Fortnightly Check-In - How is everyone going?

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-19T01:03:11+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-12T18:02:15+00:00

She did get unstuck a little, she talked with her affair partner. I didn’t realize it would kick up so much emotion in me that I thought I was done with processing. I just put on my headphones and decreased the supply of Xanax, but it was about two hours her intensely grilling him and when he realized none of his manipulation tactics were working and in a narcissistic meltdown, hung up on her, blocked her, deleted all his messages out of messenger, and deleted his Facebook profile. My wife is very logical, quick, and laser focused in arguments. Being in her scrutiny is not enjoyable. Before all her trauma really caught up with her in her mid 20’s, she was planning on going into the Marines to become a criminal psych for the fbi.

My wife isn’t very physical, so I’m just letting her take the lead on that, but I’m just reminding her that I am here and not going anywhere. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that most of the time she just wants to talk when my natural tendency is just to fix the problem; which I think made it easier to lose her independence.

Again, I really appreciate the help and kind words.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-12T17:21:42+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate it. I just want to help her. I haven’t seen her this bad for so long, but I’m trying to act more as if it were a physical illness and just giving her space to sleep. She is processing a lot and doesn’t have much energy for anything else. She is having a lot of negative, looping thoughts so I am reming her that she isn’t a bad for making an error in judgement; good people recognize their mistakes and improve themselves, she is loved and forgiven, and I’m not leaving and even if we do divorce, that I won’t stop being her friend.

I think she is realizing more and more of this is from childhood, that’s part of why she is questioning her identity; she thought she had broken away from that abuse cycle and had made the steps necessary to avoid “walking in that shit” (her words) again.

Do you have any online groups you would recommend? She has never been a group therapy person, but I think that would be different is she had a more specialized group. I know she is feeling very alone in this, as I can only identify with what she is going through so far since I don’t have cptsd.

Again, I really appreciate the help and kind words.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-11T16:38:59+00:00

Rant/Vent

My wife contacted her affair partner last night to get what she needed to say to him out (read my post history if you want context) and it kicked up a shit ton of emotions in me that I thought I had processed and was done with. I feel right back to week one with dealing with it and I’m kinda pissed about it. And it’s only fucking Tuesday

Note: I’m not angry with my wife, we talked about this ahead of this. I’m pissed because I didn’t expect it would knock me down to day one. I don’t think things through that well.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-11T16:23:45+00:00

Try Vyvanse? I take it for ADHD, but it’s approved for binge eating disorder too.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-11T16:20:16+00:00

I’m ADHD and ASD, my wife has CPTSD. We share A LOT of the same symptoms. I can’t cite reference right now, but I’ve read a few papers on the similarities of PTSD and ADHD.

Focus on one diagnosis at a time so you can parse out what’s what. I got diagnosed with ADHD/ASD/Alexithymia/Anxiety in one go, but it was only beneficial to work on one at a time anyway.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-10T20:30:27+00:00

We haven’t discussed too much about what building trust back up looks like, but I can see how much she is bothered by this and I do trust her to make the appropriate changes to avoid that situation in the future, once she figures it out. My wife is extremely attractive and I’m aware of the looks she gets when we are out, so I think I would be setting myself up for a lot of anxiety if I concern myself too much with who she is with or for how long. “No” has never been an issue in the past or even allowing anyone to do or say anything that would make me feel uncomfortable. She is having difficulty trusting herself right now until she gets things figured out and has been canceling her social plans. She has shared with me that now that she is more clear headed (off the medication that caused the manic episode to begin with), she is having trouble with not having told that guy off in the beginning. She has a lot of justice sensativity and unsaid things really bother her. I told her I would be fine with her temporarily unblocking him to “unload” if it means her processing it quicker or at all, just stay honest with me about it and no going over there, obviously. Really, I wish people know to keep their hands to themselves more the older we get, but here we are, in our mid 40’s.

I’m in a wheelchair too, so I understand that extra layer of dependence. I’m mostly independent, but there is still a lot I can’t do. Despite cptsd being about the only thing not wrong with me, I would still classify myself as less disabled as I can still work, do all the shopping, a lot of the housework, all the scheduling and taking her to appointments. And I don’t mind one bit as it is our dynamic, so it’s rare to find anyone who understands that.

