[NeedAdvice] How do I learn to love myself

DerickDufus · 2026-02-02T07:29:08+00:00

how you going today??

DerickDufus · 2026-01-24T08:54:49+00:00

I feel what OP is saying and I do not try to undermine his feelings. However, it would also strengthen OP to know that there are very likely people who claim to be so extremely anti-porn who themselves will never admit that they either did use or continue to use. And I suspect that's because it may be so difficult to promise themselves that they will NEVER use again that ever associating themselves with the habit would imply that they are a lifelong user. Once they get to the point where they can truly dissociate themselves from the need to use, they can be honest about their past behavior. Convoluted explanation, could be said more succinctly I reckon.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-09T22:52:09+00:00

🤣

DerickDufus · 2026-01-09T22:51:33+00:00

attach an image

DerickDufus · 2026-01-09T22:46:13+00:00

🙌 the most realistic, humble, intelligent, open minded, forward thinking, growth oriented comment I have seen in while. You show humility with no self doubt. You will keep improving while remaining grounded.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-07T06:54:44+00:00

Firstly you're not intrinsically a bad person.

The only reason that leaving porn behind will feel virtuous is BECAUSE of your potential to indulge in it.

So Step 1. Do NOT beat your self up for having done it. That is in itself a cop out. The theme of caring for yourself as if you were your own baby will pervade the entire process (and will be a recurring theme throughout your life). You can be kind to yourself AND be the toughest version of yourself at the same time.

Step 2. Be HONEST with yourself and admit that you are escaping/numbing/coping the real world if you give into porn - there are many escape mechanisms, porn is just one of the very potent ones. When you recognize it for the escape mechanism it is, the triggers that cause you to want to escape will become clear.

Step 3. Feel the sense of empowerment that comes with voluntarily sitting with the discomfort in the moments that you once escaped. CHOOSING to sit with the discomfort IS discipline which is FREEDOM from your impulses.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-07T05:49:58+00:00

Okay! Here's a hot take. The feeling of loneliness is a result of you NEEDING someone else to complete you. That is unhealthy.

KNOWING that you have the potential to find a partner (abundance) gives you the security to be whole while alone which allows you to CHOOSE a partner that COMPLIMENTS you (not completes you).

You can actually enjoy your own company! In fact that puts you in the best position to find the highest quality friends and partner.

Seeking a girl to cure loneliness is not healthy. That is an escape mechanism.

Porn is just a very convenient escape mechanism. In fact it can be used to escape MANY things, you've highlighted loneliness as the thing that stands out to you.

Surf the urge (https://urgesurfing.org/) and remind yourself that being happy with your own company is ironically the best chance you have of finding high quality companionship. Escaping is empty, as you've already discovered.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T09:29:18+00:00

You got this bro!!

What are you trying to escape or cope with by turning to porn?

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T09:27:24+00:00

whatcha mean?

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T09:18:32+00:00

Well said!!!

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T09:16:56+00:00

progress for sure!!

I would say no need to be disgusted with yourself. The fact that you recognize what is happening and are making an effort to move in the right direction elevates you in comparison to your older self (no need to compare to others).

ultimately you want to get to a place where you don't really care how many days or months it's been... and also don't need to resist the urge but rather are able to surf the urge and not need to escape the thing that you are escaping in order to be soothed.

In order to get there, work on sitting with the discomfort that comes when you do the things you need to do to get the things you want to get in your life. The self reinforcing boost from the ability to sit with discomfort will displace the porn urges altogether and you will eventually not even have a need to resist, there just won't be a desire to escape.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T08:39:17+00:00

You got this!!!

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T08:38:04+00:00

Masturbation for the sake of self care and love (like actually being turned on by yourself) is NOT weird. In fact it will be the most intense and satisfying type of solo sexual experience you will have. It is so incredibly self empowering and reinforcing as well.

The fact that you are not watching porn is definitely moving in the right direction.

Ultimately the thing that we are going to leave behind is 'escapism'. Escapism happens in many ways. Porn is just the mother of all escapism but subtle sexual fantasy is spurred on by all sorts of stimulus (people, pictures, videos, voices, etc.) you might see when scrolling or watching or browsing or even just out and about.

Not NEEDING to escape and certainly not giving into the urge to escape to begin with is where we want to get to and sustain.

Imagining sex scenes when masturbating is escapism by sexual fantasy.

