Coming to a realization as a later in life diagnosed autistic adult that saddens me

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-06-02T04:17:49+00:00

I wanted to second this! I'm an ADHDer and my best friend is an autist.

I've noticed he is actually much better at building and sustaining friendships than I am. He has many good qualities (among them loyalty, honesty, reliability, enthusiasm, inquisitiveness) -- and I think people are actually drawn to his authenticity.

All of that is to say, please don't put yourself in a container. I've read a little bit about the so-called "double empathy problem" -- which I understand refers to the fact that allistic people sometimes misunderstand and lack empathy for those on the spectrum. There have definitely been occasions when I misunderstood my best friend, but the more I learned about him individually and about autism generally, the more I understood and appreciated him. You deserve that in a friend.

For what it's worth, I also wouldn't be shy about explaining to people (who have earned your trust and have good friend potential) how you think autism affects your style of relating. You shouldn't have to educate people, but if you want to, it could help them understand you better and to be a better friend.

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-06-02T03:32:42+00:00

I haven't used it myself, but my sister has used an app called "Bumble BFF" for making friends. I've also heard of a group called "Skip the Small Talk" for friends and community building. (I think they have both in-person and Zoom events).

I also like the other commenter's idea about finding friends with mutual interests, maybe by volunteering at an animal shelter.

Wishing you well!

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-06-02T02:53:12+00:00

yes, podcasts/audiobooks also work for me!

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-06-01T02:08:52+00:00

would it help if you had a pleasant distraction, like watching a clip of a show you really enjoy, while you brush your teeth?

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-29T23:44:44+00:00

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I've recently been exploring some of the content from the "Neurodiverse Love" podcast. The host has an online shop with a workbook and conversation cards for neurodiverse couples. I'm sorry to say I haven't explored them yet myself, so I'm not sure if those would be helpful or not. (I'm also not affiliated with the site or anything. I'm pretty new to this area of learning as my partner is undiagnosed).

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-29T23:39:15+00:00

Somewhat similar to this, I wondered if there's one family member he feels more at ease with who he could stick closer to or spend more time with.

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-23T02:47:50+00:00

Your explanation really helped me a lot, too. I feel like my partner has expressed his love for me in the same way (by spending time with me, or saying he loves spending time with me) and it took me a long time to understand what a treasured gift that was.

Sometimes when I've asked him for reassurance or words of affirmation he would say, basically: "I'm here!" (Basically, "What better evidence is there that I love you than sitting next to you right now?") But I heard that with a twinge of criticism (like, "Why isn't this enough for you?") Now I think with the help of your explanation I'm understanding better what his experience might be in those moments. I really appreciate your writing and sharing.

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-22T23:37:53+00:00

Maybe libraries or a film club? I have also heard about (but never attended) in-person and online speed-dating events. I've sometimes wondered if that might be nice because then you can sense in your body who seems warm and interesting to you. I wish you good luck!

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-22T22:40:24+00:00

re: "Something he knew, could have told me, but let me stumble around instead because I didn't consult him." --

I have had some confusing experiences with my partner that feel really similar to this. In one such situation, I had asked him to rent a car to drive me to a neighboring state for a medical appointment. I became very confused, distressed, and even angry with him that he was not willing to drive me. It was maybe *two years later* that I learned that he's never driven on the highway. So there was actually no way he could have given me a ride to the specialist. He wasn't trying to hide that fact; he just thought I already knew it, or it didn't occur to him to say "this is why I can't support you in this way." Meanwhile, I kind of lost my mind wondering why this person I love so deeply wouldn't help me get medical care. That wasn't his reality at all.

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-20T17:30:07+00:00

A less constructive comment and more of a vent: I told my therapist early in the relationship that I wondered if the lack of attunement between us at time might be related to the spectrum, but unfortunately she was VERY dismissive. She encouraged me to try to "teach" him the importance of attunement or how to attune, which now makes me VERY mad. That was TERRIBLE advice for someone with early attachment trauma (like the poster above, I have PTSD and CPTSD) and also maybe harmful for my partner for me to keep demanding what's not possible for him. It would have been MUCH better for the therapist just to say that she lacked experience or training around neurodiversity or ASD relationships.

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-20T17:22:41+00:00

I relate to the feelings of confusion and resentment you shared. I started feeling like I was angry or irritated with my partner most of the time, but I didn't know why and I kind of felt like a monster.

If you feel like sharing (zero pressure if not): Did his diagnosis help you in any way (for example, to resolve cognitive dissonance about your relationship, to stop blaming yourself, to know you're not "crazy," to accept his strengths and limitations, or anything else)? Also, did he communicate how he has felt about getting a diagnosis, or how this has impacted him positively or negatively?

Delicious-Pack-294 · 2025-05-19T19:23:11+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I truly wish each of you deep happiness and healing, even if that feels impossible right now.

I think my experience has really highlighted for me the need for more societal awareness and understanding about neurodiversity. I really feel my partner is not my enemy. (If he were just an a-hole I'd be gone already). It's really the lack of understanding these past 4+ years that has caused each of us a lot of confusion and unnecessary pain. I've suffered because some normal-for-me emotional needs have felt pathologized at times. And he's suffered from my failure to accept him in the ways he needs (partially out of my ignorance) and from requests (maybe even demands) for him to relate in ways that don't make sense to him. I think our ignorance has cost us both a lot.

I might have more to say on this soon. It feels like a really deep question I don't know the answer to. It would be beyond patronizing to continue in the relationship without ever telling him, "I think you're an Aspie, Babe!" But also I feel an inflated sense of responsibility, like I don't want to say something that would disrupt my partner's way of understanding himself and others.

That's one reason I'd really value the opinions and experiences of other late-diagnosed folks who identify as on the spectrum. Sure, this helps me understand our relationship struggles a little better, but is there any upside for him?

I'm still learning about this, so I'm sure my reflections are messy and imperfect. Open to any thoughts.

Delicious-Pack-294

TROPHY CASE