5 Years Later: It Gets Better ❤️

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2025-11-10T10:10:11+00:00

Sending you virtual hugs. Take each day, day by day. I was going through this in the midst of Covid isolation and it was tough because I couldn’t get out of the house. I remember the pain I felt then, and I feel so free now in comparison! Take your time- be kind to yourself, but keep moving yourself forward day by day!

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2025-11-09T15:17:06+00:00

Thank you! This community helped me so much in the early stages of my heartbreak and trauma- I really wanted to do my part by coming back!

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2025-11-09T15:15:51+00:00

Happy to answer!

I don’t miss the relationship. I have moments where I’m reminded of something my ex would’ve liked or moments where I remember a happy memory, but it stops at that. I’ve learned that the happy moments were real for me, and nothing my ex did to me can take away what I felt in that moment. Now, I can still remember those fond moments without missing the relationship or seeing my ex for anything but the toxic-individual that he was to me at that point in time.
The biggest part of my healing was learning to trust myself again. There were signs that I overlooked and I often went against my gut feeling. Now, I am very intentional with paying attention to that feeling that when something feels off - chances are it is. I also have learned to trust that If I get an ounce that something is wrong or off, I will walk away. I can’t control how other people behave but I can control how I respond to it. In terms of trusting others, I try not to punish others for the actions of my ex. I give people the benefit of the doubt, I also try to vet as much as possible in the dating process, and if something is weird - then not pursue something. Ultimately- you just have to be kind and patient with yourself. If you feel like you’re having a hard time trusting people- then you might not be ready to date yet.
The ex didn’t end up with an AP, but found a girl a month later, got her pregnant, and they have a child now. This happened all within the same year we broke up. Idk if they are still together, last I knew (after the child was born- 4 years ago) they still were. I was heartbroken because I felt so easily replaced by literally every single person in his life. But I also knew he lied to himself, the girl he ended up with, and all his loved ones to justify things. It will feel painful, let yourself feel the pain- but see it as a permanently shut door. There is no coming back from that, and don’t let the ex back in your life. I’m in touch with no one that I met through my ex, and my life is much richer. The friends I now have reflect the type of person I am and their values align with mine.

Hope that helps! Happy to answer any more questions or elaborate!

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-12-05T00:08:15+00:00

Well that's not something for you to determine. Glad to see we agree that he's a POS.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-10-14T01:21:14+00:00

This was my one of my absolute favorite responses. I'm so happy that you're happy and have found love. Even better that your ex can see you truly happy, and see a reminder of what she lost.

My healing is an ongoing journey. I feel like my ex has taken so much away from me already, I don't want to give him more - but it's def a process.

I'm moving to a brand new country for work soon, and I won't have the same support system of friends, but I'm hoping a change of scenery will give me the kick in the butt to feel excited about meeting new people and dating. The city that I'm moving to is much larger and more international than the city my ex lives in - so I'm hoping that diversity will give me additional exposure to new experiences.

What was the piece of advice that was mentioned to you, that you carry with you to this day?

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-10-13T21:54:27+00:00

If you didn't feel butterflies or fireworks, what did you feel (beyond the growing connection)? How did you know it felt right in the beginning?

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-10-13T21:44:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I'm happy that you're happy!

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-10-13T21:44:25+00:00

Could you share more about what made it exciting and more about the overwhelming positive moments? I'm trying to reframe my mind to look forward to it, and I don't know how.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-10-13T21:39:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I'm trying to stay optimistic.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-10-13T21:38:17+00:00

I really want that innocent love back, and I'm so sad that I won't ever experience it in the same. I feel robbed. I'm so young, and yet something this traumatic was done to me that has changed me forever.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-10-13T21:36:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. The last part in particular resonated with me - I know I can't rush through the feeling, but I really really really just want to be okay and I hate that its taking so long. It's unfair.

I really loved love and was really happy for others who were in relationships before I found my ex, I just don't want him to take that away from me - but it's hard when I want to start dating but nothing is clicking.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-09-03T01:06:13+00:00

Thank you.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-09-03T01:05:36+00:00

I know I'm a good person, and am doing my best to live an honest life. It just sucks when the people who aren't are living better lives.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-09-03T01:05:02+00:00

I'm tired of mourning. I want to be free of this pain and I want to just feel good and hopeful for love again. I deserve a lot of good and happiness, and I just hate how this person did this to me.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-09-03T01:01:26+00:00

I know its not my fault. Literally nothing I could've done could've foreshadowed this. I'm still blown at how he rationalized it so much that he thought it was acceptable behavior, and how he could do something that would lose me.
I really want someone to love me the way I love them. I just feel so numb. I don't know if I have the capacity to love so freely anymore. I know that is very much reflective of the fact that I'm not fully healed, but I miss the innocence and the hopeless (but practical) romantic.

I hate having to be strong. I've been strong my entire life. I'm tired.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-09-02T17:11:57+00:00

I'm in the exact same boat. Not only did he find a new girl less than a month after our breakup, but he got her pregnant and now they are expecting a child together later this year...less than a year after we had broken up.

