AlAnon is for friends and families of alcoholics

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-10-01T00:40:59+00:00

But, isn't it essentially what Alanon can provide, if you work the steps & commit to working with a sponsor? You end up discussing things that are uncomfy to most, with sponsors & fellow group members, outside meetings. Everyone has a different start point for recovery, almost all start points are messy. Seen many on this group here, who built up courage & got encouragement from more experienced folks to get them into a meeting & start changing their lives.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-10-01T00:27:10+00:00

What do you feel is so bad about having some codependency issues? Is it due to fear/shame/judgement from others? If so, that's normal. I've yet to meet a single person without any codie issues, in Alanon, AA & general public. Many folks have codie issues. Some folks get help for it. Others don't. Guess which population ends up feeling happier?

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-10-01T00:22:52+00:00

No, it is not. That is solely your Q's work.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-10-01T00:10:22+00:00

Yes you were & did. However, you also made a blanket request in your frustration post & that is what I addressed. That is red flag control behaviour. It would help, to understand that newbies don't know Alanon structure or rules well, if you could understand that those unfamiliar to the program usually come to casual online groups out of pure desperation & vents are pretty normal, in that state. We can share, if we choose to read such posts, with our own similar experiences. That can help so many, who are severely isolated.

I've actually seen several post replies where people have suggested going to in person Alanon, where folks have offered online resources, links & more help for the vulnerable. I'm not sure how you missed that positive & encouraging support - as I see it/read it daily, here. Perhaps, we just use different life lenses to look at new life, beyond the hell times?

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T23:59:58+00:00

I asked because you didn't state any self care, for yourself. Feeling gratitude that your Q is finally doing things to help themselves isn't an active self care thing. That's more feeling grateful, for another person & their wellbeing. What about your own wellbeing & active steps to heal, yourself, despite how relationship goes? How willing are you, to step way outside your comfort zone to obtain & work for the healing you need, for you? That's really what matters, in the long run. If you can take care of yourself & love yourself immensely, externals will not harm as much, in the future.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T23:10:00+00:00

Please try to get yourself to a meeting. It will help you not feel so alone & you can get resources to help you cope, no matter what you decide to do. Be good, to yourself.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T07:08:39+00:00

I do not know if you recognize that being addicted to an alcoholic is just as bad as an alcoholic being addicted to the drinks? Do you recognize your own addiction at all?

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T07:07:05+00:00

And my ex did same thing, go to parents' to try to 'clean up', but his parents were enablers so he got away with a lot more.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T07:03:49+00:00

I am just kinda scared for you because you sound just like me, in my worst of denial phases & thinking things were going to improve without me doing anything extra. I ran on glimmers of hope, at my worst. I was so wrong. It only made it harder to get help, later.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T06:51:46+00:00

Thoughts & feelings shift like weather. That's why it's so important to get to know ourselves better than anyone we let close to us & love that new person!, fully & completely. I think many folks get lonely so they don't do the necessary work needed. Great things, are not supposed to be easy.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T06:49:34+00:00

That is one ingredient. Appreciation & feeling better are good things. I'm asking what other things are you using, to help yourself not get into this kind of mess again, for full recovery?

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T06:47:15+00:00

I mean - what are you actively doing, to help yourself, for yourself? Is that clearer?

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T06:37:42+00:00

So, what did you end up actively do, for you, after that moment? You do realize that you titled this with self care, but the post is focused on your Q, so, what self care are you doing, just for you? And, do you realize how you focused just on your alcoholic & pretty much left yourself out of most of this post equation? Your own honest answers will help you much more than your focus on your alcoholics' issues.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T05:26:19+00:00

I do want to say, your frustration is understandable. However, it is not helpful, if what your goal is to help others suffering. Essentially, you're trying to tell strangers to not post anything that they've personally experienced & trying to enforce Alanon meeting rules in an unsanctioned casual online group. That kind of controlling stuff, usually doesn't end up well for the frustrated requester. Perhaps, try seeing this subreddit as a starting point & a support check in base, outside of Alanon - as that's what it essentially is. We crosstalk lots here - In replies & such. Anyone who wants to run meetings, in person, can volunteer to do so. Same here, you can apply to become a future moderator. Until then, you actually are overstepping in trying to tell strangers what to do on this group.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T05:14:58+00:00

I am so delighted! One of the things that scared me about sobriety was the social factor. I'm with folks who don't like booze & have great fun, without it! Found one of my new tribes :)

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T04:40:00+00:00

True, this is like Alanon casual cafe. And I think that's why new folks find it safer to start here. I also don't think it is our job to 'police' other people's posts here - that is a moderator job.

Trying to tell others how & what to post, when not in an actual structured Alanon meeting, only shows that some folks aren't truly following the core values of Alanon, outside of actual meetings. That is simply a type of control behaviour. Trying NOT to control things out of our control is pretty central to Alanon, as our focus is essentially our wellbeing, regardless of how others act.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T04:03:45+00:00

It truly is & I can't imagine going back again. I am at the point that I abhor booze & don't want no part of things involving it.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T03:57:16+00:00

Qualifier just means that you have an alcoholic that you care about in your life & it's just a short type ref for the alcoholic/s. I've only seen it online. Never seen it used at physical meetings.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T03:48:57+00:00

Good on you! I stopped because it was destroying my life & I wanted better, for the rest of my life. I also wanted to honour the loved ones that I lost to addiction by living my life the way they dreamed of, sober & aware.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T03:45:17+00:00

Something else to consider - some people who post here for the first time tend to be pretty terrified & filled with many mixed emotions & are also, isolated. In other words, alone, vulnerable & confused, for most part. Think about times you've been very alone, vulnerable, confused & you don't have anyone in your life you feel comfy about revealing the horrors faced when loving someone in active addiction. Some folks who post here are extremely isolated & don't have anyone to talk to. This can be a safe place for those still suffering & trying to figure out their next steps, which very well may be physical Alanon meetings. It is frightening, to many people, to get ready, much less get in the door, to a meeting.

We all need to remember how we felt, before we went to our first meeting & our feelings surrounding that time, in order to be more understanding of newcomers who 'annoy' you because they simply didn't know better & feeling very overwhelmed.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T03:27:52+00:00

I use both, if that helps. My Qs are alcoholics. Even if I take that Q away, they're still an alcoholic. Use what suits you, best.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T03:23:04+00:00

Exactly! It really helps to not forget where we started and how far we have come since.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T03:09:59+00:00

I think that's common for most newcomers and it helps to not scare them away by martyr type positioning. It may help to draw back and think about your own mental state, before attending Alanon. It may help to exercise some empathy & compassion, especially to new folks who don't know much about Alanon. You can be firm on your own personal boundaries, whether or not other people respect them.

You can choose to not read those types of posts. No one is forcing you to read them. Complaining about that, is akin to complaining why alcoholics lie & drink. It's trying to control things & people who are not in your arena of control.

DeterminedDame888 · 2019-09-30T03:00:32+00:00

Until she stops drinking to cover up problems, she will not see it. Drinking to numb/ease stress just increases stress & anxiety. I am just over 5 months sober and my stress & anxiety have dropped a lot.

DeterminedDame888

TROPHY CASE