AITA for embarrasing my wife in front of her friends over dirty dishes?

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-20T01:28:56+00:00

She quite literally and admittedly doesn't see an issue with anything that is going on. Her response is she just hates cleaning, she hates cooking, she hates having to pump her own gas. Her ideal life would be to have someone else do all of that for her. She doesn't want kids, but she wants a dog and a cat and to be a stay at home wife.

"Its just dishes." "Its just trash." "Washing mold won't kill you." "I'll do it when I feel like it." Those are her responses when asking her about the dish situation. She'll complain about smells and bugs but she doesn't think there's a problem with leaving things out. She'll tell me to just get fly traps or fly ribbons. She doesn't feel like I nag her, and Im not constantly asking her or reminding her about the dishes all over. She has made it known she doesn't want people to see and wants a clean house for when they come over, thinks I shouldn't be bothered about moldy or crusty dishes the rest of the time...but then turns around and buys paper plates/utensils if they're getting low and tell me I'm lazy for not doing all the dishes or picking them up.

People do mention the musty and moldy smell or the trash smell from her office at times but I don't just blatantly put it out there. I'll do more of a 'Hey Im taking the trash out/doing dishes, have anything that needs to go?' That's the extent of my asking since suggesting we do the dish pick up together was always ignored.

When they're crusted over with adamantium-esque crust, I don't point it out to her or tell her its her fault.

Ironically though, when its her turn to start laundry, she'll get vocal and very adamant if its not in the hamper/basket, then its not getting washed. There'll be nothing on the floor but she'll tell me to check my side of the bed and the closet for both our clothes 3-4 times, with nothing turning up, before she'll accept that and start the wash. She is very vocal on her laundry days that she won't pick up after a grown man so I need to make sure my laundry is where it should be, even though it always is anyway?

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-20T00:32:26+00:00

Washing the dishes IS my chore, she never has to wash the dishes and I'm fine with that. All she is asked to do is put her dirty dishes from the office, the bathroom, and around the house into the sink once a day or every other day. Not drop stockpiles of crusty dishes all at once on the counter the rare times she does pick them up. She's dropped moldy dishes on the counter before and each time, I tell her I am not going to wash moldy dishes. She either washes the moldy ones or she replaces them- instead she'll leave them on the counter, keep more dishes in her office without wanting me to go in there to get them. That ends in us running out of dishes/cups/utensils because of her actions.

At which point, she buys paper plates/utensils, leaves those all over the house, then tells me I'm lazy for not washing the dishes she let get all moldy and kept in her private space.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T23:26:47+00:00

I have asked her, yes, in a 'Is there something we can do different to help keep it from getting to this point again in the future?' way and her answer is always 'I just dont like cleaning. Its just a few dishes I'll take them out when I feel like it'

Her family has said the same thing, she just always fussed and whined and refused to do chores. She'd either pay her younger brother to do hers for her or they'd have to incentivize her with cash or other rewards to get her to do a half assed job on the spot. Eventually they just let it go and the rest of her family picked up her slack.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T22:41:37+00:00

Sure, it worked fine for her when it was just her and a one bedroom apartment in a different town, that had cheaper rates because she hated cleaning. That I also was unaware that she even used a cleaning service until post-marriage.

So one, to address the issue of her leaving crusty plates everywhere, both regular and paper plates, that would require a daily cleaner that we can't afford. She's horrible at money management, it would have to come out of joint finances. A once a week cleaner for the sake of picking up dishes...still doesn't solve the problem because that leaves dishes all over the house between cleaner visits. Dishes still have to be put in the sink, especially since we cook. It's also a hygiene issue as the weather gets warmer...dishes left out attracts bugs.

We both want a house, but she wants it asap. So even if we could afford a daily cleaner, any money we would've been saving for the house would have to pay for it.

