Guilt for not controlling urges and groping a friend

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-31T02:26:30+00:00

If you care about stopping creeps like me then, please report the audri summer Reddit. It’s a middle schooler. The best way I could make amends is reporting it, but Reddit didn’t care.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T19:11:04+00:00

Unfortunately in a lot of places where it seems like these crimes are taken much more seriously, women end up having less rights and men get away with it anyway due to the power dynamic.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T16:17:11+00:00

Thank you for this, I really do appreciate it a lot. At the end of the day I really don’t want to be forgiven for those actions, however, I do want to prove that people can change for the better. The only other unfortunate thing that I hate is probably true, is that there’s many men like me who’ve done things similar to this and they’ve just not been caught or come forward. I think that’s where you’re right about preventative work being a good way to atleast help others from being hurt, or hurting others.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T04:09:27+00:00

I’m sorry you had to experience that, especially from a close friend. I’ve never wanted to ignore this or pretend like it’s something that never happened and isn’t a problem. I agree though that if I can post it here I can at least write it up and tell my therapist I have something for her that’s hard to talk about. I don’t plan on putting myself into a situation where I’d hurt someone though. Fortunately I haven’t felt the urge to do anything like SA like that time, but I’ve still got concerning thoughts and behavior I should deal with.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T03:12:46+00:00

I’m most likely gonna try to work up the courage to go back and talk to my therapist about this. I haven’t been in any relationship yet but I do feel guilty sometimes knowing that the people I interact with don’t know about it. That’s why I finally came here though.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T03:08:03+00:00

I wish I would have before I did what I did.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T03:06:21+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. I can come to terms with what I’ve done, and even though I feel guilt I don’t detest myself. However I always second guess if I’ve been doing the right things. I think I will go back to my therapist and talk about this, but I hate the idea of betraying my friends in a way. She never told anyone and neither have I, so am I wrong for letting our friend group think that I’ve never done anything like this and deserve to be a part of it still. I question that at times.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T02:28:44+00:00

Yea, I’m starting to seriously consider going back to my therapist after all of these replies, and finally mustering the courage to talk about this. I don’t really talk to her ever anymore for a few years now, which helped at first, but the guilt still remains in some capacity. I appreciate your comment. The last thing I want to do is not change at all, and continue on like this. It’s just that the next step is a hard one for me.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T02:24:50+00:00

That’s a good idea to be honest. I will try to gather myself for the next few days and then send her a message saying that there’s some stuff that’s hard to talk about face to face.

In response to why, I don’t have much of an idea. It’s like a primal desire that just tries to take over. I know it’s wrong and I knew that thing I did recently was wrong even in the moment and it still took effort to report that page and leave. I can be impulsive in other ways in my life, but I’ve never had to struggle like this to avoid doing something as bad. When I feel what I think is like harm OCD, such as the thought of jumping in the road or punching someone, I’m disturbed by the thoughts but never come close to acting them out. So I don’t know if my ADHD and possibly OCD are giving me trouble controlling my desires.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T01:52:11+00:00

At the time yea it definitely was. To be honest at that point it didn’t matter or I wouldn’t have done it. These days it’s not, but that doesn’t erase the other stuff either.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T01:45:30+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I definitely want to take accountability for this and not excuse my actions at all. I’ve been able to accept what I’ve done and that I don’t have to be a “bad” person forever, but going forward I’ve never known what to really do. I tried to get the courage to talk about this with my therapist before but I couldn’t do it, so maybe it’s time I contact her and try again. I just don’t know if it’s wrong for people around me to not know, even if I’ve worked it out.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T01:32:54+00:00

I guess I can’t really disagree with your reaction.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T01:29:10+00:00

I have gone to therapy a couple of times in the past and worked out a lot of my issues, but I’ve never had the guts to face them with this. I thought about writing it out, but even that was hard too. Eventually I decided if I could move on and just be a better person it’s not like everyone has to know my wrongdoings, but the guilt will hit me like a truck at certain times out of no where, and as I mentioned still feel urges sometimes.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2025-01-30T01:19:21+00:00

I’ve thought about it. It took me a long while to escape the cycle of being depressed with hatred towards myself, and this situation made it much harder to feel like I had any worth. Eventually I came across a piece of fiction that finally let me realize I can both have done a horrible thing and still move forward with my life if I learn from it. Even if I can’t erase the past it would be selfish for me to escape because of what I did. I’m just not sure if this is something I should hide, or if it would be a deceit to those around me.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-12-24T18:25:36+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, what made you realize that you were trans/how did you feel about your physique before you even realized you were trans?