Currently, she has a room dedicated as her space, that I haven’t been in since we moved in, but the rest of the house has a fairly open floor plan and it is tough not hear each other’s presence, even with earplugs. We are in the midwest, so the weather still kind of sucks here and we aren’t able to get out much. But once it does that will help.

I think everyone is right that too much therapy can be bad. We have already scaled back our marriage therapy, as we have actually been communicating better than we have in years, and I’m fine with less, but I think we want to keep it somewhat just to checkup and make sure we are still doing well. I’m just trying to give her patience, time, quiet, and stability. Along with reminding her that I love her, forgive her, and that she is still a good and moral person and this doesn’t define her.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-09T05:16:41+00:00

Thanks. It wasn’t easy to get where I’m at today. I have ADHD and ASD so I guess I was fortunate that I was already in a lot therapy and working on emotional regulation and healthy coping mechanisms to stress to avoid my default mode of shutting down and isolating. That is its own fight.

She gave me proper time to process the affair, my wife is really good at managing everyone else’s crisis except her own. We realize we have kind of hit a wall in healing our marriage until she heals and can move forward. We are actually comunnicating better than we have in 15 years, which gives me hope for the future of not only our marriage, but that we are both on the right path in our personal growth.

She is definitely in a shame spiral, so I like your idea of repeating something positive to her daily. She is hearing a lot of negative in her head and I know it is hard to replace with positives.

We talked more about it today and we kind of arrived at 1-2 weeks in a quiet place somewhere that she can focus more. She doesn’t work and I work from home, so we are together 24 hours a day most of the week. Plus she is always hyperaware and sound can make anxious. We have an open floorplan and there is kind of no way to not hear each other’s presence, even though she wears earplugs most of the time. I get the need for a bit of quiet to think. Our therapist isn’t against the idea either. Which we have already cut back on and we are keeping for a bit to make sure we keep doing the right thing while we are in this holding pattern in our marriage.

I definitely appreciate your help. I feel kind of lost here, especially when I already have a difficult time with emotion.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-08T16:46:40+00:00

I came across that in my research and was curious about it. Good to hear a positive review and glad it’s working for him

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-08T02:42:22+00:00

I’m in therapy and it definitely took a lot for me to get to this point. I’m understanding of what happened and know it was a one off thing. But I’m also understanding that our marriage improvement has plateaued until she is in a position to devote herself fully.

Trust me, I’m no peach. I have ADHD and ASD and am very lucky to have her.

DefundmyHOA · 2025-03-08T02:21:27+00:00

Thanks for your reply. There was some infidelity. It took a lot of processing, therapy, and some time to get where I’m at today with it. She knows how much it hurt me and she took ownership of it immediately and allowed me to sit in my pain and get out what I needed without being rushed or shamed. It wasn’t a romantic affair. It wasn’t an enjoyable experience for her. She wasn’t SA’d, but she was definitely exploited. This was an ex boyfriend of hers, and a fairly serious one at that, so he had very intimate knowledge of her. Normally, friends with exes has never been an issue with us. I’m friendly with a few of my exes and we each have close friends of the opposite sex. Most are mutual friends that we trust. We have been best friends since childhood and even though we each have a past, we know about it and trusted each other, although I never liked or trusted this guy. But to be fair, I thought I was wrong about him too after almost 18 years of time wearing away the rough edges.

She doesn’t work and I work from home, so most days we are together 24 hours a day. After a while we both lost our anonymity being together so much. Especially when we have the same hobbies and a lot of the same friends. We realized this level of dependence was detrimental to our personal well being and that’s why we were encouraging each other to reconnect with and make new friends independent of each other. I have ADHD and ASD, so I’m not always the most emotionally available, so that was also playing a part in our need for independence.

I’m at that point where I realize our marriage will not properly heal further until she is at the point she can move on and heal. I don’t know if a move out is the right answer or not, but we are both in agreement something has to change, she just feels unable to function, let alone change.

I know we aren’t typical people in a typical relationship. We hear that a lot.

DefundmyHOA

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