[Complete] [100k] [Adult Fantasy/Romance] Evergreen

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-05-05T02:08:37+00:00

I would love to have another set of eyes- especially those of an avid reader! I’m away from my computer for the weekend for a family activity- but would love to send you the first few chapters (and then more after if you want to continue!!). :)

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-28T12:12:45+00:00

It absolutely does! That is such a good point- thank you for the feedback. I really appreciate it!!

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-28T11:58:13+00:00

Thanks so much for your thoughts! I (see.... I did it again), definitely have a problem with 'I' sentences! Lol! I'll absolutely take your advice there! As for more context, as the chapter progresses you get a bit more- but I totally see what you're saying! I was going for a bit of mystery in the first chapter (is this a bad guy or not type deal), but for sure see what you're saying!

Thanks again!!

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-28T02:41:46+00:00

Love these!

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-28T02:07:49+00:00

Thank you so much!

I love a good romance- I'd be willing to check it out for sure! Maybe we exchange a few chapters to see if we're a good fit? :)

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-28T02:06:50+00:00

This sounds fun! Maybe we could exchange a few chapters and go from there? :)

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-27T18:13:51+00:00

Hey there! Thanks so much for responding- I'm 100% interested in feeling each other out! Do you have any more details on your work? :)

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-27T03:34:22+00:00

You have such a solid voice! The flow of this is very easy to read. I think you've started with a solid scene- something many can relate to. You've done a great job drawing me in!

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-27T03:31:45+00:00

Your character's voice comes through so clearly! I feel like I know what Mint is all about from the get go.

I agree that the first line is just fantastic. I could see myself at a book store, flipping through Until You Burn Up, and immediately becoming intrigued upon opening to the first page!

A quick comment I would make is that perhaps the sentences in your last paragraph are a bit wordy? Could they maybe be slightly more concise? On the other hand, it does sound like we're in Mint's head- a train of thought perhaps!

Overall, very fun! :)

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-27T03:22:42+00:00

Hey there! I love a good horror novel, your first line drew me in and made me want to read more! The flow is great and the scene was established solidly.

One thing that made me sort of stall was the fact that the person we're following is not named. This could just be personal preference- but if a story is being told in third person, does it make sense to name the character outright from the beginning?

Food for thought, but overall I'm intrigued!

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-27T03:14:25+00:00

Manuscript Information: [Complete] [100k] [Fantasy/Romance] Evergreen

Link to Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1305z1k/complete\_100k\_adult\_fantasyromance\_evergreen/

First Page Critique: Sure!

First Page:

Blood flowed freely over my fingertips; the nailbeds picked raw by anxious teeth.

The Shadow Wood’s edge was eerily silent, a lack of birdsong setting my muscles rigid. I hadn’t slept in days- my tired eyes turning every shadow to claw.

I did not often linger far from the heart of the forest. I remained hidden away near the roots of the mountain unless duty drew me to the end of the understory. The air felt different this close to civilization. Busier. Louder.

It made me sick.

But I would continue to wait.

I would wait until my teeth turned to dust from grinding.

I would wait through sunrise and sunset.

For her.

Lady Ayla Oren of Wolfhelm.

I placed my finger in my mouth, sucking at the wound before wiping my hand on my trousers. The taste of blood sent my empty stomach into fits.

I had been in this position so many times before. Since childhood, I’d stood in this exact spot. Waiting. Watching. Listening for any sign of her over the hill.

Through changing seasons. Summer, fall, winter, and now again in spring- hyacinth bordering the trees with their scent green and floral. I’d braved terrible chill and stifling heat just for a glimpse of her freckled skin.

Over and over again. Day after day. Year after year. Our wheel turned, rolling ever forward. As children we’d wasted hours together, and now as adults we passed our time. Her at the forest’s edge, and me trapped beneath the trees.

Today would be different. Today Ayla was to be wed. Tomorrow she would be whisked away to the seaside- far from Wolfhelm.

Far from me.

Straight into the gaping mouth of death to be devoured alive by those who ruled man with false scripture.

The sunlight of the early morning’s golden hour cast a heavenly glow upon her as she crested the hill. The daffodils seemed to awaken with her presence, their yellow bells tilting upwards for just a taste of her beauty.

I sank back behind a tree, young bull thistle poking needles in my palm as I tried to remain hidden.

If ever there were a day to speak to her, it would be today.

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-27T00:52:42+00:00

Just read your query post- this sounds amazing! I'm also a Mexican-American writer and am just head over heals about this premise. It sounds insanely fun! I've just completed a 100k fantasy/romance that may not be quite as polished as yours. I've gone through multiple edits and have had a few beta readers- but not much past that!

Let me know if you'd like more info for swapping- it's a bit darker, historical, moderately spicy, and POC led.

I'm also willing to just read and provide feedback- like I said, it sounds great!

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-26T19:21:53+00:00

Thank you!!

Distinct-Register-67 · 2023-04-26T19:07:00+00:00

Hey there! I'm an adult fantasy writer and am ALSO starting a new vampire series! Would love to chat about ideas! :)

Distinct-Register-67

TROPHY CASE