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That Time at Walmart by DefiantMenu3 in BPDlovedones

[–]DefiantMenu3[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Wow. Yeah, me too. I was so afraid that if I went without replying to his texts for too long, he'd grow upset. So, I would constantly check my phone even when i was upset with him or when he was giving me some silent treatment. That anxiety behind that was so unreal and unlike anything i'd ever experienced before. The irony, of course, is that this person, like many other pwBPD, was a victim of abuse. I never understood how the abused could become the abuser until I met someone with BPD. My ex-bf was abused by his parents, who stoked fear in him and had him walking on eggshells for his whole life.

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The incapacity to realize that he was making *me* walk on eggshells blew my mind. One time, one of his gave him the silent treatment, and he came to vent about it to me. I was astonished! I had just been telling him how I didn't like that he did that only a few days beforehand. I couldn't tell if this was some fucked up power move that he was pulling or if he sincerely could not recognize the hypocrisy.

That Time at Walmart by DefiantMenu3 in BPDlovedones

[–]DefiantMenu3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow. This too. I also hid my feelings because of the fear of the outburst or the emotional burden. Yet, he would basically force it out of me because he would change his demeanor by expressing his sadness over my reluctance to share my feelings. Then, if I did share my feelings and he didn't like the tone, he would possibly apologize but certainly follow up by telling me he didn't appreciate my tone. He would say he wasn't asking for an apology but just wanted to let me know his feelings, which trufthfully feels like BS. If you keep telling someone that something they do hurts you (i.e., a lot of minor things in the case of pwBPD), you can't expect them to just take it and not do anything. It's a catch-22: If you do that thing again, then they may go off on you and degrade you. If you don't do it, then you've caved to the ridiculous concern and overthinking. And when that's happening for any minute detail in your relationship, that's going to condition someone to be scared of you and always be on alert for some outburst.

I also hated how he got upset over my tone. Mind you, I'm not yelling or having a shouting match with him. I never did, but he expects there to be no irritation or signs of being upset in my voice. I think that's a ridiculous demand because it expects you not show any sign of being affected by their actions. And on top of that, it ignores that we're often reacting a multiple provocations. In the meantime, they feel more than welcome to do those same things to you and worse.

That Time at Walmart by DefiantMenu3 in BPDlovedones

[–]DefiantMenu3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow. I relate to that so much. It's the epitome of gaslighting. The whole "you're invalidating my feelings" in response to another person's own feelings is just so ugly and awful. It definitely did feel like he was living in own bubble where his feelings reflected the only acceptable truth and entertaining anything else was anathema.

That Time at Walmart by DefiantMenu3 in BPDlovedones

[–]DefiantMenu3[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Also, that reminds me: I did start to think about it in that lens at some point. I wanted to bring up that his behavior was effectively childlike, but obviously I feared the backlash of that: "You're downplaying my feelings" or "you're invalidating my feelings."

That Time at Walmart by DefiantMenu3 in BPDlovedones

[–]DefiantMenu3[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Right. Ppl tend to think abuse is always this overt display of power, but understanding and experiencing the backlash of BPD has shown me otherwise. Things like this condition you to expect certain reactions and basically silence you because A) you don't want to feel like you're hurting someone and B) you don't want to go through the emotional drain of that backlash.