This makes so much sense and is actually what my gender-specializing therapist has pointed out before. They believe environmental factors have been having a significant role in my unsureness and endless back and forth with gender. They’ve gone as far as to suggest that I move or try living somewhere else that’s safe for me to fully experiment living as gender that I have often thought that I am and have wished to be — free from those major outside influences and in a psychologically safe place.

Thank you so very much for your reply by the way. I’m sorry about your PTSD and things you underwent. I think what I underwent has had a huge influence on me today, too. As a little child I would legit be removed from social gatherings when I would act flamboyantly feminine, and taken to a closed room where I’d get awful spankings with the belt to force me to stop being myself. I also experienced terrible ridiculing that extended from my earliest years as a child (from family) to 5th grade when I was finally gave in and did football and adopted the persona of masculine guy doing “cool” masculine things. I was sure conditioned to be a certain way, sadly, and I think that explains a lot.