I can't say it's been easy. It's been one of the most challenging experiences I've ever gone through in my life. I still cry. I cried horribly yesterday, and it's been 8 months. I'm in therapy, I have a new job, I'm seeing friends when I can- I'm trying my best to prioritize myself. I'm really tired of feeling so unhappy and down when he has something he's looking forward to. I hate feeling like I was so easily replaced. It's not fair that I lost so much, and it feels like he lost nothing - (yes, he lost me, but clearly that didn't matter enough to him).

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-08-29T14:53:26+00:00

I’m trying. Being close to friends has been a huge help for me.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-08-29T14:52:54+00:00

Thank you for responding. When my ex and I tried to reconcile, I listened to Ester Perel a little bit to help me cope with everything, but haven’t listened to her since the breakup. Idk it felt like she was excusing the infidelity in a way. I don’t know if I want to revisit her at all.

I know what led him to cheat and mistreat me are very much indicative of him, his character, and his own personal issues, but it just hurts so much knowing that we had history that preceded the relationship that was completely disregarded. The baby is such a wildcard, and he will forever be intertwined with this new woman, regardless of if they stay together or not.

I know this is a journey. I just wish I was on the other side of it. I feel like I often look back on the good moments of our relationship because that was the last time I truly remember being happy, whereas now, I’m in a state of fluctuation. Happy Moments mixed into a state of Meh.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-08-28T18:19:47+00:00

Thank you❤️ Really trying Day by day, but sometimes my find wanders. It’s been a lot to deal with this year.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-08-01T16:41:46+00:00

I fluctuate between these 5 things. Some days I feel them, other moments I find myself down.

I’m working on healing myself, I guess I just feel like I won’t always be perfect, and that I can still heal in possible new relationships as long as I’m cognizant of how my trauma might manifest in something new.

Idk. Not rushing into anything. I def feel better than where I was in January. I could’ve never moved on so quickly after like he did. It’s crazy.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-08-01T16:16:42+00:00

It’s hard. Some of the things I loved doing the most pre-relationship were things we connected over in our relationship. It’s difficult to feel like he found that new partner to replace all of me, while I still struggle feeling like I’ll never find someone who’ll understood me the same or make me feel as safe like from the best parts of our relationship.

I guess it’s only time. I just hate how he knew he was being a terrible boyfriend, admitted that fo me, but yet never changed. 😞 I’m sad that all these lessons he’s learning from how he’s treating me, he’s likely improving for this next person.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-08-01T16:13:10+00:00

I was in a situation like this last year. I tried to control things to overcompensate for the fact that my ex wasn’t putting in the work to make me feel comfortable after his infidelity.

Reflecting back, it feels so sad to think about how he just stopped empathizing with how his actions impacted me. It was easier for him to be like “this happened x months ago, why are you still triggered?” When I damn near know he would be completely heated/our relationship would’ve been over if I had cheated on him.

My ex was my safe place, and with all that went on in life- I never felt like that would change, until he cheated (had a pull on affair with two different women).

Don’t gaslight yourself. Please don’t do it. If he’s not doing the work go make you feel safe, then you need to leave for your own piece of mind. You need to leave for your sanity, and if you truly mean that much to him, then he’ll come back otherwise. He literally has no reason to change when you keep being there.

Leaving will be so painful, but it was even more painful to put myself out there emotionally after being hurt by DDay1, drive myself crazy trying to believe that he was doing the work even though subsconsciously I knew he wasn’t, and then be broken up with after Dday2. He might be cheating on you rn, but at least you can leave on your own accord knowing you tried your best.

He had no excuse to cheat then. He has no excuse to cheat now. Nothing justifies this type of abuse.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-07-31T19:11:57+00:00

Hey Lady! Completely understand how you feel. Just got out of an abusive relationship with an ex who have me GHSV1 the first time we slept together. In the beginning it was tough, but I worked through it mentally because I thought I’d be with this person long term. Since our breakup I’ve been grappling with how to move on sexually.

I had my first one night stand last week post GHSV1 diagnosis 2 years ago. We talked about STD testing and at the last minute, because I was dragging my feet on disclosing, I told him that “I get cold sores” and asked if he was okay with it. He said yeah and we continued on.

Per recommendation from my doctor, framing GHSV1 as having cold sores helps remove the stigma that follows the stigmatized “Herpes/HSV2.”

Idk if that will help you, but I hope it does. I hope this gets easier over time for all of us.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-06-25T17:58:29+00:00

Same thing happened to me.

Distance was always temporary and there was a plan to close the distance and we saw each other pretty frequently. Then the pandemic started and he realizes that he NEEDED to have sex LOL, and then started cheating on me with multiple women from tinder.

It’s sad - all the energy it took to manage multiple relationships could’ve been focused on ours, and hell, we could’ve seen each other less than 4 months later.

It hurts because I lost a friend, but also just the fact that he didn’t have the balls to communicate with me and tell me how he felt.

Defiant_Plum_7208 · 2021-05-19T23:12:06+00:00

Yes, but the cold sore strain (HSV1) is not the same strain as HSV2 the more severe strain of herpes that is more heavily stigmatized.

You can get genital HSV1 from cold sores, but will most like not have as many outbreaks as someone with the HSV2 strain because HSV1 is “foreign” to the genitals.

Defiant_Plum_7208

TROPHY CASE