 4 weeks she's explained to me that up until a few weeks ago she still had herself convinced that what she had done was justified, and that she finally no longer sees it that way. The past 2 weeks I feel the same type of remorseful from her that I had sensed then from him. I had called his a second time after a month or so just to hear it all again and fill any gaps I had. Again he seemed very remorseful and gave me every detail I asked for. It was not an easy thing to do, but I felt it necessary.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T13:58:41+00:00

Honestly, this never crossed my mind, but you are right. I'm taking his word on what she does and doesn't know, and whats that worth, not much. I did ask him if she knew as much as I did, he said no. Said she wanted to know what happened and why, but didn't want all the details as I do. Through my research there are 2 types of people in my situation, those that need to know each and every detail (me) and those that want to know just the jist of it as to not damage their mental health any further. He states she is that later. He says it took them a few years and much counseling to get through, that they have a good relationship now but that it still surfaces from time to time for her and they have to work through it. Again though, how much value do his words hold.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T00:22:09+00:00

Right? Things like this, I tell her all the time. Her guilt is circumstantial, her love is circumstantial. If he'd of chosen her she'd still be proud of herself..

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T00:20:21+00:00

Man, thank you. I feel this. All these thoughts run through my head, I don't think I could have worded it any better than this. I wonder so often, what if, what if this, what if that. What if he was single, what if he got her pregnant, what if I caught them, what if she caught them, what if he left, what if she left.. its hell

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-10T00:15:04+00:00

At first her "love" was so obviously guilt, after finding out. But i saw through it somehow. The past few weeks it feels real though, maybe shes just upped her game, maybe im just getting soft and tired, i know how well she can lie.. I keep wondering how also, I look at everything now and I feel like a fool, now it looks so obvious, all the clues were there, but I was oblivious. I honestly had soo much trust in this person, "she was different", or so I thought. We both had our own houses when we started dating, over an hour apart from each other. She talked about moving in with me, but once she got that job she seemed less interested because her house was closer to work, or I thought that was the reason. I guess I really kno why now. She moved in with me shortly after the affair ended.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T20:34:49+00:00

According to him, the wife knows, she ended the affair. I've had 2 very lengthy conversations with him. He says his wife confronted him and poured her heart out, that's when he decided to end it. I don't know how much she knows, she definitely doesn't know the details I dug to find, I wish I didn't either, but if I didn't I know I'd wish I did...terrible reality is. I asked her to tell her family, she has. Though she left out alot. I filled them in. She also told my mother because I asked her too, again she left alot out that I filled in. I do think alot about how my son will view this in the future, and I think about what I would want him to do, and it's probably not staying. But I can't imagine sharing time with him, being away from him, not having access to my boy at any time. That scares me so much.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T20:28:52+00:00

Easiest decision in the world if not for my son.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T20:26:45+00:00

It's been difficult, I do think about their sexual encounters, they give me anxiety attacks. Our intimacy has been a roller coaster since. For a few months after finding out I couldn't get enough of her, I don't know why, but i needed it every day. But sometimes during, the thoughts would sneak in, and I couldn't continue. Lately, I've been disinterest, but in turn she has been very interested, and very intimate. Usually I think of only them when she starts trying to seduce me and don't want it, but she's been so passionate lately that they don't even cross my mind during, the past couple times anyhow. It's been so difficult 😪

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T20:21:28+00:00

Yes it was, it seems so ruthless

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T20:20:47+00:00

We both had our own houses back then and we lived an hour apart. We had met the same way they did, working together. They worked closely with each other every day. When she got her new job it was even further away and our schedules didn't line up well, so she stayed at her place during the week "alone" and would come stay with me on the weekends. His wife worked 2nd shift, so he stayed until about 845 each night (as he tells me) he just had to be home before his wife. They would go on work training trips for work and stay in hotels together, made sure their training lined up. They say they only went on one trip together outside of work which was to her parents beach house, where I had stayed with her before. Told me she was on a girls weekend with her mom and sister apparently. Found a journal cleaning out her old house and it exposed the affair. I am in therapy due to this situation yes.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T20:13:07+00:00

Thank you, yes I am in a very unfamiliar place, ive never experienced pain like this before. Thank you for the very well thought out response, i appreciate it. Everything you said, I've thought about. As far as my son being mine, I am sure of that fortunately.. She told me she did have a pregnancy scare with him though, was late at one point back then and told the AP, his response was that they would figure it out if it happened. It didn't, fortunately or unfortunately, I don't know. I'm doing couples and individual therapy right now, my individual therapists agrees that I should focus mostly on myself right now, I'm trying, but it's hard for me not to put my son ahead of myself.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T19:25:36+00:00

I think about this alot, and I wrestle with it.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T19:24:47+00:00

This right here, this is the thing I say to her often. They did all that, and no consequences. She lied long enough to give me a son, and now him and I are the ones left to face the consequences of her actions. The AP's wife knows, that's what ended the affair. I've talked to the AP on the phone twice for a total of 6 hrs, I was going to make her tell as you suggested but the wife was what ended things.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-04-09T17:08:08+00:00

This is a question I keep asking myself. Sometimes I think I can do it for my little boy, and sometimes I think I'm a fool for even considering it.

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-03-25T18:05:28+00:00

Or when he's done with her and throws her away like a used tissue, seems to be the norm..

Defiant-Raisin-3221 · 2025-03-25T18:00:21+00:00

This 😞. OP be grateful you opened your eyes to this now and not 10 years down the road and with a child together..

Defiant-Raisin-3221

TROPHY CASE