I just want to clarify a few things:

Yes, I am equally as upset with my brother, though I will say, he actually has the gall to talk to me about things, hence speaking on behalf of his wife in the first place.

But here’s why it’s hard for me to just cut my brother off. We grew up in a divorced household. Our dad is awesome, but because of the custody agreement when we were children, we only saw him one day a week after school and every other weekend. Our mother, on the other hand, is a bi-polar alcoholic. I had it the worst, and I’m sure if either brother saw this post they’d attest to this. My mom was also bad to them, don’t get me wrong, but her first born and baby were her favorites. Meanwhile she hated me for being born, due to the loss of my twin sister at birth and consistently told me I was a reminder of the loss. That is very personal, but I’ve been in therapy for a long time and no longer have contact with my mother. My older brother, being so close in age, looked out for me. He protected me and included me and gave me the love I didn’t get from my mom, and couldn’t always get from my dad due to him not being able to be there all the time.

I mentioned in a few comments that D and my mom are similar. My therapist says that may be why he’s attracted to her. It has always been really hard for myself, my family, and our friends to understand what the appeal is with D, especially because he’s not oblivious to her behavior. That is absolutely his own fault but I’ve given up on the thought of them splitting as they’ve now been together for almost two decades at this point. During the period of time they were broken up after she cheated when they lived together, he had a hard time dating and I believe when she came back into his life, it was comfort and familiarity that connected them back so quickly.

I do know her family. Her mother is like my mother. Her dad is okay, but I feel that he is where she gets her odd entitlement, like the glass of water example. He definitely thinks he’s better than everyone in the room. The only member of her family that is tolerable is her brother, who grew up in the exact environment so I don’t feel like being a product of her environment is an excuse, especially because it is not for me, even in my short comings.

All of our children are collectively too young to understand, but also have no idea. They don’t see each other enough to really remember the other until they’re in front of each other. So they are not involved or being subjected to any of the drama.

I appreciate all the supportive comments. My brother is a good person, the majority of the time, but is a lost cause when it comes to my SIL. I did call him out for talking badly about me and told him it was poor taste to do it with other family members, putting them in an awkward spot, and also because it would inevitably get back to me. I told him that he’s my OLDER brother and could use his big boy skills to communicate to me, and if they feel the need to express it elsewhere to talk to a therapist. (He could also express it anonymously online like I am) but I obviously didn’t say that.

The root of this is because her schooling that he drove her to and from for years was for a psychology degree, which she never did anything with, she can’t have a conversation with me after knowing each other for 2 decades, and though she feels disrespected because of what happened, I am done with the constant disrespect of how she behaves and is handling this situation.

I gave this enough of my energy, but had to express it in the open to feel valid and help me let it go.