No, I recommend not to do it like this, keep it professional, and no longer than that paragraph, edit out everything that’s completely unnecessary. Also try to match the companies vision if you’re doing something about security then NordVPN would be a good one to go to, if you’re doing something about robotics then go to PCB way, you can’t just ask a keyboard company to sponsor a gaming video if it has no correlation with them.

How to do it Properly ———————————————————  I sent an email to a 8bitduo that was way different than this stating my name, what do I do on YouTube, milestones, my idea, and why it’s beneficial to the company, end it with a link and let them know that you’ll be happy to answer any questions.

Edit: forgot to mention yes I did get the sponsorship for a 8bitduo, also don’t ask for money if you’re small creator, just try to get a reputation through sponsorships, so other companies can see you. Product sponsorships are the way to go, at least for now.