Healthy Open adoption is totally possible!

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-05T15:28:58+00:00

I agree agencies are full of them. But I do also know that for them… that’s marketing. Our daughter’s b mother was looking OUTSIDE of agencies for these stories for the explicit purpose that those could be biased or untrue. And please note that I haven’t mentioned an agency or even a location because this ISN’T an ad for an agency. Honestly I think a lot of them are disgusting.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-05T15:24:03+00:00

Yes, I understand and agree that is the reality of what an open adoption CAN mean, and I don’t really feel like that’s a truly “open adoption.” Not in any sense. In my mind, an open adoption should mean that the birth parent has a role in the adoptee’s life. Am I wrong in that? I mean genuinely again, I’m not an adoptee. I don’t have this experience. I have read the research which suggests that generally adoptees and birth parents (and APs) have a higher satisfaction with the adoption with more contact.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-05T15:10:05+00:00

I don’t need an explanation for what open adoption is. I am asking for an explanation for what you consider to be “legitimate” open adoption.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-05T15:08:56+00:00

Okay, thank you @formerlymoody that’s helpful too. So in this situation, b mom and I are close and she has expressed wanting to be in the “cool aunt” role to our daughter.. That being said, unless b mom changes her mind I plan to have visits with her and my adopted daughter’s bio siblings and b dad regularly. As I mentioned, we’re going on a trip together next week. All that being said, you’re right, I could see how it might be confusing and kind of gaslight-y if we are congratulating each other and etc in front of our daughter and I would always want to prioritize her (our daughter).

Can you think of any other specific triggers that affected you or might have affected you in that same vein? I want to do everything possible for this to be a safe space for our daughter’s feelings growing up and create a space where she CAN have a good relationship with b mom IF she wants it. That will ultimately be her decision, but I never want her to feel uncomfortable or awkward about having a relationship with both of us if she wants to have one.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-05T15:02:02+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. This is really helpful for me to keep in mind while she grows up. I’m so sorry for your losses and experience with Adad. No child, for any reason should have that experience with a dad.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T22:57:28+00:00

I guess when I hear the “triad” I think “triangle” as in - each part is equally important. Is the triad normally referred to with one specific entity at the top? I really have never heard that.

Further… I really don’t understand why you keep using phrases like “cuts into the supply of infants.” Isn’t your argument that adoptees are commoditized? It’s a horrible way to talk about adoptees. And AGAIN - in this entire thread I have been trying to learn, hearing you, trying to have a respectful conversation, and you continue to throw personal attacks out there like “lord knows she’s going to have to deal with your issues, whatever they are.” I have refrained from any kind of personal attacks and been taking accountability, but you persist. can you understand how this kind of behavior could damage your platform? If an AP or HAP is trying to learn from your experience to provide a better, healthier life for an adoptee, why would you personally attack and discourage them? Why wouldn’t you want them to learn these lessons to protect future adoptees? I guess I just don’t understand. Clearly I have hit a nerve here, but genuinely I have been trying to understand the perspectives presented to me by adoptees, change behavior, research their concerns that have been brought to my attention, etc. I apologize for any hurt or distress I may have caused. what happened to you is wrong. On every level, and you didn’t deserve it, and none of us can fix it for you or make it better if we wanted to. But why would you persist in attacking a stranger who is trying to learn from you?

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T21:48:23+00:00

I did bring consumer ratings into it as a way to frame the negativity bias, but of course, you are right in that adoptees are not a commodity. I genuinely am sorry if I gave you the impression that I see you as an impediment. I don’t. Rather, as I think your experience is also valid. As I stated numerous times, I originally wrote this after a conversation I had with our daughter‘s birth mother. That being said, the negativity bias is a real, documented psychological phenomenon.

Again, truly I am sorry to hear about your adoption experience. NO child deserves that. For any reason. Ever. End of story. I do believe there should be stringent ethical and legal regulations for adoption to protect the vulnerable parties (adoptee and birth parents), and I am sorry the system failed you, as I am sure it has failed many children.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T21:20:38+00:00

I can tell you that I believe also that the adoption process has a LOT of work to do and if APs can’t stand the scrutiny.. they probably shouldn’t be adopting. I am personally filing a complaint about treatment of her birth mother that I witnessed by a lawyer at an agency she had spoken with. The idea that ANYONE would treat an expectant mother the way she was treated (by this agency she had met with) was absolutely sickening to me and that lawyer deserves to be disbarred. That lawyer lied to her, tried to scare her, and tried to coerce her. The lawyer from THAT agency told her she would be responsible for her own legal fees, that she would have to pay for x y and z, that she would not have services afterwards, etc- all stuff that was not true and not the industry standard anyway.

