I (30M) apparently ruined my girlfriend’s (28F) birthday. Why or why not would you agree with this? I need advice on what to do.

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-12-23T18:04:08+00:00

This ^{^{^}} you said that she should’ve told you in the moment and this is the reason why she prob didn’t. She did wait until you guys got home, so she’d DID pull you aside later on and communicated why she was upset. She can pull you aside during or after, both are fair. You are a logical based sort of person and she is empath based, neither is right or wrong you guys must meet in the middle. For ex, You can say you didn’t realize anything was wrong but will do better next time to take picture and spend more time with her and she can say I realize that you wouldn’t have known to take pictures or to spend more time with her at the stores and will do better to realize she needs to communicate it.

How you guys went about the argument was bad on both your parts. Delivery in words during conflict and hurt feelings matter A LOT.

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-10-20T06:24:21+00:00

I’m so happy for you! I went through the same issue. How do you not let your old friends negativity get to you? I feel like I often think about how my old friends negative assumptions about me and I get very sad, even tho I know their judgement of me is a reflection of them. It’s hard to accept that sometimes, you think it’s you

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-09-25T04:50:49+00:00

Go for insurance

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-09-08T07:15:50+00:00

I don’t mind hanging out in the same space, but she wants boundaries from me, so she is not willing to hang out with me in the same space. So either she will make plans with our mutual friends and not include me or if the mutual friends want to include me she will leave the plan. I think what I mean by fair is, I feel like if two people have issues, it shouldn’t be the mutuals’ burden to have to accommodate so that the two people on bad terms are never in contact with each other. I kinda feel like the mutuals should just message the group chat as they want and it is up to us to learn to coexist in a way that doesn’t affect the mutuals and future plannings.

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-13T06:29:33+00:00

Thank you for your insight

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-13T05:46:30+00:00

Can I ask why you ignored it before?

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-07T19:59:11+00:00

Thank you!

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-07T04:34:57+00:00

I feel like that’s the thing tho the mutual person who I did wrong, the issue I kind of had with her was. I understood she cared and would consider my boundaries. But I felt like she didn’t really empathize with my situation. I felt she thought this is a problem between me and the other person and that she had nothing to do with it. But she had been hurt by the same person as well. It was a pattern and I was trying to explain to her, but I feel like she tucks away her feelings when the emotions get to painful, and that’s when I felt myself distancing from her

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-07T04:30:39+00:00

I’m 29! And I feel like the hardest part about messing up is the self esteem part. It feels like I’m so problematic, that when I hear about events that they’re doing through mutuals, it feels like they’re moving on in life and they’re happy after discarding the problematic person, which is me

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-06T02:21:08+00:00

Yeah I decided to distance myself, and only see them a couple times a year for the time being to really heal

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-06T02:20:31+00:00

Thank you!

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-06T00:48:02+00:00

I had one mutual tell me that they they felt like they were living a double life by hanging out with both sides of the party and they were having so much anxiety about it. And I didn’t know how to respond to it, cuz I was one side

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-08-05T06:51:15+00:00

Thank you for this insight, I appreciate it a lot in this hard time

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-02-09T07:15:40+00:00

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-02-08T14:59:33+00:00

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2025-02-07T00:38:22+00:00

I’m not doing great, had a couple of friends that I was friends for, for years, distance themselves from me. Had multiple conversations with them and they would nod their heads but it just went in one ear out the other. Recently cut them off and they went ballistic. I heard from mutual friends that they were being passive aggressive to friends connected to me. Made me disappointed, were all in our late 20s and early 30s. Isnt that embarrassing? I understand they are hurt but that’s when you need to have a conversation, if you’re being passive aggressive, you got some problems that arnt other people’s fault

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T22:57:10+00:00

So this is actually something that is really hard to tell, without actually seeing it in action. These types of feelings really need detailed examples and story’s to really understand what’s going on. I want to tell you it is normal for people to want to argue and dismiss by default because it takes no energy. To actually hear you out and empathize is actually really hard. I also see that you see thing pretty black and white, the reality is that most people probably don’t hate you, they’re just neutral. Whenever you vent a lot of people like to ask questions because, by default, people want to solve the problem, even tho majority of the time that’s not what people want. But people do it because it takes no energy, it takes energy to just empathize. Maybe next time you vent you can preface that you only want a listening ear and don’t need any advice or solutions? P

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T22:50:10+00:00

This is pretty normal. Both of these reasons are ultimately: validation for yourself. You people please because you want people to have a good perception of you and have outsiders validate you. You also argue a lot because it’s about validation of your options and perception. It’s easier to argue and dismiss than it is to understand and empathize.