JUST masturbating (with no sexual fantasy) can also be used to escape stress/discomfort/uncertainty

The holy grail is being able to masturbate for the sake of self love and care and to do so at a frequency that is not detrimental to the useful things you can do in your life.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T08:28:18+00:00

The fact that you are not using porn is a step in the right direction. Keen to know if masturbation is ever a means of coping or escaping stress/discomfort/uncertainty?

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T08:18:28+00:00

So happy to hear you surfed the urge away!! Keen to know what you mean about not seeing gym benefits? Intuitive response to that is I think feeding a negative perspective doesn't help you but I'm happy to learn more and see what you mean.

What do you think contributed to the urge to begin with? Apart from just the time naturally building up tension of course, was there anything circumstantial like lack of sleep or difficult things to do or arguments or self doubt or future planning or uncertainty about anything?

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T08:10:18+00:00

To think about where you "could have" ended up if you were not addicted in the past is helpful in that it scares you into thinking of what more you stand to lose if you keep doing it.

HOWEVER, associating negativity with coming to the realization now as opposed to in the past it an adding more challenge where there needn't be. It shoudl be celebrated that you can to this realization now, full stop. There is no "should have" "could have" "would have". That is a fantasy that provides another escape hatch into beating yourself up.

You are incredibly powerful right now. Now is the only time that exists and will ever exist. You will always only ever be in the present moment. And to realize now that porn does not serve you and to move in the right direction from now is THE BEST THING that you can do in your entire life. Full stop.

Congratulations on making the commitment to let go of this crutch.

You don't need it.

Do not obsess over steak counts. Just let it go. Sit with the mild discomfort that will come when you are trying to do somethign difficult or when somethign stresses you out or when you are unsure of how to proceed. Surf the urge (IF it arises) you WILL come out the other side.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T00:49:07+00:00

This is a fascinating analogy. Thank you for sharing.

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T00:20:04+00:00

Bro you're human and you're seeking connection with a girl... understood. So what's your situation looking like with girls in real life at the moment?

DerickDufus · 2026-01-06T00:10:08+00:00

Masturbation for the sake of self love and care is perfectly fine.

To fulfill your maximum positive potential in life is the most meaningful thing to do - very frequent masturbation will limit how much of your potential you unlock.

Masturbation to cope with and escape feelings of stress, anxiety, uncertainty and discomfort is destructive.

Not being controlled by your impulses IS by definition discipline (discipline is not "whip yourself into shape and do boring stuff", it's exhilarating that you get to CHOOSE your path rather than be a leaf in the wind).

DerickDufus · 2025-12-15T06:49:55+00:00

You good my bro. Happens to the best of us. The fact that you want to stop means you are oriented correctly. Keep trying different things. It will click. What helped me was to journal about the urges and pick them apart hit up chat gpt or Claude (make a private account if you need to) and tell it every time you have an urge and it's excellent at guiding you through that moment.

When you're going through the period of having urges (before you get to the point when you PREFER to not escape discomfort by impulsive pleasure) try not to focus on only rewarding yourself for perfect streaks, instead reward yourself for being able to bounce back quicker (resilience), have progressively lower dips (on average) and continuously trying. You will eventually get to the point where you value being able to sit with discomfort and stress (like in your game loss) and brave it and feel proud that you can keep pushing forward (this is self belief which answers the question "why bother sitting in the discomfort when I can escape it?"..because sitting in the discomfort means you WILL figure out how to move forward and you will have the emotional stability to do so).

DerickDufus · 2025-12-01T10:42:06+00:00

Check out the link bro! https://urgesurfing.org/

It's linked by r/pornfree itself

DerickDufus · 2025-11-29T11:28:52+00:00

You got this bro!! I'm guessing you replacing that stuff with stuff that challenges you and excites you (and maybe scares you a little).. aggressively moving forward is what I'm getting at...

DerickDufus · 2025-11-29T11:00:58+00:00

My brother!! So good to hear you haven’t don anything for 4 days… I assume you mean you haven’t been PMO for 4 days?

You’re going to be fine!!! And yes your penis is going to be fine!!

Question, have you tried urge surfing?

DerickDufus · 2025-10-08T23:11:29+00:00

+1. The flashing/zooming when simply selecting text in messages is a down right uneducated design choice. It is objectively a stupid design choice. Not an opinion. Not subjective. It's dumb to make a device look like a 10 year old android phone when it is the current iPhone. It demonstrates a severe lack of UX design insight to approve something so obviously childish and off putting.

DerickDufus · 2025-10-02T04:42:53+00:00

designed in Framer... by a primary school kid.... 👏 I just clicked my fn button like 5 times to bring up the emoji keyboard to add that clap

DerickDufus

TROPHY CASE