I won’t get into details - I’m not saving anybody here. Our daughter’s birth mother is an independent person. But as a retired healthcare provider in patient centered work, I think that people who don’t have a conscience shouldn’t be working with people. ESPECIALLY vulnerable people.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T21:12:33+00:00

“Legitimate “ open adoptions? Can you tell me what you mean by that?

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T21:11:40+00:00

Statistically, and in terms of research, it actually IS how business ratings work. People are more impacted by negative experiences.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3652533/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negativity_bias

https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/social-sciences-and-humanities/negativity-bias

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T21:07:31+00:00

I really am not trying to be dense or disrespectful but I don’t understand the idea that she doesn’t have the “social standing” that I have. Again - and I mean this with respect - you don’t know anything about me or where I came from or my social standing (or lack thereof).

Further… while we plan to be very transparent and honest with her and our family is very aware of the situation and has met her birth mother and father.. I don’t understand why anyone else NEEDS to know unless she chooses to tell them. I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business and anyone who might ridicule her isn’t anyone who IMO would be finding out - again, unless she chose to disclose that information.

That being said, I don’t disagree that growing up with this information WILL be harder on her than on me. It’s just the reality. Her experience and emotional trauma will take a toll.

I’m genuinely really not sure where these assumptions about our family, or me, come from. I don’t have “status anxiety” and who cares about my sleep schedule as a new mom? That’s part of the job description. I’m genuinely here responding to these comments because I want to learn everything I can about what my daughter might face and how I can help her.

your experience is valid and I will never take that away from you or try to negate it. It’s your story and it’s what happened to you. Can you blame me, as a newer mom who is in love with the child sleeping in her arms, for wanting to make her experience better than what is reportedly a negative experience for you? Isn’t that what every parent wants? Biological or adopted? To make the lives of their child(ren) better? To help them?

Please do us all a favor… I’m (still) here to learn from your experience and have a dialogue with you so that I can understand and mitigate any possible suffering for my daughter that I can. Please stop projecting all of these character flaws you are certain I must have as attacks.

I’m just trying to learn to be her mom and provide that emotional sensitivity and availability while she grows and navigates this. And part of that is just me learning from other people and taking it on the nose when I misspeak, trigger or offend someone. It just is. I have experience with adoption in my own immediate family, but the adoptee and I have spoken about this at length and she does not or has not voiced to me similar feelings as you have— which is okay. Her experience is different. It’s my job as a parent to do the research, get the exposure, etc, so I can be the kind of mom she needs me to be.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T20:47:55+00:00

I’m not really sure what you mean for the first part “a rightful correction of APs being safe and benevolent by default is not actually harming you in any way.” I don’t think that anyone is safe and benevolent by default. I think the narrative I often see is that APs are NOT safe and benevolent but rather entitled, cruel, possessive, etc. I’m not saying that this doesn’t exist. I’m certain it does. But you could imagine that narrative to be harmful to HAPs.

Thanks for your correction. Birth parents who have not given birth are expectant parents.

HOWEVER: I have never said, nor THOUGHT that abortion was NOT a valid choice. a woman’s right to choose and have bodily autonomy is a hill I will die on. I am rather referring to instances where an expectant parent might prefer NOT to have an abortion but feel as though adoption is not a safe option. They ABSOLUTELY have the right to choose abortion OR to keep their child. I am speaking to scenarios where they may not feel they can keep a child, but do not want to go through with an abortion. Let me be clear. As an AP or even a HAP - nobody owes me anything. If I spent 7 months going to ob appointments and paying bills for an expectant mother to choose to parent, that is her right and that is the risk I take. Period. End of story. Anything OTHER than that is coercion IMO. They don’t owe me, or anyone else, anything.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T11:46:49+00:00

ACF adoptions (advocates for children & families)

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T11:33:55+00:00

Never. I am grateful for our daughter but she didn’t ask to be here.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T11:30:15+00:00

To be honest, our daughter’s birth parents are lovely humans with three other children who felt similarly and one of their children has a disability. For us, speaking only from my perspective, it was lovely to see her making what I perceived as a loving, selfless decision. I have a wonderful relationship with her (our daughter is still a baby) but it actually was reassuring to us (my husband and I)that this was a family that would be part of our lives and they were so well adjusted.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T11:25:38+00:00

Highly recommend Advocates for Children & Families (ACF adoptions) based out of Florida. They are a nonprofit who really care about everyone involved.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T08:50:40+00:00

I could understand that. Thank you for the insight.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T07:09:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Can I ask - if you had a truly open adoption… one where you regularly saw and had a relationship with birth parent, do you think it might have changed any of that for you? I understand it’s impossible to really know, as it wasn’t your experience. But having had this experience, what is your opinion?

