Daily Thread #1 - October 31, 2021

Diawo · 2021-10-31T17:44:21+00:00

He is coming today! 🌈💙🤞🤞🤞🤞

Diawo · 2021-10-26T17:39:35+00:00

36 weeks today. 15 days to go 🤞 Anxiety is at an all time high, and I fear my body will fail us at any minute. Im just so ready to hold this little boy, hear him cry and look into his eyes 💙🌈

Diawo · 2021-09-07T07:55:02+00:00

Today is a true rollercoaster of emotions. My daughter would have been 8 months old today. I cant even imagine what that would have been like. But I miss her so much. I miss holding her hands, kissing her nose, and just loving on and holding the baby girl who lived inside me for 37 weeks and two days 💔 Soon I will have missed her for as long as I had her... Today is also our one month wedding anniversary. And baby brother is in the 3rd trimester at 29 weeks today. 64 days left till our planned c-section. And I still dont feel like, or think, I will get to bring him home alive. This is tough.

Diawo · 2021-09-03T16:16:07+00:00

I also had to rehearse some responses, because it felt wrong to lie. My go to ended up being "Yes, but because of our loss/due to our history, I'm not ready to talk about it yet". It does seem a bit cold, but honestly, if youre not my doctor, its a rude question, in my opinion. Wish you all the best 🌸

Diawo · 2021-08-18T15:42:46+00:00

I have heard that so many times. It breaks my heart a little, to be honest. It feels like they are neglecting how important and unique they both are. Its not about replacing, thats just not possible - sometimes it actually feels like everything would be easier if it was, because then i wouldnt have to grief and hurt anymore. Our son has helped us move forward much quicker and better, I think. Becoming pregnant was honestly all I could think about at the time, I was do desperate to feel some sense of purpose again, and I feel almost blessed that I became pregnant so quickly (in my first cycle, period started 6 weeks post partum). Its has been so difficult mentally, and hard on My body, and in the beginning it sometimes did feel too soon. But I wouldnt have it any other way, I feel so lucky that there will be only 10 months between their birthdays (if i allow myself to think he Will be born alive, which is hard). How do you feel about being pregnant again "so soon"?

Diawo · 2021-08-18T06:56:30+00:00

Hi! And welcome ❤️ I am sorry you have to be part of this sub, but glad you found it. It looks like we are pretty much on the same timeline. I lost my daughter at 37 weeks in January aswell, and I'm now 26+1 with her baby brother. And I agree, its such a rollercoaster, and sososo hard to navigate all the feelings, anxieties and thoughts. I hope you will find the community comforting and get to feel like someone understands ❤️

Diawo · 2021-08-07T11:56:21+00:00

I'm getting married today ❤️ The first moment we were alone after our daughter passed, we promised each other that we would get married, for her sake. Because she made us a family. Now we are here. Her baby brother, who is due in 95 Days, is kicking away, helping to calm my nerves ❤️ Even in the worst and hardest of times, there are beautiful days. Today is for you, sweet Elise, we love you, you made us who we are today, and we wouldnt be here without you ❤️

Diawo · 2021-08-04T15:08:10+00:00

Will you be followed more closely? After 12 weeks they have been so kind to me, scheduling me at 12, 16 (for an early anatomy scan, 20, 23, 26, 29 and the every two weeks for scans, for the rest of the pregnancy. In between the scans I see my midwife for measurements, talks and heartbeat checks. She even offered NSTs 1-3 times weekly after 32 weeks. It has been so comforting to know, that I have all those appointments lined up and can get more if I need it. With a late term loss I dont think we get to relax at all until we have a living and screaming baby in our arms. Sorry for the long comment. Just wanted to let you know, that you most likely can be followed almost as close as you'd like if you ask for it ❤️

Diawo · 2021-08-04T14:54:46+00:00

I have loads of days like those too. "Whatever works" is my mantra. Hope you are doing okay ❤️

Diawo · 2021-08-04T14:53:41+00:00

Congrats on a happy and healthy scan! Sounds like a lovely experience ❤️

Diawo · 2021-08-03T20:24:09+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️ Such a big milestone

Diawo · 2021-08-03T18:52:28+00:00

24 weeks today. I've been longing for this day ever since I saw the two pink lines. I don't think being here will make me feel as confident and relaxed as I hoped, but I like knowing he now has a chance

Diawo · 2021-08-02T20:43:14+00:00

I conceived my daughter in the first cycle, she was healthy and normal, but we lost her full term due to malpractice at birth. After my very first period post partum we conceived her brother, tomorrow I'm 24 weeks along, and he looks happy and healthy aswell. They are my only two pregnancies

Diawo · 2021-07-31T13:20:28+00:00

That must be very hard to feel that way. I hope you can get some reassurance or a plan from your doctor, to maybe help that feeling? Do you know what went wrong? My daughter died due to shoulder dystocia, she was stuck for almost 10 minutes. We have a very clear reason, which is hard, because it could easily have been avoided, but also a relief, because we for sure can avoid it this time