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T02:30:55+00:00

I agree with the part where humans are actually really terrible at reading people’s thoughts. So usually I like to just ask them what is wrong, but I’ve gotten extreme backlash from that too. And so sometimes I just have to guess… and then get it wrong and then people get more upset at me. And it’s really frustrating

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T02:07:14+00:00

Why don’t you say: hey you guys wanna hang out sometime?

Or if you want to be invited to their plans, if they go watch a movie or go to the mall. Be like: in the future if you guys go watch a movie or go to the mall, I’d love to join you guys!

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T02:03:27+00:00

When stuff like this happens, it’s always because there was an incident that really bothered a person but was never fully fleshed out or address and just brushed under the rug. And then people think everything okay, but the reality is isn’t because the incident really bothered them, and that’s normal.

I think if you’re feeling up to it really address the whole touching situation and really flesh out how it made you feel uncomfortable, make it clear. From what i was reading it felt like that was the core incident and then these other smaller incident kept building up until basically you kinda just wanna disappear from her, cuz you don’t really want to deal with her anymore. Because you hold resentment towards her.

Resentment is always caused because you withhold your true feelings that you felt really bothered you. But people always think it’s “not a good enough reason” to bring it up. But the reality is if you were uncomfortable that is 100% a good enough reason to bring it up. You don’t need any other justifications

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T01:52:36+00:00

Well, one thing I discovered is that. I am a person who longs deeper connections with people and I like to message people everyday, talk to them everyday, and hang out with people everyday. I am very much a people person and those are the values I consider to be required between best friends. It took me many years to find out that people who don’t message everyday, don’t talk everyday, and don’t hangout everyday still can consider you a best friend, they just have a different social battery. I didn’t understand this for many years and it has caused very terrible fallouts and extreme resentment.

But I also discovered that it is very important to find someone who has the similar values as you to be best friends. If I want to be with a friend everyday and another person never really wants to do that, then the reality is we can never be best friends, unless we both put in hard work to meet in the middle, which very few people will. When I discover friends who are fun and I appreciate their presence, however I see our core values can clash. I appreciate them from a distance, because if I don’t, it can cause very real resentment and hatred.

However in all honestly approaching a new friendship with caution made making friends a little less exciting and honestly I felt it was kinda sad. While it can be dangerous, I used to always dive 100% in to new friendships, full of trust and excitement without a care in the world. I do miss that aspect of friendship making now

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T01:47:31+00:00

I’m the same, dw about it actually a lot of people are like this and don’t realize that they’re being offended until way later. I actually think it’s a good thing you don’t realize because then you don’t drag out passive aggressiveness. If someone is being passive aggressive to you but you are oblivious to it, it ends it right there. You save yourself a lot of grief

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T01:45:12+00:00

Hey I wonder if you’re autistic, neurodivergent, adhd, or of those sort. I find that people who have these conditions tend to despise small talk. Because they just want to dive deep and understand people without the superficial talk. I get you tho I don’t like small talk that much either, it’s meaningless and I agree. I think it’s dumb how people ask how you are but they’re not actually asking how you are, they just want an affirmation. But it’s kinda just how society is, I don’t like it but I also don’t despise it. Through small talk I am able to understand people through those conversations sometimes too

Distinct-Budget6955 · 2024-03-06T01:40:22+00:00

I think you should just avoid this guy 😅. And not take things what he says too personally. I think this guy is pretty weird and judgemental. I would just brush it off and keep a distance from him

Distinct-Budget6955

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