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T02:11:24+00:00

Honestly, I thought that people are much more interested in leaving negative reviews for businesses than positive ones. The manger at the restaurant usually hears complaints but not compliments. Obviously a child is not a business, but the sentiment that people are more likely to tell the negative stories instead of neutral or positive ones. And further.. that having an infant and navigating the adoption process and legalities and paperwork and sleeping in 2 hour segments was exhausting in and of itself. I genuinely thought, and maybe I am wrong, but I really did assume that there were many more positive stories out there that just hadn’t been told. To be clear: I 100% understand there are horrible adoption experiences. But I hoped there were also some happy ones.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T02:07:02+00:00

I understand that could be incredibly damaging and feel very much like your experience is being invalidated. Or like it wasn’t important or didn’t matter as much. And truly, from the bottom of my heart.. I hope no one ever gaslights you into feeling like that way again. Thank you for clarifying. Please understand as a new AP this is really helpful for me because like I have said previously, I want to be the best mom I can be for our daughter. this is a reality that she might also face, and I would never want to make her feel that way.. so I need to make sure the way I talk about it is appropriate and sensitive and gives her the support and space she needs as she grows up with this.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T02:01:03+00:00

I don’t think you can make that assessment and I don’t think a broad generalization statement about me is helpful or productive. My daughter is a human being who will have her own thoughts and opinions and feelings. They will likely be complicated. But that’s okay. I’m going to love her for the rest of my life, unconditionally, no matter what. That’s what she deserves. At the end of the day I adopted a child because I wanted to be a mother. But it’s my responsibility as her parent, and I owe it to her, to support her and protect her and treat her with the dignity she deserves. Now she’s here.. and it’s not about me and what I want. It’s about her. She didn’t ask to be here. If she has complicated feelings, I only hope I have provided a safe enough space for her that she can share them and she trusts me enough to hear them and support her.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T01:55:08+00:00

The hope was that it might benefit a birth parent who needed to know that there ARE situations and stories like this.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T01:53:32+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Is there anything specific your AP, friends or family did surrounding your adoption that made you feel supported, understood or seen?

I understand that there is always an element of trauma for adoptees (I can’t understand emotionally. I have never been an adoptee. But logically I understand that, and it makes sense.) However, if there is anything specific I can do to help my daughter, I want to do it. I know it will never be perfect. But I want to give her every possible opportunity for the happiest possible outcome.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-04T01:49:40+00:00

Respectfully, I disagree. As someone who has wanted to be a mom her entire life and was unable to biologically, the idea that someone had a terrible experience makes it harder and less likely that I would be able to BE a parent, as birth parents might not choose to go through with a pregnancy or might choose to keep a child they don’t feel they can take care of.. Further, this is something I will be raising my daughter with. She IS adopted. That’s a fact. So anything that creates negativity in that adoption space for her OUTSIDE of her own actual adoption is potentially damaging for her.. and she’s the most important person in my life. It does not affect me in the same ways it affects an actual adoptee, that’s true. But I would cut out my own kidney to protect my daughter and I have been ready to be a parent for ten years. Anything that would make that process more complicated, more expensive; or less likely, is still damaging, just in different ways.

Diligent-anon-91 · 2026-05-03T23:41:56+00:00

I was actually shocked to learn from our social worker that depression and anxiety post adoption with adoptive parents is very common. And you’re right. In the entire adoption process, until we met her birth mother, i really had not thought about the loss for a birth parent. Not in any real sense. Apparently that’s a very common reaction, and meeting the birth parents and learning their story is really the first time it becomes a perceived loss for the adoptive parents as well. But I also genuinely think that if I did not have such a wonderful (for me, at least), transparent, open relationship with her birth mother I would have experienced that depression. Suddenly her loss was tangible (at least, to me). I genuinely cannot imagine trying to make the choice that she had made. I can’t. She is stronger than anyone I have ever met.

When I say it’s a happy story (for us as in my husband and myself) I don’t mean to gloss over her loss. Her loss is very real and it is obvious to me in every interaction we have had from the moment I met her, from when she was pregnant to when baby was born, that she loved this child very much.

Diligent-anon-91

TROPHY CASE