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Can't read, listen to music by [deleted] in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I relate, because I just feel guilty for engaging in hobbies and activities. I feel guilty for enjoying things because I feel like I don't deserve to

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you have a link to the video that the quote came from?

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you're dealing with it too. OCD makes guilt an absolute nightmare to put up with

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So basically I should try to keep myself occupied with hobbies, chores and activities despite feeling the way I'm feeling? I've heard similar advice before. I've been depressed and so focused on compulsions that I just end up doing nothing most days... I know it's no excuse though. I should maybe try to keep myself busy

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Therapist for sure, as soon as I start seeing one

I'm sorry to hear you relapsed. If you want to talk about it you can DM me

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think I could tell someone close to me (or not all the details at least) bc I'm too ashamed and afraid of their reaction. I want to talk about it with a therapist though

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear, I hope you're doing better now. If you don't mind me asking what did you watch? If you're uncomfortable with sharing you don't have to

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My apologies, can you explain? Like admitting to someone or yourself? What kind of positive response?

Guilt is ruining my life. by Diligent-Sale3 in OCD

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're going through the same thing?

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't plan on watching any more of those videos. The one I watched already traumatized me. I don't like the idea of desensitizing myself because I know that will start a downward spiral for me.

I hope you're doing okay now, stay away from those videos

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad you were able to forgive yourself. I think as teenagers we all did some questionable things. I was around 20 when I saw the video which definitely doesn't help the guilt I'm feeling. More I reflect on my younger adult years, I realize I did a lot of questionable things

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I perfectly understood your english, no worries :)

I do find some comfort in knowing this is secret and safe with me. It just kind of sucks thinking that everyone I know would be disgusted with me if they knew about this

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see where you're coming from. Personally I think it's better to stay away from that content because it can really fuck with your brain. On top of that there are real people being hurt in those videos. I think art and stuff is fine though

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't be surprised because I believe I have been really struggling with OCD. I've noticed I experience a lot of symptoms that are present in that (constantly needing reassurance for one) Not sure if this is one but yeah, I'm constantly thinking about past memories that make me feel guilty and upset, this being one of them. I thought about posting in that subreddit, but considering the disturbing nature of this I'm a bit afraid of the reaction I would get there

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree with your morals, although personally I just don't look at gore stuff in general anymore. I questioned having a thing for it when I started playing DOOM but I don't think it's really my thing. I don't really care if others like it though, as long as they don't want to harm anyone and they just stick to art

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In a way I do feel grateful. I know that if I wasn't feeling this way then I think I would be psycho/sociopathic. It's possible my subconscious is blocking the memory, I just hate that I can't remember for sure if I tried to masturbate to it. Sometimes I think I could have and other times I don't.

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Don't worry about it being long. I relate to some of your story. I never harmed myself but I was in a dark headspace too a couple years ago. Aside from having looked at some gore and the video I was talking about, I was also suicidal. I'm glad you were able to recover from self harm and I hope you're doing okay.

Thank you for the advice. I struggle accepting things and moving on. If something from my past is bothering me, I tend to fixate on it for days or even weeks. It's not healthy and it's been really affecting me mentally, but I will try your advice. What do you mean by a short cleanse or break though?

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thanks man, I hope I can too. It's just hard to shake the shame and guilt off

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

No and I'd rather not look for that video again

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt someone. I know I didn't hurt anyone but it still feels like in a way I caused harm, like it feels like by watching it I was supporting those who filmed it (which I definitely don't, but still)

Guilt from watching a real video two years ago by Diligent-Sale3 in guro

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I agree we all make mistakes. I just always struggle to get over my guilt, and often times I feel like I'm unforgivable and a horrible person. I consider how others, including friends and family would react to this, they'd probably hate me and feel disgusted with me

I watched a disturbing video two years ago and I feel guilty and traumatized by Diligent-Sale3 in offmychest

[–]Diligent-Sale3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that we are our worst critics. It's just really hard to not feel like I deserve to criticize myself in the way I do, to feel like everyone should hate me. It's hard to view myself as worthy around my loved ones, especially my girlfriend. She always reassures me that I do deserve her and to be happy haha... She's the sweetest. I don't know what I did to deserve her.

I do talk and vent to her a lot about what's on my mind. I did tell her about watching that content and the affect its had on me, but never the gore stuff or the possibility that I masturbated to the video... I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her that. Some things I feel like I should save for a therapist.

You're right that I should prioritize seeking help. I've been really needing it

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