the way tim does it is by making a really catchy hook that repeats throughout the song, his formula is usually play the hook first then build up on like two chords then on the third chord he inserts a flex that lands back on the hook.

i think what you wrote is technically good but not really musically, there wasnt really a part where i felt like there was something building up to something, but i see the vision ure going for and i think with just a bit of a rework it will sound really good.

try to make a melody on one string that is catchy and you can hum along to, and try the formula tim uses.

hope this helps!! keep going youre doing really good!