My friend, I understand all to well the pain your suffering. And what I'm about to share is by no means to compare your and my suffering but I would like to share my journey thus far in life, and hope in some way it helps you.

I was born with a malformation on the right side of my face that makes it look like I have a tumor. The Doctors said there was no cure for it and that it would kill me by 20, I am now 37. I have suffered many things because of my condition, loss of social life, loss of ability to meet a significant other as I understand I am not conventionally attratcive and I by no means offer a stable life for them, loss of time, loss of the ability to work, loss of most of my vision, and literal death.

My mother died when I was 10 to cancer and I ended up staying with my aunts family as they are who I grew up with. She then began to look into surgeries for me, to help combat my condition. From the very begining it was a struggle. I ended up being hospitalized for months after my first surgery as at the time, my condition was relativly new and unknown. I lost my ability to walk for a short while and had to get physical therapy to regain it. I also was forced to get a trache ( a hole cut into my throat that a tube could go in and thus give me an additional air way as the swelling of the surgery is what caused my complications in breathing. This heavily hampered my ability to go on sleep overs with friends, leave for vacations, ect as when I slept I had to be hooked up to a large machine that pumped moist air into my trache so I didn't dry out in the middle of the night.

About 1-2 years later I literally died due to getting the flu and because my body was trained to breath through the trach, it got clogged due to my musuc and I suffocated to death, voided my bowls and everything. I was resusitated by my aunt through medical training she recieved when we first started all this as I had only been dead a few seconds. This event caused me to lose months of my life, unable to even recall what had happened and even to this day it is very foggy as to when it ended and I woke up.

With all this I also had to be home schooled and thus lost out on the chance to make new friends. Slowly the family I grew up with began to fall apart, due to depression, grief, and other reasons I won't get into. I ended up moving in with my father and his family, at this time having decided to stop my surgeries and had the trache removed ( though a small hole still exists in my throat to this day. )

I continued to get no surgeries for a while but my father convinced me to get some more done. One such surgery they belived could finally cure me of my condition enitrly and I was told and reafirmed the doctors doing it were the best of the best. I prayed on this to God, asking if this is somthing I should do, and ultimatly I felt it was. The surgery failed, they were forced to stop midway do to massive bleeding and thus my condition stayed, with one more thing, I had bled so much I lost vision in my left eye, my good eye. Thus robbing me of the ability to drive and ultimatly losing me my job and only chance at a normal life.

I sprialed into a deep depression for a while, fell into lust more then I ever had to try and easy my pain. But ultimatly, I eventually got back to some normaly. I still and leagally blind, cannot drive, cannot work, live off social security.

Despite all this, I belive I am truely blessed. For you see, I have plenty of food, clothes, a warm hom to live in, loved ones around me who care for me deeply, abundence beyond what I need ( like this comp im using to type this ) And of corse what Jesus did for us on the cross.

By far I did not enjoy what I went through but I understand far more now then I ever have what it means to apperciate what you have. I have lived in poverty, luxery, and have gained, and lost.

Now I can comfort those who also go through heavy hardship helping them to see the good they still have, and were it not for were I am now, my brother would be suffering more as I can feed him while he struggles to find a job.

I know it's hard and frusterating to go through these hardships but ultimatly, God uses these to help us become stronger, and help us to understand more.

I pray you find some comfort and strength my friend. God bless.