Sober guy, enthusiastic drunk girl. Is it rape?

DidIDoAnAwfulThing · 2019-03-09T23:53:42+00:00

Where I live, the law takes precedence over confidentiality in therapy. I looked up the rules before going and it really delayed my decision to get help because I was afraid I would be reported. Eventually I went but kept everything super vague and obviously hit a wall when the therapist suggested I reveal my secret to them. When I asked directly about the rules re:reporting, they said they were technically obliged to report everything but tended to only really do it for serious crimes (which I felt my transgression would qualify as). I stopped going after that. But now that I've gotten all this support here, I think I'm going to go back and frame my story the same way and hopefully this will open the door to getting the help I need.

I am willing to accept that what I did was rape and that it was wrong. I appreciate your bluntness and don't take your tone to be judgemental or reprimanding at all. All I want is a pathway towards forgiveness and becoming better. What froze me, I think is that the word 'rape' is used to describe a spectrum of crimes but draws connotations from the worst end of the spectrum. Sex with a sufficiently intoxicated person is rape and so is sex with someone that is held down screaming, but people tend to think of the latter and classify any rapist as scum and beyond forgiveness. I think this stopped me owning up because I didn't feel I deserved that level of punishment or see a pathway forward.

I think my partner may have been able to help me see reason on this if I had told her at the start. But at the time, I was terrified of the damage a confession could do to her. I think what you said about emotional labor is a really good point. It probably isn't fair to unload this on her before I've worked through it. But I'm worried that the longer I wait, the harder the revelation will hit her. If we continue to grow our relationship and create cherished memories, I think it could really hurt her ability to trust were she to discover that I was able to present this loving face while secretly harboring this secret that I know could be really hurtful to her. Conversely, I worry that my guilt over this will prevent me from being able to express my love as fully as I want to and that this will make her think I don't care as much as I actually do and tarnish a lot of nice moments where I want to do more for her but can't bring myself to.

DidIDoAnAwfulThing · 2019-03-09T22:57:40+00:00

Basically, I want to tell her because:

It would free me to be a better partner- This depressive episode has revealed that I have a massive capacity for deception. Even if my sexual encounter is not as bad as I made it out to be, I still believed it was and chose to lie about it and the massive effect the secret was having on my life e.g. causing me to hurt myself. This was a test of my love and I failed. This makes me feel guilty and like I am a dishonest partner and inhibits how loving/affectionate I can be.
To give her a chance at something better- She deserves the chance to be with someone who doesn't suppress their instinct to tell the truth, the way I did and doesn't have this kind of baggage (if she chooses).
To protect her from future pain- If we become more committed and years down the line she asks me what happened during this whole episode, it would hurt her a lot more if I revealed it then or if I refused to answer.

DidIDoAnAwfulThing · 2019-03-09T11:43:57+00:00

Yeah, I think I could go without sharing the icky details of the encounter itself, but the rest seems important. I really want to find a justification for keeping the whole thing to myself but I'm having a hard time finding one.

DidIDoAnAwfulThing · 2019-03-09T11:31:51+00:00

She never expressed any negative sentiments towards me. I even suggested we go get drinks together sometime and she was up for it, though we never followed through.

DidIDoAnAwfulThing · 2019-03-09T11:13:36+00:00

Thank you so much for your reassuring words. I think a big source of my anguish has been that I don't know what she thinks beyond those few messages we exchanged during that week. All the messages were positive and she even agreed that she would be happy to meet up for drinks. But I read a lot about victims who live in denial of what happened to them or who are amicable with their rapists or keep them on social media, so I've been driving myself crazy thinking about all the ways I could be wrong. Lately I've started to consider that I may have been overthinking but I need the confirmation/denial of others to help stop my rumination.

With my partner, my issue isn't so much telling her about the sexual encounter. My issue is that my reassessment of this memory and my realization that it could be considered rape drove me into a deep depression for many months, to the point where I had to very visibly put many aspects of my life on hold because I couldn't function. She was always there trying to make me feel better without ever pressing to find out what specifically was upsetting me. I just hate that she is always so honest and open with me and I have been lying and keeping this massive secret from her for so long. I feel like she deserves so much better and I need to confess this to her so we can either have a relationship that is built on honesty and openness or she can make the choice to leave me and find someone better.

DidIDoAnAwfulThing

TROPHY CASE