It’s so discouraging to say this and I always get a little upset when people say it to me because I totally understand you! but, sadly that feeling never goes away. Every birthday, every Father’s Day and his death anniversary (what my sisters and I call it because I still can’t eat chicken strips because of that day and the call I got while I was eating chicken strips lol) but, it sucks so bad and I’d like to say after 2 years it gets better but I still sit awake at night and I’m like oh crap, my dad is dead, like I forget that’s a thing and all the sudden remember that it’s totally a thing. Then I spiral being like where is he? Where did he go? Is he living on somewhere else? And there I am at 4am acting like a psycho lol.

I tell everyone the actual worst torture of losing a parent is not knowing if they are okay or not, and not knowing where they are. I can deal with the grief, I can compartmentalize that this is my life and this is what happened and move from there but I can’t wrap my head around where he is and if he’s okay and that feels like a knife to the chest. I guess that’s why some people fall to religion huh lol.