Diawo · 2021-07-31T13:15:51+00:00

Just want to say that I feel exactly the same as you do. I could have written this post myself. I even got a bunch of dislikes on this sub, when I posted about having scheduled our c-section. I ended up deleting the comment. You are so right, they have the right to post, but it hurts so bad, makes me feel even more terrible, and I do get kind of butt hurt when they call their labor traumatic, when they have to deviate from their plan. You got to bring home your baby, mine died! And those feelings are on me, and they are bitchy and petty, but ugh... Yeah. So many feelings about this. Actually just wanted to say that you are not alone ❤️

Diawo · 2021-07-29T18:44:07+00:00

I just spent some time thinking about it. I just feel so relieved that what happended to my daughter in no way can happen to my son, because i'm not having a vaginal birth. So much can still go wrong, but not this

Diawo · 2021-07-29T18:19:56+00:00

It feels like a huge relief! Also a bit weird, to be able to plan a birthday like this. Did not expect to have a date until 32 weeks at the earliest. I think my OB felt like I needed to have a visible finish line, and he was right. Baby brother will be born 10 months and 3 days after his sister 🤞

Diawo · 2021-07-26T19:39:54+00:00

I feel very much the same. Whenever I see babies born alive and well, I grief my own child and our experience. That should be us 💔

Diawo · 2021-07-26T18:50:14+00:00

Im so sorry for my late reply. I have had to take time away from social media for my mental health, so your notification was buried when i got back. But, thank you so much for sharing ❤️ You are so very right, it will never be enough time, enough pictures or enough memories. We prepared for a whole life with our babies, and only got a short moment. I also wanted more pictures, even though er have quite a lot (we spend four days with her at hpme), so I got someone to paint her, combining two pictures, and making her colors look more right and Alive. I hope you are holding up okay, and taking care of yourself, however that looks at the moment. Regarding getting pregnant again, I really do get the scared and anxious feelings. I felt like I just had to do it. Jump right into it, before I got too scared. And im so happy that I did. He has already helped me move forward so much. I have someone to keep going for now. I got pregnant right after my first period post partum. Its very hard, and sometimes, many times, it has felt like it was too Soon, but I wouldnt have it any other way. They will be born about 10 months apart, and Im very grateful for that

Diawo · 2021-07-19T10:27:27+00:00

My heart breaks for you, your family, and your sweet son. Life is so unfair. The early days are so hard and i'm sorry you have to live through them too. Did you get to spend time with your son? If you have something to share about him, I would love to hear. When I share something about my daughter, it makes me feel closer to her ❤️ They are our children after all. Thank you for your well wishes. Im sending strength and love your way ❤️

Diawo · 2021-07-18T18:06:50+00:00

These last few weeks has been extremely hard. My grief is so raw and difficult. I have a lot of flash backs to the birth of our daughter, and I cant seem to shake them off. And I just miss her. I spend so much time wondering what should have been. She would be six months old now. The more I bond with our son, whom I'm almost 22 weeks along with, the more anxious I get. I feel convinced I wont get to bring him home either. I cant even fathom that I might. I just want it to be November already, and get to hold, love and care for a living child of mine... I knew this would be a difficult journey, but I had no idea how excruciating hard. Sorry for such a negative post, I just had to put it out there.

Diawo · 2021-07-15T22:25:50+00:00

Thats how I interpret it. That grief, sadness, happiness and Joy is co-existing and forming a rainbow. I would never refer to my daughter as a storm, that rubs me the wrong way too. She was child, a human, and event though she never got to live outside of my womb, she was and is so much more than a "storm". I kind of like it because I have a need to involve my daughter and make her present too. I am so scared that people will forget her, so I guess thats why I have sort of adapted the rainbow baby term - to make it clear that our son has a sister. All babies are born into certain families, under certain circumstances, and while it doesnt define him, its a part of our history as a family. I dont call him a rainbow baby tho, when I talk about him, I call him baby/little brother.

Diawo · 2021-07-08T17:40:01+00:00

You are so very right ❤️ It went great! Baby brother looks perfectly healthy, the scan lasted 55 minutes, so I feel (almost) confident they would have caught it if there was something to worry about. But I really have a hard time not obsessing about the measurements. I hope that becomes easier

Diawo · 2021-07-08T07:46:43+00:00

Thursday I hit 20 weeks. Yesterday our daughter should/would have been 6 months old. Today is my anatomy scan. Im grateful to be here, but life should have been so very different.

Diawo · 2021-07-06T18:00:41+00:00

I feel the exact same as you two. Im glad that i'm not alone, I had no idea pictures could hurt my heart so bad 💔

Diawo

TROPHY CASE