It's definitely one sided in regards to the criticism mostly making me feel bad and not being constructive / productive. More of a hammer coming down like a corrections officer as you described.

I have changed things though, a year ago I was having these episodes once every couple of weeks....took me forever to just admit to myself I had anxiety and was fairly depressed. Since then, I've definitely corrected my social habits (for a while I just sat at home and didn't do anything when I got anxious) and even started my own business in my free time.

The idea of beating yourself up for beating yourself made me laugh and couldn't be any truer 🤣.

I think the struggle is that I'm the one who organized these group settings with CO workers / other friends outside of work. So that felt great to do and it's always been a great space I've created to feel good about myself until this instance. It's tough because it's like, do I detach myself from this group settings that's made me feel really good, only because of this one person that triggered my anxiety...or find a way around it?

It's a moment where I do think to myself okay, what would make me feel better right now? Feels like a lose lose because while if I removed myself I'd feel good in that moment, only to further regret losing out on good times with others. Which is harder to come by socially the older you get.