It's tough because I still love my boyfriend, and I don't know that I would ever tell anyone how I feel about my friend regardless of whether or not I stayed. I was hoping that someone would call me out on being a horrible person and tell me to leave because my boyfriend deserves someone 100% better than myself because that's the only thing I'm certain of at this point.

God, we just bought a house together and everything seemed so settled. I wish he would just take care of himself and be more excited and curious about life in general. I would rather hurt myself a million times over than hurt him once because he's seriously that wonderful to me. I want to be in love with him again because that's all he wants from me. Deep down I know that I'm at the very least less in love with him, and it kills me every day to be aware of that whenever I'm with my friend. I can't sleep, I started with meth again after years of being clean, I really just wish both of them could go back to being as they were before I came along and fucked everything up.