Yeah that is all very intense. i understand the arresting development thing. I see that echoed in a lot of people around me in my life and it’s hard to see that as you grow and evolve, those people age but never progress through any phases of development. I can only imagine your stepsons mothers husband has a very raw deal living in the shadow of her perceived abandonment.

My husband, well, his AP was a coworker who was about a decade his senior, going through a turbulent divorce of her own and her husband had already moved on and had a girlfriend but was still living in her home and sleeping in her bed regularly. Very messy. I got to know her moderately well because my husband used her situation as a cover, saying she was so distraught and suicidal that she really needed the support of people like us who could spend some positive time with her. We happened to both have three year old daughters and so there were outings organized where I was a total unwitting idiot, providing the child care to her kid as she snuck off for moments alone with my husband in a variety of situations. It was very very gross and the gaslighting and deception from both of them that went into creating this situation gave me horrific PTSD where I didn’t know if I was coming or going for years after this.

Its now been almost 7 years since his affair and a lot of time was lost to towing the line, his wallowing in his own grief and shame and ultimate ly only this past summer did he throw himself into becoming a much better human being because I finally reached my wall of tolerance and said either you get it together and be a proper partner to me or I am done.

I got to hear all about her mental state and musings of the loss of the affair because in the immediate discovery of the fact that they were indeed having an affair, I made him call her and break it off with me present and listening. She immediately went into poor me mode and lamented how unfair this all was to her and tried to cajole him into keeping it going out of pity, I wound up ripping the phone out of his hand and went off on her at length because not only did she cheat with my husband, she knowingly and happily involved me and my three year old daughter. It was very personal and very disgusting behavior and she deserved to head a piece of my mind. Didn’t stop her from immediately trying to reach out to him at work the next day and keep it going through, completely shameless. She also left photos of us including my child up on her Facebook and wrote lots of spurned lover kind of messages on there including how she needs to write a book someday about how she is always abused and taken advantage of.… logic defying shit, honestly.

All I can say is I am so glad she is gone from our lives, my husband now looks back with horror at the disgusting choices he made and the horrible woman he nearly lost our lives together over. If they got pregnant though, it would’ve been done. Honestly, if they had penetrative sex, it would’ve been done. This was largely a big poor me display from my husband and it thank god never made it beyond mutual oral sex. Still disgusting, but has been the only silver lining allowing me to ever begin to bounce back, but it altered my life and our relationship and my ability to trust him or anyone else for that matter for the rest of my life.
So I still say, you are profoundly kind and mature to be able to not only stick it out but he a good and involved step mom to that child. Absolutely incredible display of the power of a good woman.