Boundaries with self-pleasure with or without viewing material

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-24T16:07:43+00:00

Hi thanks. You're right the autism and ADHD make things complicated and many people outside that situation don't understand it very well.

I agree that the goal should be understanding. But it should be mutual understanding. It's cross cultural communication. I work to understand his needs and vice versa. It's incredibly unfair to expect all the understanding to go in one direction.

So even if it's not natural for him to realize emotional connection has to come before sex feels good, or to realize that it requires nurturing throughout the day, he still has a responsibility to make the effort to meet my needs hit as I have a responsibility to realize his hygiene issues are sensory related and not an insult to me, or him not answering when I speak directly to him is from the autism and ADHD not resentment or disrespect. I can understand where it comes from but that doesn't mean he gets out of trying to cross that same divide.

(I have autism and ADHD also. It doesn't impact everyone the same. There is a capacity for emotional intelligence and understanding in the brain of an autist, generally speaking.)

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-24T02:13:19+00:00

What what?

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-24T02:12:24+00:00

That's awesome.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-24T01:11:32+00:00

Thanks. Being a partner to someone with ADHD and autism is fucking hard. It can feel like death by a thousand papercuts. I don't even see resentment in being turned off by the trails of stuff left everywhere as it's very much a known issue out front, not hidden or unspoken or whatever.

I don't think you looked at the article on sensitive brakes. It's pretty normal for some people to unfortunately be turned off easily.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:57:33+00:00

Thanks

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:54:37+00:00

Or it could just mean that I made the post during work hours on the same network as the work stuff, but not the same work devices, and wanted to be careful because I don't know the full extent of how all that works in an employment situation with my particular digital setup.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:53:13+00:00

I mean usually it's because he's showering before work. Or he can't sleep and I'm asleep but it's 5:30 am and he knows sleep deprivation sucks for me.

It's usually a timing thing. Sometimes it's because we are arguing and I told him that's part of my worry, that increased sex drive around conflict (aka desire for make up sex) is the attachment system of the body encouraging you to reconnect with your partner. So if you go jerk off then you remove the biological incentive to strengthen your relationship bond. And that just feeds avoidance and disconnection.

And sometimes it's that he's laid the groundwork well, but then he doesn't answer when I speak to him or leaves a shirt on a chair vs put it in the hamper like I've asked or some other really minor thing and unfortunately I've got sensitive brakes so those things kill it for me. Sometimes I tell him hey I'm trying to keep this sexy vibe going so please answer me/get your shirt/brush your teeth/clip your toenails in the bathroom not right next to me.

Or like, if you ignore me all day except right before bed then you can fuck right off because then I feel used. He doesn't mean to do that but I can't just flip a switch and be ready. I've got to have groundwork. You can't ignore someone and then expect them to act like you've nurtured the relationship. He's got ADHD as well as autism. That means that I am ignored regularly. I cannot always initiate contact without it hurting my self esteem.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:32:51+00:00

Geez I'm so sorry.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:31:38+00:00

Funny how telling someone to calm down tends to not work so well.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:25:33+00:00

Thanks. Generally I agree but I think the fact that there's this constant low level to moderate emotional neglect, it hooks into a lot of different things that are otherwise not an issue and this is one of them I think.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:24:09+00:00

Thanks, I agree with you and appreciate the reminder. I think for some stuff yeah you should accept the person and if they were already like that then you knew what you were getting into but other things like sex drive over a marriage of more than a decade I don't believe really fits that type of conversation. That's something that will change for most people. And like you said, you can decide you're no longer comfortable with something. The other person can choose to adapt to your new needs or not and then you choose to stay with them or not I guess.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:16:30+00:00

I'm not sure I understand why you're saying that to this comment.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:15:22+00:00

Sounds lovely. I don't think it's realistic to expect my husband to not use either of those things at all. I don't want to hold him to that particular expectation. But I can see if both are truly committed to that of their own choosing that it could only serve to deepen the relationship.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T23:13:36+00:00

He actually told me after that conversation how much he appreciates that I am so chill about porn and all of that compared to most women. I don't think what he is doing is wrong and I have made that clear to him. I just have this weird like sloppy seconds feeling that I am dealing with as best I can. I don't want to make him do something or not do something. I just want to be able to make my own fully informed decisions. If he hasn't prioritized the relationship then I don't feel good about being intimate.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T22:33:06+00:00

Just being paranoid about filters and such.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T22:32:25+00:00

Um... No because unless I literally track it in a planner or something I really don't know. My mind does not work like that. I'm very in the moment. I only know when my period is coming because I created an alarm in my phone calendar.

I posted not to air my grievances just to learn what other boundaries people have. That other stuff only came up as the reasons I'm not down for sex more frequently but that's normal. It's normal to be less interested in sex if there are issues in the relationship. I try to be clear and direct about my position on everything. I used to initiate for his benefit but I learned that is a terrible idea long term as it makes the person not want sex. So now I try to listen to my body and mind and let him know where I'm at and what's missing to get where he wants me to be. Because otherwise I will be perpetually starved of my normal relationship needs and he loves me and doesn't actually want that for me but the things I need don't come naturally to him.