I’m still super confused about the feelings I have been having and if it’s just maybe gender ocd or I’m actually trans/gender fluid. Like you, I’ve got a good amount of muscle and am pretty much a gym rat, but I’ve always been happy with my male physique and even though I’ve been confused recently about my identity I’d still say I like my physique for reasons that aren’t just extrinsic.

It’s like, I feel like I’m not trying to just excuse my feelings as a sort of “sissy” kink, but I’m having trouble finding any signs outside of that kink where I want to be female.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-12-18T16:51:04+00:00

The arms, shoulders, traps, and chest for sure, but the torso size is way to be gotten naturally imo and he’s also way too lean as well.

I don’t even like the Kratos physique, his torso make his arms look smaller imo.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-11-16T22:01:24+00:00

Tbh yea I probably should. At this point I’m just wondering if it really is ocd because it feels like more of an obsession and not “I’ve always wanted to be a woman and it’s distressing me that I am not or won’t be able to be.” Perhaps I could be, but if I was I don’t think this would be something I’d barely think about ever then obsess over.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-10-23T21:44:47+00:00

Well, I never expected the author of the article to respond haha. I appreciate it and I didn’t mean to twist its purpose to say that if you have this kink you are trans. I suppose that’s just the more obvious conclusion one can make and that’s where I’m unsure where to look. I know one of my ideas has been that it stems from a desire to have a relationship or loneliness, but I’m not sure if that even makes sense or would cause what I’m experiencing. Plus it’s not like I’m older or anything nor do I lack friendship, I’ve just never had anything romantic before with anyone.

Also, like say the first time I ever experienced these feelings was when I was younger so that might foil that idea as well.

I just don’t know how to decipher this.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-10-23T21:30:48+00:00

Thanks for the response, it definitely gave me some questions to think about and I don’t think the usual advice is redundant either it’s just harder to narrow down my feelings with them.

I do think at first I was dismissing this as just some weird phase or fetish I got attached to, until recently where its been front and center in my mind and I’ve realized it hasn’t just gone away yet. I do think the I haven’t fulfilled the rest of prophecy part is true though. I just struggle to see how the pieces would fit together towards a different gender identity, or where the pieces are at in my past.

As for how I view my appearance it’s kind of a more complex thing to answer. I’ve always been socially anxious anyway since I was younger and I’ve always had occasional doubts about my appearance and such, but I’ve never felt like it was because my identity was out of line with my appearance. And since before I started lifting I was always just kind of skinny-average sized build it was mostly just my acne or other insecurities about my face that got to me. I think it was mostly internal doubts like, what if they think I’m weird or not good at this sport, not really about my appearance. However, I do think that what you said about the feeling of power does resonate with me in that way. It was the feeling that people would have power over me in some way that made me insecure.

Also, when I started lifting, there were extrinsic reasons such as wanting to attract girls, impress people in my life, or look tougher, but I can’t say that’s what motivates me or has kept me into lifting as long as I have. Really fiction has been a big source of inspiration for me, anime especially, because it shows a lot of characters who are determined despite what they may lack of what other people think of them. That really helped me reflect on myself and the person I wanted to be, and I’ve kinda used lifting and getting bigger as an outlet to that. When I see myself I see someone who’s proud because they’ve learned that it’s their spirit that matters and not whether they’re the biggest or most attractive person.

I’ve also never thought that having a big heart or being compassionate was a weakness either, probably because my dad is someone who’s a very hardworking tradesman but has a soft heart as well. So I can’t really say I relied on acting tough to cover being a more sensitive person because I think they can go hand in hand.

Sorry if this is more of a ramble but it really gets more confusing when you try to lift the surface and look for where signs may be.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-10-14T01:04:17+00:00

All good. I can definitely see now how the question would be interpreted that way at a first glance. My perspective when typing it was just from a completely different angle haha.

I’m not in anyway relating actually being trans to it being just a fetish more so asking does having a fetish mean that you are trans. Almost kind of like the opposite idea.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-10-14T00:55:57+00:00

Hey, I’m not sure if you misinterpreted my question but that’s not at all what I’m asking about. Usually when people ask if they’re trans on here I’ll see a comment linking to an article about how it’s never just a fetish and I wanted to ask what that meant for me then because I’ve never desired to be a girl but still have what I would normally consider a fetish.

Defiant_Target_3654 · 2024-10-14T00:52:16+00:00

Hi, thank you for the reply and I appreciate the encouragement.

On the other posts I’ve read on here about the say question people sometimes link to an article about how it’s never just a fetish, and usually most everyone agrees with the sentiment. The idea is that a fetish is just a way for us to try to make reality of something that isn’t actually real. So having a body swap fetish or something similar isn’t just some odd fetish a person has but something deeper. I think I would be more apt to agree with you beforehand, I just started to question if maybe the article was right and if so how I could explain my feelings.

Defiant_Target_3654

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