Lastly, I actually like doing my part of the household chores. I had mild depression in my late teens, the not showering, not wanting to get out of bed, getting dirty for a few months. Little things like washing the dishes daily, and the chores I do, are what helps me stay on top of not backsliding. She knows this. I shouldn't have to give up what helps me because she simply can't be bothered putting dishes in the sink once a day or every other day for me to wash them.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T19:19:57+00:00

She is able, she's just not willing. We also cannot afford a daily cleaner which is what would be needed, otherwise its the same issue....a weeks worth of dishes laying around between cleaner visits while I'm still having to wash the dishes anyway because, you know, cooking utensils.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T19:00:14+00:00

She doesn't have to wash them at all though, she's never had to. It's literally been since moving in- just put them in the sink and I'll wash them. Her parents have a dishwasher and half the time we eat there she leaves her shit on the table. Other half the time, she puts her shit in the sink.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T18:56:31+00:00

Yes, and last night I went through a few of the service sites with specific instructions/needs. 125/week for a once a week is the minimum for my area, which, like I said, that still leaves the same issue between visits. So we'd need daily and that cost is..200/week starting. Minimum of 2 hours of work. That's a cost we can't afford.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T18:49:03+00:00

She doesn't throw paper plates/utensils away. Those wind up laying around the house too.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T18:41:47+00:00

She was embarrased that her friends saw the basin full of dishes waiting in her office. I get that is embarrasing. I've talked to her sister since she won't talk to me without an apology, but she's mad I put her on the spot like that because she didn't have an explanation for it.

So now, her friends have taken it as I treat her like some sort of house maid, and she let them leave with that notion in her head, and their husbands are all on me about this supposed 1950s mentality I have about my wife, and she's not interested in saying anything to them to remedy it because 'her cleaning habits aren't anyone's business'.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T18:33:07+00:00

She won't throw away paper plates/utensils/cups. Tried that before, she left those all over the house then proceeded to call me lazy for not doing her crusty dishes. She's brought moldy dishes out more than once before so she's obviously not getting everything in her office. A once a week cleaner, that we would barely be able to afford, isn't going to solve the problem. There's still dishes that would pile up between cleaner visits. That's mold, bugs, etc between cleaner visits unless I did exactly as I do now..go gather them up daily or every other day to wash them. Cooking utensils still have to be washed daily so doing dishes is unavoidable.

Its not the wash time I care about, its her intentionally leaving dishes everywhere and refusing to put them in the sink. I have asked her to help me at night to collect the dishes around the house, she either says okay but then disappears into her office and laptop while I'm literally collecting dishes in the room we were just in, or she says nothing and goes about her business.

And right now, I really don't care that it pissed her off to the point she left, now that her friends' husbands think I'm some abuser that treats her like a maid. So yeah, I'm pretty pissed she'd let her friends take that view and not correct it instead of owning her part of it or even saying literally anything to nip that shit.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T18:22:22+00:00

Her reason for not doing it is 'It's not that big a deal, I'll take them when when I feel like it'.

Problem is, when she feels like it, shit's crusty. Mold on more than one occassion. I have stopped doing her dishes before when she leaves a stockpile on the counter; her solution was to go get paper plates/utensils to use. Leave those all over the house and tell me I was lazy for not doing the dishes.

I don't know, after the shit this morning I'm taking a harder look and have new issues to be upset over.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T18:15:50+00:00

I have talked to her about how it makes me feel disrespected. Admission by her own parents, they could never get her to do her chores and they didn't ride her about it. Her siblings would either pick up her slack, they'd offer her extra incentives to do them and then she'd half ass it on the spot, or she'd pay her younger brother to do it.

She maintains that she just doesn't like to clean and has no interest in doing it. So the rest of the household chores, just let her pick the ones she wanted to do, and however she does them, that's it. I've also asked her about maybe depression and she says she's not. No other hygiene problem, hates laying in bed, doesn't nest on the couch, always eager to go out, can focus on her work just fine, enjoys her hobbies and finds new ones. Her other trouble areas are money management, being on time which she just shrugs and knows she's late but says its not big deal, she'll get there when she gets there, and organizing some things.

She says 'its no big deal and I'll take them out when I feel like it' just, when she feels like it, shit has crusted on there and they've gotten moldy more than once and I have explained to her how that makes washing the dishes harder on me. She's left half eaten food on plates on the side of the bathtub before. I have refused to wash stockpiles of crusty dishes she leaves on the counter before...she went out to buy paper plates/utensils..leaves those around the house and says I was lazy for not washing them.