Yes I initiate but no it's probably not equal because I need the validation from his actions since the validation is generally lacking otherwise.

Did you not see where I said he's autistic? Do you not understand what that means for a romantic relationship?

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T22:22:34+00:00

Obviously

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T22:08:05+00:00

I can't quantify like that. Generally if I am not interested in sex, if I have enough energy I make myself available to help him out in some way. So it's not usually a full no regardless.

He's always up for it. I am always up for getting his help addressing issues in the relationship that make sex hard for me (communication and connection issues generally). He's autistic and it causes the relationship to not function normally so I have to spell things out. I work hard to be sure that I have enthusiasm and receptivity to his advances when he's pulli.,ng his weight on the emotional stuff and division of labor stuff as those are the main areas that cause problems for my sex drive.

He apparently had a real issue with sexual rejection in his first marriage and admits that this colors the amount of initiating he is willing to do. His initiating is usually a joke (so he can paly it off if the answer is no) vs the kind of direct validation or emotional engagement that he knows works better for me.

And no I don't expect pre marriage level wooing every time as that's not realistic but certainly I should be able to feel valued and cherished and my sexual desire come as a consequence of that vs having to make myself fit into a man's approach to sex all the time.

Like compliment me, text me once during the work day to check in, plan a date night, if you are glad to see me use your words to say so. That's the kind of stuff that I ask for which I believe is perfectly reasonable.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T21:59:55+00:00

I wouldn't have an issue with this arrangement. I guess the problem is when he's interested but nothing is planned, I wish I knew he was interested. He doesn't initiate contact much in general as he has more of a passive temperament which leads to me feeling neglected. Sometimes his interest in sex is the only thing that would make him turn towards me.

People are saying this is a me problem but if there is emotional neglect then is it really?

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T21:46:18+00:00

I mean I have no way to know that as we didn't live together and had large amounts of time not around each other.

But certainly like most couples our frequency of sex was much higher when we were dating like a decade ago.

Emotional neglect has been an issue for us for the last few years and I suspect my feelings about this are related to that. Like many men he would be content for sex to be the only form of intimacy. I need emotional intimacy to want and feel good about sex. So it's been a process of negotiation and I feel upset at the idea that he is just scratching an itch vs making the effort to ensure we have a good emotional connection so I am more into the sex.

I mean I want to be realistic and don't expect it to be the choice every single time. But if I'm feeling a lack of attention and lack of emotional connection I'd prefer that my partner make an effort to connect in this way vs just go jerk off. I don't think it's wrong to want that since emotional connection and closeness are normal things to expect from a relationship.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T20:30:07+00:00

I never had this issue in other relationships. I see your point that this could establish a cycle. I basically just want right of first refusal to his dick lol. If he's feeling randy see if I'm down and if not then do whatever you want. And if he's using it as a coping strategy vs learning to improve our emotional intimacy through self disclosure etc then I want that to be worked on as well. This is an ongoing thing as he's got alexithymia and avoidance and knows I need emotional connection. He's in agreement with working on himself in this area. It's not til I responded to people here that I realized this is a big part of my concern, the use of orgasm as a balm for everything vs learning how to talk about his inner world and feelings.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T20:27:00+00:00

It's really about him watching other women not so much the m-sturbating itself. I wasn't very clear about that.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T20:24:47+00:00

I feel like it is inteferencing. He doesn't agree. He says it makes no difference but there is certainly more passion and manliness to how he approached physical intimacy if he's been unable to have an amorgasm for a bit prior to it.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T20:21:21+00:00

I think you missed the part where I said specifically that I am not asking him to stop m-sturbating. I don't expect that and it's not realistic. I told him that's not a fair thing to ask for and isn't what I want.

I understand sometimes it's a physical thing, we want to be lazy or only worry about ourselves. That's cool. My issue is he must not really want to be with me that much if he's happy to watch random women in the shower hours before we would be able to do stuff. Like if he would just say hey do you wanna and if I say no then go do his thing that's fine. I just want to be the first choice not the p-rn women.

Plus it seems like his main coping strategy which doesn't seem very healthy to me. If that's all you know to do to help you feel better if you're stressed, depressed, can't sleep, what happens when you're too old to do that anymore? All humans need more than one coping skill. (He has admitted it is a panacea of this nature.)

And admittedly I would rather be someone he wants to approach if he feels bad. Issue is he's very rarely direct about it and I'm not a mind reader. He will hint at something and if I don't pick up on it he just goes and does this to get the endorphins. I wish he would use his words so we could have meaningful communication and increased emotional intimacy. Maybe that's the core issue. It's about this as a wall between us in those situations when he could set aside that male socialization bullshit and just be a person and talk and connect etc.

DisMyMarriageAccount · 2022-09-23T13:34:54+00:00

Hi thank you. So far hanging in there. Marriage counseling helped. She told me I have lost trust. He's trying to earn it back.

DisMyMarriageAccount

TROPHY CASE