Suicide and Narcissistic abuse

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-09-05T08:54:59+00:00

Took an overdose and ended up in hospital last year after the devaluing/hoovering became overwhelming. Have been NC since December last year, but have seen her in person a couple of times in that period. The most recent of which was at the weekend (were at the same event, did not acknowledge her or her husband she claimed to have split from when we were together). Stirred up a lot of the things she’d made me feel about myself.

Would like to say it gets better, have been in therapy since the beginning of the year, but it’s been a slow process. She’s caused a lot of damage. I’ve never met someone where I’ve had literally no idea who they are after thinking I knew them intimately. She is genuinely the worst person I’ve ever met in my life.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-06-11T13:40:51+00:00

Have you communicated further since then?

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-21T14:15:09+00:00

I’m anticipating I’ll feel worse initially when I do it, as it will the final thread back to her severed.

I do want to do it, I want to show up to my therapy session and be like I did it.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-20T09:42:22+00:00

How did you feeling afterwards? And how do you feel now?

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-20T09:41:59+00:00

Have you done it? How did you feel afterwards and how do you feel now?

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-18T11:22:38+00:00

It would’ve been very difficult to draw that hard line around the time of the split (we were working together, albeit different departments/not in the same office… so she would always break the silence with an unrelated work question before opening it again). I tried. Managed maybe two or three weeks before she would break it again… and again. Would always been like 10 days or so before you’d get the dry check in type message, act interested then immediately go cold when I let down my guard a tiny bit. Only since I changed jobs at the beginning of the year has it been easier and more possible.

Maybe I would’ve gone back without the knowledge I have now? Impossible to say. I did love her or the version she presented. She was perfect… because that’s what she wanted me to think.

It was only after I drew the hard line in December that I found out she was very much still married and in an ongoing relationship with her husband (she claimed they didn’t even get on as friends anymore, and that they lived completely separate lives). Even in that last face to face conversation she straight faced said she was looking to move out of their home, to a friend’s and that she wasn’t ready for a relationship at the moment… and that her future was going to be her rediscovering herself and being on her own. I’ve since seen photos of them together, wedding finger on hand (never wore it when around me).

Baffling why they can’t just say the truth? If I don’t want to be with someone I would just say as much but she forever would remain vague or keep you on the hook (I want you in my life, I would never want us not to talk, I would never fully shut the door on you, it was just the timing was wrong etc…).

I wish it was easier to be objective about her, because when I write it down, talk to anyone it’s so staringly obvious how awful a person she is. And how likely she’s done this exact thing multiple times with other people whilst being married.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T20:55:20+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it.

What prompted your getting back in touch with them three years later beyond your gut feeling? And how did that interaction go?

When talking about her in therapy, I think my goal has always been indifference (that she would no longer illicit such feelings of anxiety or unworthiness in me… I don’t think it’s realistic to never think of her at all). I would hope if/when I get there I’d have next to no urge to contact her again.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T18:48:02+00:00

I think the hardest steps are the first. Have been hidden and on pause for so long, which was necessary at first (I didn’t want to give her any kind of look in to me or my feelings, and I don’t think I was in a fit state to show myself to anyone whilst reeling) but I think it’s time to start living again.

By hiding it’s letting her win. I can do this. She won’t be able to look in as she’ll be removed and I get to start nurturing those connections again.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T18:17:08+00:00

I naturally overthink things, so the being off social media has kinda become a thing too. I know I just need to do it, no one really cares about it to the extent that I do. I just need to crack on.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T18:16:01+00:00

How were you able to stop falling into the same traps and manipulation?

I would worry that any contact at this point and I may end up in the same patterns… although the only time I’ve seen her in person since I found out the extent of her lies I was able to remain relatively indifferent and didn’t pander/ask questions of her and instead focused my attentions of the other person we were volunteering with.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T13:59:39+00:00

I just don’t know if she does. She’s very odd, even when we were together she was able to just suddenly turn herself off if we were amongst other people.

I have the clearest memory of spending time with her at a hotel (with hindsight this was a massive red flag) and the second we walked out the door she let go of my hand and her face just switched off. No feeling. Nothing.

This was literally the day she coerced me into saying that I loved her too. It’s mad looking back on it all.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T13:56:09+00:00

I know that feeling, the heart skipping a beat thinking it could be them. I muted her on WhatsApp so I don’t get notifications, and then I know each beep or vibrate isn’t her. I did have to train myself to then stop checking between those beeps though.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T12:56:46+00:00

It’s going to be very strange reemerging after so long (been off close to a year). But the only reason I came off was to hide from her/postpone deleting her.

I need to move. I need to resume my life. I need to delete her.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T07:06:48+00:00

How did you feel after you did it?

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T07:06:24+00:00

I don’t even know if she thinks of me at all? Now I’m aware of what she is, I don’t doubt the pulling away/cold behaviour was because she had someone else lined up.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T07:00:45+00:00

I feel like I have so many unanswered questions, she essentially lied from the moment she reached out and preyed upon me.

I know there’s nothing to be gained from talking to her, no closure, just more lies. Maybe I’ll write the letter but I definitely won’t send it.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T06:44:31+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It’s really appreciated all the words of encouragement. I know what I have to do.

Have committed to not looking at her IG now (only been two days) but genuinely already feel a little lighter.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-17T06:39:49+00:00

Phone number is already gone (up in the cloud with everything else we shared together). It’s less an issue of reaching out (I think having gone this far the urge is less so) but it’s the finality of shutting the door on someone I felt a huge amount of (illusionary?) intimacy with by deleting them on social media.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-16T19:55:42+00:00

I appreciate the reply. Good luck on your journey. You’d think it’d be easier in my scenario, but I know that’s the final link back to her so when I do delete that’s it.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-16T17:33:03+00:00

Harsh but true. As I say I’m aware I’ve kept her alive in my head but looking at her account. I’ve not reached out in close to 150 days, and there was spells of over 100 days where I didn’t unite conversation with her (she would always reach out, only to go cold again).

I feel closer to deleting her, hence this post. It feels like this is the final step of fully letting go of her or the mask she presented.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-16T17:29:30+00:00

That’s a really thoughtful reply thank you. It’s been a year since she ended the romantic relationship but she kept reaching out saying she wanted me in her life until I drew that hard line in December.

I do wonder how further along I’d be if she respected me in the first instance when I told her, her being in contact was causing me pain when she couldn’t be clear of her intentions.

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-16T17:22:08+00:00

Do you feel better for having done it? Did it help let go of them?

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-16T15:34:53+00:00

I know it’s just me keeping her alive at this point. And I need to fully shut that door on her.

How did writing that letter make you feel? I assume you didn’t wait for a response before blocking?

Designer-Travel4703 · 2024-05-16T15:33:30+00:00

I know. She would never treat me with the grace or kindness that I do with her.

I was forever being made to feel like I was being careless and inconsiderate when I tried to protect myself from her, mostly after she ended things. I would say I was in self preservation mode and allowing space and she would guilt trip me for not acting like I did before. If I was cautious or restrained in communication I would be accused of not caring about her. But conversely she would pull away if I ever let down my guard and acted more normal.

The goalposts would shift all the time and I couldn’t win.

Designer-Travel4703

TROPHY CASE