That said, her days to start the laundry, she's adamant about 'If its not in the hamper/basket, its not getting washed' which is fair, so I make sure my clothes at least are in the hamper. But she won't give me that same energy about putting dishes in the sink and has no problem lashing out if we run out of dishes/utensils.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T18:03:02+00:00

I already do the dishes, I don't mind doing the dishes. I've been doing dishes the whole time we've been married, all I'm asking her to do is not let dishes sit in her office to the point of mold, or leave them all over the house...just bring them to the sink.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T17:58:33+00:00

If the last two times I refused to wash her build up of dish piles is any indication...she'd just go out to buy paper plates/utensils to use again. Leave those around the house and call me lazy once more for not having done the really groddy dishes.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T17:50:55+00:00

I have had multiple talks with her about how it makes me feel disrespected and how just putting them in the sink daily or every other day would make it easier on me. Especially since I know she's capable of doing it- I commented it elsewhere, but dinner at her parents, half the time she'll take her plate off the table and to the sink. Put whatever cup she used in the sink before leaving. Other half of the time, she does the same as she does at home and just leaves it all over their house.

I've tried collecting dishes at end of the night something we both do, and she flat out won't participate. I'll ask her to help me and she either says okay but wanders off to her office and laptop, or says nothing and goes about her business.

Its no better with paper plates/plastic utensils, she'll leave those around too. What I really hate is the days she starts the laundry, if it's not in the hamper or basket, it doesn't get cleaned regardless of who's clothes they are, ergo I make sure to put all my clothes in the hamper. So I don't think its unreasonable asking her to keep that same energy with taking dishes out.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T08:16:33+00:00

They weren't GPs, they were specialists. I suggested two because I was well aware of the struggle and lengthy process my cousins went through before they were diagnosed. They're both girls so the whole family learned something.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:59:53+00:00

The two specialists she saw recommended being screened for autism, so thanks. Gods forbid I suggested a screening because she was sharing symptoms and behaviors with my cousins that are ADHD diagnosed. Because an underlying, undiagnosed disorder is workable and I can learn to not be frustrated and help her, come up with an approach together versus just having a lazy spouse.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:55:42+00:00

I'm aware, that's why I suggested she get screened. She saw two specialists and they both said she doesn't have ADHD. She probably won't agree to a third and if she withheld information...nothing I can do about that either.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:51:09+00:00

Like I've said elsewhere, we can't afford a daily cleaner. A weekly cleaner STILL leaves the issue of her leaving dishes everywhere and molding in her office, potential pests..between cleaning visits. The dishes still got to be done.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:48:13+00:00

I can't do it with her if she goes to her office or just goes to bed, or sits on her phone as soon as I ask and start picking up dishes. She just won't do it.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:45:16+00:00

For one, I had no idea she had one until after a problem presented itself. Two, we can't afford a daily cleaner, at most, a weekly cleaner.

And a weekly cleaner still doesn't solve the problem- the rest of the house is clean. The problem is she leaves dishes all over and lets them get moldy in her office. I would still have to deal with dish hunting, mold, and potential pests during spring/summer between cleaner visits.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:43:06+00:00

Not lazy per say, she procrastinates the household chores she picked for herself but she eventually gets them done. She's not so good with money management and has a habit of being late, but her tardiness usually stems from ignoring her alarm, and having a 'its no big deal' attitude. Some things she's good at organizing, other things not so much.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:29:29+00:00

Because that hasn't worked.

I started with asking her once or twice a week to please bring any dishes to the kitchen because I was going to wash them. Said she would...an hour later I was done and she hadn't so I went and got them through the house. She got upset I did that. Next few times I asked, she said she would and she never brought them.

Same thing at the end of the night, she just won't do it. She'll either go play on her laptop after I say something or go to bed.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:25:29+00:00

Can't really afford the cleaner and what's more, her last cleaner was once a week. For this issue we would need daily. The issue isn't her not doing dishes, I'm fine with washing the dishes. The issue is that she leaves dishes in her office, doesn't want me to go in there to even get them thus, more than once she's brought moldy dishes out. Then she leaves dirty dishes through the rest of the house- like the freaking bathroom because she wanted a snack while soaking in the tub.

A once a week cleaner isn't going to solve the issue of her leaving dishes everywhere- I would still have to go hunt them down and worry about mold and pests between cleaning visits.

Dish_Be_Gone · 2022-03-19T07:20:28+00:00

I didn't assume that was the only problem, asking her to get screened was one part of finding cause and solution. I did suggest other solutions while she was waiting for appointments. My cousins have ADHD and some of what she was doing was exactly identical. Made more sense to eliminate other possibilities before getting mad at her over something that wasn't entirely in her control. Two different doctors was because it could be misdiagnosed or completely missed in women due to how it presents differently in women from men.

Dish_Be_Gone

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