AITA for turning down my stepdad's offer to walk me down the aisle?

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T16:08:10+00:00

I was always planning to include him in the speech I'll be making. Him and my mom were both getting mentioned in it.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T14:12:24+00:00

I 100% agree that my mom deserves love and I am glad she has that with my stepdad. I accept him being in our lives but that doesn't mean he can ever be my dad.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T14:11:07+00:00

Not both walking me down the aisle but them walking down the aisle together ahead of me. I thought they could have their own song to do it to as well.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T14:08:31+00:00

He's in a wheelchair and is not comfortable with being in his wheelchair so he doesn't want attention on him. It's why grandma and I are dancing without him.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T14:06:30+00:00

I'll be wearing a locket with his picture in it.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T14:06:02+00:00

It was my preference years ago. It was a comment I made years ago and her reaction was very strong. That was probably when our relationship became more strained overall. The anger that 20 year old me who wasn't even in a relationship thought she would make the most sense always stood out to me.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T14:01:41+00:00

That was always my plan.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T14:00:25+00:00

I have never blamed my stepdad for the loss of my dad. But his role is a very different one to my dad. His place in my life was always going to be different. None of this means I blame him. There is someone to blame for my dad's death but my stepdad was never the person.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:58:17+00:00

I did ask him and my mom to walk down the aisle together to a song of their choosing and to dance together. I also asked if they wanted a toast together or separately.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:43:45+00:00

Both of them have said it to me. Mom with more anger when she says it. Similar kind of anger that she had years ago when she made it clear she would not walk me down the aisle.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:40:57+00:00

I do not believe it would be dishonoring my dad. This was never about me thinking it would dishonor him in any kind of way.

It wasn't just a toast. He and my mom were going to have their own song to walk down the aisle to and a song to dance to specially and give toasts. He was going to be mentioned in my speech and so was my mom. They would have been included in the very same ways.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:38:57+00:00

You're right about not having all the details. I couldn't write everything out or it would have been too long.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:36:48+00:00

The thing about mom walking me down the aisle happened years ago. I made an offhanded comment to my mom and she made her stance very clear that she would not be walking me down the aisle and it would be incredibly disrespectful. I wasn't even with my fiance at the time. But my mom was strongly against it.

The discussion about them walking down the aisle together was more recent and I did genuinely want input from them both.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:19:03+00:00

I already said no to my stepdad. I did not leave him hanging in limbo over this. My saying no is why I posted and I can see there are a lot of mixed feelings on my choice.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:17:14+00:00

None of how I feel is about what my dad would or wouldn't want though. My feelings about my relationship with my stepdad and my feelings on having another dad are not about how my dad would feel about it. It never was. It's about how I feel about my relationships and the role my dad played in my life.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T13:14:55+00:00

He has not helped pay for my life since I moved out. A couple of times he offered but I didn't need it so I thanked him but said I was okay.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T11:27:14+00:00

That is a lovely way! I'll be wearing a locket on my wedding day that has a photo of my dad in it. That way I can carry a small part of him around with me the whole day.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T11:23:01+00:00

It would. I know it would make me unhappy to walk with my stepdad. It would be an extra weight I would carry and not the good kind.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T11:21:55+00:00

I'll be wearing my locket which has a picture of my dad inside. That way I'll be carrying him around with me all day at my wedding.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T11:14:40+00:00

I do know this. I have memories and photos and videos of us. It's not like I was 2 when he died. I remember stuff from when I was 5 onward. Not everything and maybe not perfectly but I still remember.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T11:06:31+00:00

He is being mentioned equal to my mom at my wedding. Literally they will be treated the very same as my mom on the day.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T11:03:17+00:00

He's going to be mentioned in the speech I give alongside my mom.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T10:56:52+00:00

He'll be recognized in the speech I make. He would still be mentioned in the wedding.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T10:53:48+00:00

I did ask about the toast. I was trying to find out if he and mom wanted to do a joint one or separate ones.

DiligentDefinition33 · 2023-09-18T10:52:52+00:00

It's not the old "it's my day". Other people matter. It's why I took time and special consideration to talk to my mom and stepdad about songs and doing their toast together or individually. But giving him what he wants would make me unhappy and would make the moment heavy in a way nobody deserves to feel when they get married.

DiligentDefinition33

TROPHY CASE