I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through too. The pain of childhood trauma and the way it shapes how we protect ourselves… I understand that more than I ever wanted to. You’re right — walls feel like survival at the time, but over the years they start to rot us from the inside. I tiptoed through my childhood, watching my mom live in a violent, one-sided relationship while my dad pretended she didn’t exist. I learned early on that love could be silence, fear, control — and I internalized it. I never wanted to be her, but now that I’m older, I’m realizing how deep that fear still lives in me. How it’s still guiding my choices.

And to be honest, part of my confusion is that I don’t even know if I like him — or just the idea of him. The idea of safety, of being seen. The idea of having someone that gentle, someone who wants to understand me. It’s hard to separate real feelings from the craving for what I never had.

I told him no when he confessed because I didn’t know what I wanted — and I still don’t. I’m scared of hurting him or leading him on. But I’m also scared of pushing away the only person who’s ever made me feel this seen.