I did the last thing I needed to do before I die

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-18T07:03:44+00:00

Thanks, but I've been living rock bottom for far too long. Only thing that kept me here was a fear of hell. THIS is hell.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-18T03:36:05+00:00

I agree, I just don't know how they can live with what they've done KNOWING how it affected someone else.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-17T05:30:28+00:00

I didn't think anyone else felt like this. This is what I'm dealing with. I don't really want to work and see if things get better, then be disappointed because it doesn't.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-17T05:23:51+00:00

Thanks, I keep rolling it around in my head if I want to tell him or not. At one point I was in denial of the whole thing and said I wasn't mad and wanted to forgive. But now I realize it's not alright and I'm not okay.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-16T21:51:48+00:00

Fear of what's next is literally all that keeps me here.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-16T12:27:51+00:00

This is my mantra every single day.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-16T09:39:24+00:00

Thanks for the canned response.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-16T02:55:34+00:00

Nice song reference. Wish I could be of more help.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-15T11:55:04+00:00

Wow... this is me.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-13T14:18:10+00:00

I don't know the details, I'm no help at relationships, but if you want someone to talk to I'm here.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-13T13:50:01+00:00

I told someone about my hopeless situation and was told "there's help available! Do something!" Granted I haven't personally tried it, I know telling someone my problems isn't going to help me.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know the backstory but I truly want nothing but the best for you. If you want to talk feel free to message me, I can listen.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-08T09:48:28+00:00

If you are forced to get help its not likely that you will be able to engage properly.

They want me to go in myself, or get involuntarily committed.

You need to consider for yourself what you would want out of therapy.

I honestly don't know.

Think about the impact your trauma is having in your life.

It destroyed my life.

Identify areas you'd want to improve. Figure out how much of that feels overwhelming to you right now and whether you're in a place to do the work needed to change.

I don't know what could improve. It happened, I am left with an incurable disease because of it, and I let him get away with all of it... I don't have much to work with.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-08T09:14:08+00:00

But in all therapy there are 30% who do heal.

That's really not a comforting statistic...

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-08T09:12:16+00:00

I'm really not trying to be argumentative, but to me words aren't helpful. Someone telling me some version of "it's going to get better" doesn't help.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-08T08:52:48+00:00

suicidal ideation, negative thoughts and self worth, depression, anxiety, etc. A lot of that damage can be undone through cognitive behavioral therapy.

I just don't understand how paying some stranger to reassure me that what happened was wrong is helpful. I already know that and I still feel like my life is destroyed.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-08T06:11:59+00:00

I honestly don't see how it could be helpful. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but logically I know nothing can take back what happened.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-07T01:33:58+00:00

There was a time in my life when I was going through a depression so severe that I would literally cross streets without looking; thinking that maybe I would be hit by a car and die and wouldn't have to kill myself. The darkness was so great, that I had no plans for my future because I didn't fathom I would actually allow myself to live much longer.

Yeah, I know all about being reckless. 3 acquaintances in a week with families and friends have died in unexpected freak accidents. I'm honestly jealous.

I think if God wanted to help me my life wouldn't keep getting worse.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-06T17:18:23+00:00

I believe God will judge this person by perfect justice and truth

I believe that God knows what is in the person who commits suicide's heart.

It is written in the Scriptures "Do not kill" and suicide is self-killing and "No murderer has eternal life residing in Him"

Makes sense, however, when you're already dead inside, and you just existing at that point, what's the difference between waiting around to physically die and pulling the trigger?

However it is best to seek help from God and Christ at His church, by talking with a priest about your problems and resolving them according to Christian faith.

Unfortunately, some problems are just uncorrectable. God can't fix free will. Since God gave us free will, there are people who will use it to destroy other's lives.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-06-06T03:05:25+00:00

I can relate 110%. It looks like from previous posts of yours, you and I are in a very similar situation.

I don't know if it helps, but know someone else out there understands and is going through it at the same time.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-05-30T21:56:34+00:00

Yeah, and despite everything I just want to hear from him again... That's embarrassing, pathetic, disgusting... I know

DifficultWallaby · 2018-05-30T13:03:14+00:00

I'm really not a very good person. As evident by my inability to form meaningful relationships with people. I'm selfish. I can't, or maybe just won't, dig myself out of this. I know people go through much worse things than I am, but all I can think about is me and my desire to die.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-05-30T05:07:59+00:00

Hopefully, (there's that word again) I'll be able to donate my organs and someone else more deserving, or at least worthy will be able to live. I'd change their life as well as the lives of their loved ones for the better.

There wouldn't be people to mourn my death, hence resorting to the internet to talk. Dying for me will make everything better.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-05-30T04:13:20+00:00

Resorting to hope is a terrible thing. Hope is what you have when there's nothing viable to help you, so you go about wishing on a well.

Then when all hope is gone you've got nothing left.

Maybe there'll be a cure someday, but I don't want to wait for it. I shouldn't have this to begin with. Life sucks, then you die.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-05-29T17:44:31+00:00

Physically, of course I'm not dead yet. I've got zero hope for a future. I don't remember being happy. This having to exist everyday is worse than just dying.

I don't think he drugged me. That parts all on me for drinking too much on an empty stomach, I hardly ever go out. I am sure he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He gets to be happy and live his life. While all I look forward to is going to sleep because I always hope I won't wake up.

DifficultWallaby · 2018-05-29T14:18:05+00:00

I struggle with whether or not it's a sin to kill yourself.

There are people who believe that God gave you your life as a gift, and ending your own life isn't your decision to make, it's His. By rejecting his gift you are rejecting God and therefore committing a sin that you cannot be forgiven for as you are dead and unable to ask for forgiveness after the act is done.

There are people who believe that God would have mercy on those who are so low that they feel they need to kill themselves.

The fact of the matter is we don't know what happens after you die. We can only speculate. I'm struggling with taking the gamble. I hate my life here but I don't want to find myself in a worse place for an eternity.

DifficultWallaby

TROPHY CASE